… essential kit if you’re thinking about taking any under-5s of a nervous disposition to a firework display. Or just to use in the house on Firework night, which last year was like the freaking blitz in NW5.

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Strange how the most innocuous of things before you have children become an insane pain in arse afterwards:

fireworks night: SHUT THE FUCK UP

saturday night SHUT THE FUCK UP

Hallowe’en: STOP GIVING MY KIDS SO MUCH FUCKING CHOCOLATE AT 6PM THEY’RE GOING TO GO INSANE THEN DO A BROWN SICK ON THE FLOOR

clocks going forwards/clocks going back WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN MY KIDS ARE NOW WAKING UP AT 5AM/WON’T GO TO FUCKING BED

winter: WHY IS IT SO FUCKING COLD AND DARK AND WET THIS IS A NIGHTMARE

summer: WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HOT WHY IS EVERYONE OUTSIDE SHOUTING AND SMOKING AT 10PM

Christmas: WHY IS EVERYTHING SHUT WE ARE GOING MAD WE NEED SOFTPLAY