The Spike

If you haven’t got round to getting a parka then I’m here to tell you that you can do so without fear of being a try-hard, or of outlaying some serious money only for it to go out of fashion.

Parkas, like cosy boots (UGG, Celt boot or whatever) aren’t going away. My husband and his friend Alan note a date in the unofficial socio-cultural calendar called “Tit Monday”, which is the day of the year when it is warm enough for girls to leave their coats, sweaters or whatever at home or on their desk chairs and venture out unencumbered by such outerwear, thus ensuring an embarrassment of tits on the the street and in the park at lunchtime.

I note a similar landmark day in the calendar, called “Parka Saturday”, which is the first weekend of the year when it is cold and grim enough, (not just warm and wet, like the whole of October), to merit a Parka, not just a raincoat. Parkas are no longer a proper fashion item, just a staple. Like a navy blazer or a black dress.

This parka I’m wearing here isn’t very special. I bought it in a panic one absolutely freezing January about two years ago off asos.com. It was surprisingly expensive, but it has stood me in good stead. I’m pleased I didn’t chuck it out all those times I was thinking about chucking it out. If I was I was re-buying this item I might consider spending some even more serious money on something I considered very beautiful – as you’re only ever going to buy one parka let’s face it. I really like this one from Claudie Pierlot, which is £600.

Or a more modest outlay would be for this one from Superdry. Superdry is my Moncler.

This one from Jack Wills is also pretty nice and not crazily overpriced at £149.

The most important thing about a parka is to indulge your inner Tiny Fragile Freezing Princess. The TFFP is the girl who goes about swathed in cashmere and coats and beanies and cosy jumpers, always pulling her sleeves down over her hands and her black, faintly-emo, painted fingernails.

The TFFP is so tired, feeling so fragile. So chilly, maybe a cold coming on, she says, as she picks a box of echinacea or maybe a weeny bottle of Rescue Remedy out of her giant, overstuffed tote. So fragile… she needs to protect herself with her long hair and chunky snoods and giant duvet parka from all the people who just stare at her and want a piece of her. She has her hair permanently tucked inside her roll neck or her coat. You know the kind of girl I mean. To truly be a TFFP is to be a dickhead, but a TFFP lurks inside all of us. And a parka is an essential accessory.

Now moving on to the UGG biker 2.0. I went about all last year in the UGG Grandle, which is one of UGG’s answers to a biker boot.

I have freakishly skinny calves, which sounds like a good thing, but they are not in proportion to my thighs, so my legs start wide at the top and then whittle down to nothing. My legs are not shapely, is what I’m saying. It also means I can’t find boot that doesn’t make me look like I’ve got my foot inside a flower pot. OH BOO HOO I hear you all saying, but it just means that these UGG boots are the only ones I can really wear as they roughly fit round my unappealing, stick-like shins.

I’ve spotted too many people in Grandles recently so I treated myself to their updated biker, the Simmens, £140 (pictured above) and below.

Not quite the boot of the TFFP – but then I’m not that much of a dickhead.