Ooo look now let’s have a quick bitch through Vogue shall we.

I can’t bear Dolce & Gabbana. And this dress encapsulates probably all their bad qualities. Slutty masquerading as fashion, literally some lemons and a chair drawn on this dress. Stupid idiots.

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The mullet jean! Not sure about this, but it will be everywhere in Spring so brace yourself.

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I remember the trophy cardigan the first time round – they were from that shop called Voyage, do you remember? It was French and very snooty – you had to ring a bell to be let in – and then went bust because, I don’t know, they were spending all their profits on drugs probably. I never went to the shop obviously because I was only 17 and got £40 a month pocket money.

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Classic bit of confusing captioning here. Are these shoes Adidas Superstar Primeknits? Because I fucking love them. *Googles them* oh no these shoes are Calvin Klein, (along with the hideous anklet), and not available yet. But I’m having them when they are.

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This “look” – boyfriend jeans, trainers, massive shirt etc, is still in, then. Phew. It’s what I’m wearing RIGHT NOW. Except I’ve got better hair than this person.

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Aha – now you might think this girl looks insane but what you really want to concentrate on is her natty 70s sweater. I mean, this MUST be vintage. Anyway, it’s freaking awesome. Buy anything you see that’s similar.

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This girl has also obviously taken things way too far with her crazy specs and foot tattoo, but the knee-length shirt-and-blouse combo is still okay for SS16. High five to anyone who has to work in an office.

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Oh god I love this type of collar, because I suit it. There is this dress in M&S that I am tempted to get but I’ve got enough floral-on-black clothes, don’t need any more.

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KHAKI! Buy some.

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Big trousers are also still in. If it would stop fucking raining for 2 seconds we could wear some.

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Oooo now I’d love a long tutu or tulle skirt. I would wear it with my new rainbow sweater and my clompy witch stripper shoes.

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This feature is absolutely terrifying. I have only just got the hang of doing one spin class a week and now I’m being told that it’s not enough. I don’t want to run a marathon! I didn’t read any of this.

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Oh phew here we are at last – a soothing picture of Sarah Harris.

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This sort of beauty writing makes me laugh. What are we, farmers?? Who actually lets their face get to a state where it is “flaky” and “wind-ravaged”??? We are light-starved and just look a bit shit, dear, let’s not get hysterical.

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There we go – January’s Vogue: done.