January Vogue

Ooo look now let’s have a quick bitch through Vogue shall we.

I can’t bear Dolce & Gabbana. And this dress encapsulates probably all their bad qualities. Slutty masquerading as fashion, literally some lemons and a chair drawn on this dress. Stupid idiots.

The mullet jean! Not sure about this, but it will be everywhere in Spring so brace yourself.

I remember the trophy cardigan the first time round – they were from that shop called Voyage, do you remember? It was French and very snooty – you had to ring a bell to be let in – and then went bust because, I don’t know, they were spending all their profits on drugs probably. I never went to the shop obviously because I was only 17 and got £40 a month pocket money.

Classic bit of confusing captioning here. Are these shoes Adidas Superstar Primeknits? Because I fucking love them. *Googles them* oh no these shoes are Calvin Klein, (along with the hideous anklet), and not available yet. But I’m having them when they are.

This “look” – boyfriend jeans, trainers, massive shirt etc, is still in, then. Phew. It’s what I’m wearing RIGHT NOW. Except I’ve got better hair than this person.

Aha – now you might think this girl looks insane but what you really want to concentrate on is her natty 70s sweater. I mean, this MUST be vintage. Anyway, it’s freaking awesome. Buy anything you see that’s similar.

This girl has also obviously taken things way too far with her crazy specs and foot tattoo, but the knee-length shirt-and-blouse combo is still okay for SS16. High five to anyone who has to work in an office.

Oh god I love this type of collar, because I suit it. There is this dress in M&S that I am tempted to get but I’ve got enough floral-on-black clothes, don’t need any more.

KHAKI! Buy some.

Big trousers are also still in. If it would stop fucking raining for 2 seconds we could wear some.

Oooo now I’d love a long tutu or tulle skirt. I would wear it with my new rainbow sweater and my clompy witch stripper shoes.

This feature is absolutely terrifying. I have only just got the hang of doing one spin class a week and now I’m being told that it’s not enough. I don’t want to run a marathon! I didn’t read any of this.

Oh phew here we are at last – a soothing picture of Sarah Harris.

This sort of beauty writing makes me laugh. What are we, farmers?? Who actually lets their face get to a state where it is “flaky” and “wind-ravaged”??? We are light-starved and just look a bit shit, dear, let’s not get hysterical.

There we go – January’s Vogue: done.