The Spike

My relationship with H&M is just so complicated. There was a time when I was simply banned from going in because of my appalling behaviour once through the doors, buying mountains of clothes indiscriminately, hundreds of vests and the odd misshapen “knit”, which boinged further out of shape once washed and always ended up smelling strange.

But there have been some things from H&M that I have worn into rags. Their long-length spaghetti strap vests are what I put on first, most days. There was a black jersey scoop-neck dress with 3/4 length sleeves that I wore about three times a week for most of 2006-7. There were the two absolutely nailed-on perfect bootcut jeans that I wore most days from 2002-5. And their white “Star” cut jeans. Wow. The best. I still have a dark pink embellished shoulder bag that looks beautiful with a leather jacket and I get endless compliments on that giant oversized Isabel Marant knit cardigan from her H&M collaboration.

And there are times when H&M can read your mind. “God I just really feel,” you think, “like wearing a white scoop neck t-shirt with a pink and gold flamingo on the front. And a knee-length tulle skirt like Carrie Bradshaw wore in the SATC credits,” and you go into H&M and there it fucking is.

I have been poring over various khaki shirts and jackets for weeks, now and been left cold by all of them. Then I recalled that H&M have installed a new “search” button function on their website – they really just don’t give a fuck those Scandis, you used to have to trawl through the whole thing by department – and found not one but two khaki outerwear items that genuinely made my jaded little heart go pitter pat.

This shirt can be used exactly how you would use a denim shirt. In fact, my dream is to build up a wardrobe of denim, navy and khaki items that can be endlessly mixed and matched. And it’s made of Tencel, so it’s nice and drapey, flippy and the sleeves can be pushed up easily.

And this jacket. This… jacket… Fuck, it’s like you won it in a game of cards off a Vietnam Vet who went a bit nuts and ended up doing tattoos somewhere in New Mexico. Look at the Aztec detailing! Looking at the freaking tassels on the back. I will not utilise the hideous drawstring waist, obviously.

I was so sick with lust for both of these items that I paid an extra £5.99 for next day delivery. Christ! It’s at times like this that I just throw up my hands in defeat at the awesomeness of those canny Swedish retailers. You win, H&M. You win.