Regular readers will know that my son, who is 2.5, is a shit sleeper. Like all shit sleepers, he goes through phases of shit and shitter sleeping. There was a long phase when he was alright -he’d wake up once a night and wake me up but then he and I would go back to sleep and it was all fine.
But over the last few months it’s all gone horribly wrong. He’s waking up multiple times a night for different reasons, wanting different things. His latest wheeze is that he is terrified of the sound of the rain on his skylights at night. Which is terrific seeing as it’s been so dry recently.
I used to think that this was my fault because I let him have a bottle in his bed and then I used to think it was because he had such huge adenoids (which I had removed). But now I think it’s all because he’s just a shit sleeper.
My sister has a couple of shit sleepers and she says that even her shittest sleeper grew out of it by 3.5. But my friend M- also has a shit sleeper and she is five and still giving them all hell.
Anyway I have come to a new understanding with Sam’s shit sleeping and that is: I am not going to win. This is not going to get better any time soon. Leaving him to cry doesn’t work. Cutting out any lunchtime sleep doesn’t work. Exercising him hard in the afternoon doesn’t work. The Gro Clock doesn’t work. None of it works.
This is a siege and the only thing to do is survive it. I have stopped being martyrish about it or waving my husband away when he asks me at 7am if I want to go back to bed. I do not say “I’ll be alright once I’ve had a cup of tea,” I say “Yes, thanks,” then go back to bed for as long as I can. My au pair picks up a lot of the slack in the mornings.
Now I have just accepted defeat I am more relaxed. Sometimes hope keeps you a prisoner and once you have given up all hope, you can be free.
Another thing that helps in the mornings, if I have managed to sleep in so late that I have missed the chance of a shower, is the application of a very hot flannel to my face.
Everyone raves about Eve Lom but I am not a fan of her greasy hot-cloth polish face wax or whatever it is. I just don’t like the smell, it’s just too much fannying about for me.
But the principle of a very hot towel to the face is good. It’s nice, it livens you up just enough to be worth doing. I use one of two new novelty flannels the kids got for Christmas but I also have a stack of baby muslins in a cupboard just waiting to be cut up and used for the same purpose. The temptation with all problems is to throw money at them – but sometimes there are problems that all the money in the world can’t solve: I remember an interview with either Jools or Jamie Oliver saying that their youngest child, Buddy, still woke up in the night at around two years old.
Sometimes there’s nothing that money can do for you: a stack of old muslins will do just as good a job as brand new ones from Eve Lom herself. All that’s left for you the morning after a night being woken up every two hours since midnight, is to apply a hot, clean rag to your face – and spend the £14 you’ve saved on coffee.
You are so right, I am relinquishing all hope as of now! My 1.5 yr old shitty sleeper also disturbs my 3.5 yr old slightly rubbish sleeper, so now we are all shitty sleepers and I am exhausted from trying to work out why. Apparently I didn’t sleep through until I was 4, and my brother didn’t manage it until he was 7 so if that’s anything to go by then God help me!!!!
By the way, LOVE the new blog, it is my oasis of calm each morning as I try to organise 2 wriggly boys for the day xx
we had a record breaking shit sleep last night – up on and off constantly from 2am – 6am but then went back to sleep in his room from 6.20 – 08.30. it’s mad. at LEAST my husband takes older child to school otherwise I would go mad and kill everyone
GOD it’s so true. If they are shit sleepers then they are just shit sleepers.
If one more person, who’s child slept through from 2 months, asks me if I’ve tried giving H porridge before bed? Or leaving her go cry? Or bringing her into our room? Or a gro clock (no. She’s 18months old. She’s just worked out where her head is. An abstract concept like night and day MIGHT be beyond her)? I’ll probably explode. I’ve tried EVERYTHING in order to sleep past 5am, and it’s just not happening.
I will, however, try the hit flannel. If it makes me look and feel any more human that’s a win for me.
it’s more meditative than anything else to be honest. like a shamanistic ritual. after I’d used it the other day and was all pleased with myself someone at nursery went “Woah! Rough night!?” (in a kind way) so it’s no magic trick. but when you are using it just think of me, wherever I am, doing the same thing. fist bump x
My two year old is up every 2 hours at the moment then in with us from 4 when I give up putting her back. I only don’t go insane with it because she is a slightly better sleeper than her brother, who at 4 only wakes once now, sometimes not at all. They both sleep in (so mornings are a rush) during the week then wake up together at 5 on a Saturday. Sometimes my husband goes in late so he can drop eldest off and I could cry with relief those days. Until I realise it means he’ll be in late. This post reminded me that I used to do a hot flannel thing, so I did it again this morning after reading this. I came out again reluctantly when it went cold. It felt like a warm secret hiding place for a couple of minutes, and did wake me up a bit. Thank you.
Cindy I am so there with you sister xxx
I can totally sympathise with you. My 8 year old has only just started sleeping through the night !!! Its been hell. I cracked last year and hired a sleep therapist. Juliet Newson at the Millpond Clinic. She is awesome. They also have a book. Highly highly recommend getting the sleep thing sorted it has genuinely changed our lives. Wish I’d used them sooner. Whole family is much happier and I now feel like a human again and not a zombie. Love your blog Esther.
Emma I have been toying with ringing Millpond for about a year now. Might give them a go. Is it just about leaving them to scream?? : (
Hi Esther, No it’s not about leaving them to scream. It is hard core though in other ways though… They ask you to make a sleep diary over 2 weeks then they decide which approach will work best. I had to use the “Gradual Retreat” method with my son who was getting up 2-3 times in the night. No screaming but I did have to sit on a bean bag on the landing in the middle of the night. I won’t lie – it was really tough! It took about 6 weeks but I was determined to crack him. That’s where having the sleep therapist was great – she encouraged me to carry on. I think it was the combination of a structured plan, moral support and the fact I’d shelled out 300 quid that worked. Give them a go ! Don’t put up with broken sleep. You’ll end up going round the bend – I know I did.
Thanks Emma that’s really encouraging. Might start the sleep diary tonight to get things going in my own head…
I remember a holiday last year with a friend who has 2 under 3’s, and she said to me ‘I wouldn’t know what to do if either of them woke up in the night, it has literally never happened to me’. And it wasn’t even boastful, it was just fact. In the other half of the villa, there was me sitting up with my 2 year old who was awake from MIDNIGHT for the day as she was in an unfamiliar bed and was freaked out. Tip – never go on holiday with other families unless they are at exactly the same stage of shitness as you.. hot flannel sounds genius, i will try it out
I hope your friend dies in a big helicopter crash. No no wait I hope both her kids start waking up in the night and never go back to sleep until they start university
Thanks for this! I love hot flannels and have a shit sleeper too. Perversely the picture makes me want nicer cloths so may buy some new.
On shit sleep (because I can’t resist) I’m spotting patterns at the mo about resilience building- getting through (allowing joy as much as poss) as best I can rather than using energy to fight it. That said, I oscillate between Buddhist and Gina Ford (latter PMT related).
But a bit like other problems we’re finding with older child – building resilience (ours & theirs) is a better long term plan than trying to change them. I am trying v hard not to care and trust we won’t break. And I have stopped fantasising about going out late and not dealing with 1am welcome home tears.
Thanks again for your blog xx
Thanks for this Laura x
Try following the hot flannel with some masochistic icy-cold water on your face – apply by flannel or vigorous splashing. It gets the blood pumping and makes you feel more awake, and, most importantly, makes you look pretty good in the mirror, all pink and glowy. As we all know, if you think you look good, you feel good …
No children here but I am an intermittently shit sleeper myself and use the hot/cold routine when necessary. Also good for hangovers. And Eve Lom’s cloths are definitely just muslins cut down, or at least they used to be.
Did you know that a face cloth is the very best facial exfoliator there is? Apparently scientifically proven etc. Go gently but regularly, and don’t forget chapped lips, and then moisturise, obviously.
(Hello Esther from across K-Town)
I used Juliet Newson at the milpond too! V much not about leaving them to cry esp at this age. Has made a HUGE difference. Really really recommend it. And she wasn’t all smug and know-it-ally, just v sympathetic xx
You know that this gets better, right?
My daughter used to be up every bloody night. She is now usually a good sleeper (feel free to hate me) but woke up screaming last night at about 2:30am. It’s easy to forget just how damn rotten getting broken sleep can make you feel.
This isn’t going to make anyone feel any better but my 9 year old girl is still up fairly regularly in the night as she is just a shit sleeper. The rain scares her still also which isn’t helping. The one thing which does get better though is that kids do end up sleeping later in the mornings and eventually can get up and turn the telly on or make their own rudimentary breakfast. So you do get a lie in of sorts.
Hot flannels are brilliant too! Especially if you are travelling a lot and can’t face trying out yet another crap shower in someone else’s house.
Hi Esther, no tips on sleepless kids but if you like a hot face cloth, Liz Earle cleanse and polish cream and cloth is AMAZING and much lighter (and cheaper) than the Eve Lom. I started using it for the same reason as you; the surprisingly awakening, energising but also soothing burst that a hot flannel can give you, and my clean skin and I have never looked back! LOVE your new blog BTW
As a fellow parent of shit sleepers am so pleased to see you write about it. After first shit sleeper can’t face sorting second shit sleeper out so now have permanent shoulder pain from a child sleeping on top of me all night… Interested to hear if you go with that sleep clinic.
Oh and comment prompted by another blog post I read at the same time who shall remain nameless but whose child slept from 6.30pm (!) to 6.30am.
fuck that bitch
“Sometimes hope keeps you a prisoner and once you have given up all hope, you can be free.”
Very true… I’ve given up after two shit sleepers.
Those with children who sleep through all the time and offer trite suggestions have no idea how debilitating it is… smug gits… some days I can barely muster the energy to make any facial expressions…
My two year old sleeps like a dream but baby no. 2 will be here within a couple of weeks and I am convinced fate is going to get me with a three wakes a night and 5am riser. No broken nights with no. 1 (since 10 weeks) means I am due serious payback. Blog posts like this scare me so so so much!
Re the flannel thing: I’m a complete flannel junkie. I use them for everything. They are brilliant for a quick warm wipe off of make up when you’re tired (bonus is that they gently exfoliate), or for wiping bb cream off your hands after applying. My tip is to buy them really cheap and then you are happy to use them once, then chuck them in the wash…or use them for something manky (wiping up toddler sick, or worse) then throw them away. I heartily recommend IKEA Krama 10 packs for the absolute bargain of £3! They’re soft and cotton and not too thick and fluffy. I buy a load when I see them, they are in the baby section
I’m sure Sam WILL grow out of it.
Stay strong sister x
Millpond clinic saved our lives – our eldest stopped sleeping for 8 months when she was 2 and we tried everything and nothing worked. I wish I’d called them sooner. Thought I was going insane, plus I was preggo with number 2 at the time. Millpond’s approach is as light or as hardcore as you are able to handle. We went hardcore and although the first night of screaming nearly broke our spirit, we never had any trouble after that, and she’s over 4 now. Worth every penny. Good luck!!!!!
thank you xxx
The sleep thing is total shit. We had a shit sleeper. Did the no naps. Did the tire her out etc etc. Considered Millpond 100s of times, couldn’t face it. Adenoids and tonsils removed so make room for breathing. Continued shit sleeper. Sleep consultant took her in for an overnight sleep study. Diagnosed severe obstructive sleep apnoea. CPAP started. Hallelujah!! Sleep for us all!! Bear it in mind – some shit sleepers need more than sleep training.
Thanks Mairead – Sam sometimes still snores and when I sleep in his room I hear him thrashing about a bit, sometimes I wonder if his adenoids have grown back or something…
Hi Esther, not sure you will read this as its an old post.
I have only just discovered your new blog having been a fan of RR for a while now. Having lived and worked in North London for many years it is so refreshing to hear your tales of London life. I have a 7 and a 4 year old and live in rural Lincolnshire (yawn) and have to put up with the cliquey school gate bullshit that goes with village life. Your tales of day to day life with small children have made me realise that there are some normal people out there whose kids aren’t fucking amazing at everything and life is not a competition.
My first has always been a shit sleeper and has only just started sleeping through at 7!! Everyone said you will never have two the same but guess what…yes, the 4 year old is another shit sleeper. Lucky me!!
On the positive side the doctor told me that it is often a sign of high intelligence so I’m hoping that at some point they will do something amazing and all those mums at the school gate can shove it up their arses.
Love the blog….
Hi Debs! Great to have you here. All comments just pop up on one side bar here for me to read, so it doesn’t matter how old they are.
God are people really competitive about their kids where you are? The general attitude among mums I know is that you trash-talk your kids in public and ONLY rave about them to a) your husband and b) possibly granny. Possibly.
I am so sympathetic about your 2 shit sleepers. One is bad enough, if I had two I’d be on a plane to Barbados. ALONE.
Thanks for reading xxxxx