This is as ginormous as it seems to be

A mixture of hubris and disorganisation led me to having to make Kitty’s birthday cake myself. She had requested a cake in the shape of a 5, it being her fifth birthday.

So I ordered a “five” tin from Amazon, (Eurotins – not a promising name), with only 5 working days left until her party and it arrived and it was ENORMOUS. “Fuck,” I thought, looking at it. “Fuck.”

So I quickly rang a few bakeries to see if they could knock me up a five-shaped birthday cake and they all sucked in their teeth and went “Ooo we’d need a fortnight’s notice for that.”

“Fuck,” I thought, looking at the monster tin. “Fucking hell.”

So I set about just making the damned thing. I doubled the quantities of James Martin’s chocolate cake, which is the cake I make for any sort of celebration. It is a good cake because it is easy to make – no rubbing-in of butter and sugar – it keeps well and it’s not too sweet. Find the recipe here (and also go back in time 3 years).

I lined the bottom of the monster tin with baking parchment and then greased the whole thing like mad with butter. Then I made the cake batter, poured it in, put it in the oven and crossed my fingers for the whole 55 mins of its baking time and then whole 2 hours of its cooling time. Then I had to uncross my fingers in order to get the cake out of the tin but when it came out, it was just fine. All in one piece. Fine!

“Fuck!” I thought. Then the excitement of this all went to my head and I decided to ice it with sugar paste dyed pink and then trim it with Smarties all stuck on with icing sugar. Then I had to re-ice round the top with yellow because it was all so cracked and fucked all over the place.

The whole process took about three days (not constantly) but Kitty loved it. I won’t be doing it again though.

Anyway you’ll be pleased to hear that that’s it about kids’ birthday parties for a while as Sam hates parties, so will not be having one for his third birthday in May.