Following on from the success of our last bitch through an issue of Vogue I thought I would fill some space  do another ace and constructive post on April’s Vogue.

Slimmer pickings this time, just between you and me. Or rather so much that was so irritating that I can’t go into it here for fear that someone important might read it and strike me off some kind of waiting list for acceptance.

Anyway here are the things that struck me as interesting.

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Oh now this is fun – literally my 5 year old daughter has been “doing” this for the last few months: a sweater, trainers, a smart skirt? Come ON. Sometimes Vogue is entirely prescient and at other times like a bit of a batty old granny asking you if you “do” the “interweb”.

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I hate this backwards shirt thing so much I can’t even really begin to express it. It reminds me a lot of being a teenager and doing insane things like using a tie as a belt or wearing a wool snood as a mini skit out of sheer poverty. It’s really not stylish. Or Vogue.

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Hurray! Something useful – a piece on geek beauty. Or Nodic beauty, which is to say, not much make-up.

Sometimes when we take the kids to the zoo on the weekend and I get, really for the only time, to see girls of about 16-23 wandering about on ill-advised dates with short-lived boyfriends.

And my god their FACES!!! Fackin ell – literally just drawn on, with eyebrows like EEHRHRHRHRHRH and lips like CLUNK and hair like SCHOOOOM. It’s mental and horrible and ugly and I wish they wouldn’t do it. We all need a bit of help, amirite?, but this thing of like artificially pasting on definition and cheekbones is so grotesque.

Geek or Nordic beauty only means going a bit easy on the bloody slap, but not stepping out bare-faced. I don’t think I really need to expand on this to you, I think we are of one mind. But at least now we’re in fashion.

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More actually useful stuff – crazy nail colours are IN. Neon green, here I come!

NOT. Although an easy way to achieve a slightly off-beat look with your nails if you are not especially into this kind of thing and would no more wear fake nails or even get a manicure than you would wear a pair of Louboutin heels on the school run: paint all over your nails a light colour, add a single stripe down the middle (actually quite easy) of a contrasting colour. I’ve seen this done and it looks grand: very Mad Max.

There you go, April’s Vogue: done.