June bag, APC, E415 (about £350)
I try hard not to think about how easy and beautiful my life would be if only my son, Sam, would sleep properly. He is a truly awful sleeper in all respects. Even in the scattered hours of the night when he’s actually asleep he thrashes about, talks, snores, cries out in seeming distress. There is no pattern to his crap sleeping, every night is different: always bad. Sometimes catastrophic.
We’ve tried everything. Whatever thing you’re thinking about, we tried it. I am trying again with the sticker chart as we have had some, small, tiny successes with that. Letting him cry never worked. And anyway we are too late for that now because he weighs 3 stone 4.5 lb and when he puts his head down, squares his shoulders and charges you, you know about it. Especially at 2am.
He is disrespectful of the Gro-Clock and simply didn’t understand Millpond’s stuff about the sleep fairy and having the door open and closed and all that jazz (that’s £300 I won’t be getting back). Living with Sam is like living with a tiny, angry, stupid, really needy rhinoceros. Who’s a crap sleeper.
Some nights are less bad than others. He might only wake up once, for example, and go back to sleep and sleep until past 7am. Then, those days, when I am peaceful and calm and hopeful, the world shimmers at me with a coquettish smile. The other days, the bad days, when not only has there been no sleep but I have been horrible to Sam (‘What is wrong with you? Why won’t you just let us sleep?’) everything looks bad, sharp-edged, bleak.
This morning, as both kids went downstairs with my saintful husband, I went back to sleep between 0710 and 0740, and had a dream. I am in a house and outside is a storm and there are tornados, those twisty wind-things. And I am looking out of the window and Kitty is next to me. And then I see it, the huge, wobbly column of twisting wind that is a tornado coming straight for the house. And I tuck Kitty under my arm and we lie down flat braced against the front door and we wait for the tornado to hit the house. But where is Sam? Where is he? Oh my god, where has he gone? I half-think, in my dream, that I see his shadowy form: he is behind me, sitting on the stairs. But he isn’t. That is not him. He is outside. Because, I realise in that moment: Sam is the tornado.
More than anything, I feel left behind, crammed into a kind of misty half-life where my children, in theory, ought to be much easier, there ought to be more sleep going round, we ought to be, you know, away. But it’s not, I’m not. We all, still, operate at the mercy of the roulette wheel of Sam’s sleeping. Will he!? Won’t he!? Place your bets!
Not even a good hard perve at this June bag from APC can lift my spirits. On a good day I can look at a really hot accessory and know, really absolutely know that if only it were mine my life would change. But on a bad day, I see it for what it is: just a thing. I’m so tired, I’m so tired, I’m so tired. Because what does it cost to buy this bag? Only money. Ha, money! If money was so bloody great it would make Sam sleep.
Of course by the time you read this, Sam will have had a better night and you will say “OMG – how is Sam sleeping?” and I will look up, distracted from browsing the APC website and say, puzzled: “Sam? You know, alright. He’s a good boy really.”
I do feel for you ….just woke up and hurrah no back or neck ache! This can only mean the eight year old (!) didn’t climb in at stupid o’clock…..
Esther, I thought of you a couple of nights ago, at 4am (that’s not creepy!), as I crept back into my bed having lay on the floor patting my 20 month old through the bars of his cot for 2 hours until he went back to sleep. I remembered you saying a long while ago that Sam was a terrible sleeper, but you tried to cheer yourself with the fact that at least he’s your youngest, at least you’re not pregnant, at least there’s not a baby in the house. Well, Matthew is my eldest, my first, I’m 5 1/2 months pregnant and I don’t know what I’m going to do about his nightly wakings, his ridiculously early starts, his demanding that I sit in his room for 45 minutes to go to sleep. Similarly, letting him scream doesn’t work. And he doesn’t do it every night, just more nights than not. But I’m going to be too big and too stiff soon for lying on the floor or cuddling on the rocking chair- we just won’t fit. What kind of combination is a screaming toddler and a newborn baby, at 3am? When will he sleep? When will I sleep? How will the new baby sleep? I’ll let you know….
I’d give away all the stuff I have for even semi decent sleep right now. Elaine x
Hopefully now he is at nursery doing longer hours he will be more tired and establish more of a routine. I’m sure he is already doing loads of sport/swimming/cycling for extra exhaustion factor. No napping in the car…. I’m sure I’m just saying stuff you do already . It’s a real downer when they don’t sleep. Feel for you x
Claire in fact he’s not one of those loads-of-energy boys… he’s such a shit sleeper that he’s too knackered in the afternoons to do anything. AND when he’s over-tired he sleeps even worse. But yesterday after nursery he wanted to go to the swings so I said yes of course and we went and last night he slept not too bad (plus I’m doing a sticker chart). Anyway, it’s each day as it comes really xx
I had two crap sleepers; the first was worse so the second didn’t seem so bad. We always say had it been the other way round it would have killed us. The second is still awful – wakes at midnight, then sometimes 3ish (not all the time, then we would know what to expect) then up at 5.30 awful, but not every two hours round the clock awful. She has just potty trained so now we get a ‘wee’ wake up too, something we didn’t know we were missing. Anyway, I’ve never tried anything except let them come into bed when it gets too much for everybody. Although I bought her a small Paw Patrol nightlight last week, and my husband and I had a very optimistic conversation about how this was probably going to ‘help’. It has actually stopped the midnight wake up but could just be coincidence. Or maybe Chase really is on the case. My oldest sleeps through and wouldn’t want to come in with us now, but when things were dire with him, like we didn’t even get an evening to finish watching a film, I bought a bunch of handbags. I have no idea why. I went slightly insane, as though if I had the right combination of personal storage with enough pockets, it would magically help me cope with my life. It was a need for some sort of order looking back on it, manifesting itself in the most ridiculous, faintly embarrassing way. When I think about it, it’s like it happened to a different person. I sold them all on eBay last year and it was so liberating. Pretty bag by the way.
Cindy this is a great story
And it’s so awful when people try to give you advice. Or you have an active day, like all the other active days you have and someone will say “he’ll sleep well tonight now”. Want to fucking bet?
ha ha! I KNOW! in fact if he’s really tired he sleeps WORSE?! there’s just NO pattern to it, no cause and effect. that’s what’s so dementing! there’s no answer.
THERE IS NO ANSWER. Mine are both excellent, unfussy eaters and always have been. I make a point of never giving anyone my thoughts on how I achieved this.
i looked into what my lad was eating/drinking just in case he had something that disrupted his mind/body. After that we used to give him Weetabix or porridge for supper to see if that helped, I think it did, then when he was in school full-time some days he’d be so tired he’d fall asleep eating tea. This was back mid 90’s before the digital toy age affected anyone.
you were wondering what you could do with all the spare time you now had – sleep seems to be an answer.
Sleep deprivation is the absolute pits. My sisters middle child was AWFUL- really light sleeper, multiple wakings due to trivial things (duvet not straight, don’t like these pyjamas actually…etc etc!) my sister too was wracked with guilt over the odd occasion where she full on lost her temper at 3am with my niece through sheer exhaustion and desperation. My niece now sleeps all night, has done since about 4yo? Just started doing so, of her own accord- no clocks, reward charts, magic potions (my sister tried all of it) They all do eventually I think- or they learn to be restless and sleepless by themselves without having to involve the entire household! I feel for you xx
I’m sorry that you’re suffering sleep deprivation…it’s awful.. It won’t last forever is all I can say… 😌
Piriton??? Not really, but once my son had an allergic reaction and had to have it for a few days. Was amazing. He slept 6-8:30…
Really feel for you: my oldest (now nearly 22!) was terrible as a baby/toddler, colicky, never slept more than two hours at a time). Second time around my middle one, now 10, was average, some good nights, some bad; youngest is now six and despite being VERY difficult when awake has, thank God, been a reasonable/good sleeper. But always prone to catching you out, so now has a nasty cold/cough and therefore waking every twenty minutes from 4am onwards – and somehow when you are not used to it anymore, it all seems far worse when you do have a bad night, like the last two. I am writing this at work barely able to type through intense fatigue. And NEVER jinx things by saying that it seems better nowadays or you know that the next night will be a surefire disaster – as per this: http://www.fowllanguagecomics.com/comic/first-rule-of-parenting/
Cindy, I want to ‘like’ your comment, but no idea how to do that- too tired? Too stupid? Who knows! Anyway, ‘want to fucking bet?’ pretty much sums it up! Elaine x
Thanks Elaine, I can’t seem to like things on here either (high five)
My little boy is 15 months and in all that time I’ve not had more than about 3 hours uninterrupted sleep 😭. I am due again in Nov and just feel dispairingly tired. I want to punch everyone who says to me that their child has been up in the night too, with teething or whatever, in an attempt at jokey solidarity. I know it won’t be forever, but it’ll probably be for a good few years. It feels like you’re made of dust. You can’t have a life because you just want every spare second to be resting. My parents are desperate to babysit for us, and friends think I’m being precious about leaving him for a night out but I’M JUST TOO TIRED to even want to. No one gets it unless they’ve had a proper shit sleeper too.
Lauren I totally get this, too tired to even have ‘time off’ as it’s too maddening and too much effort, everyone thinking you’re precious and so into your baby and nothing else, when actually you just can’t function as you used to – made of dust is brilliant.
Try and get a prescription for melatonin. Miracle sleepy juice.
Cap first sleeper, crap second sleeper. We just gave up with the second and moved her bed in to our room. God knows how we’ll get her out but at least we are all sleeping.
Anyway my friend had MASSIVE success through some American website, The Sleep Lady I think who she thought was a complete quack but actually turned out very helpful. Does not involve crying in any form, more looking at their routine etc. Apparently shoving some food into them about 5 minutes before they shut their eyes also works.
Hi Esther,
I feel terrible that the Millpond Clinic didn’t work for you as I was the one who raved on to you about how good it was. I really feel for you – my son is nearly 9 and still is an awful sleeper. He is Autistic and has mega anxiety issues about monsters and the dark. The Millpond were really helpful as part of his diagnosis process. You should get back to them and say that their advice hasn’t worked for you.
You must get some sleep – it is so important. I became really blasé about being permanently tired and i am certain that is why i became clinically depressed. I just became a zombie and couldn’t cope with anything.
Boy no 2 is also a bad sleeper because he has massive tonsils and snores like a pig at night. It wakes him up because he can’t breathe so we’ve been referred to an ENT consultant. Get Sam’s checked out.
Also – I didn’t do the sleep fairy – it would have scared the shit out of Archie so I used sweets in a jar. Every morning that he slept through the night or followed the Millpond plan he could put a sweet in a jar & at the end of the week he could eat them all.
Anyway Bon Courage Esther and sorry about the Millpond.
Emma!! don’t worry at all. Other people raved about Millpond, too. It wasn’t just you, please don’t feel responsible. Sam had huge adenoids, which we had removed and I think also has enlarged tonsils, too, but his ENT surgeon is really reluctant to put him out again for surgery unless he’s getting a lot of tonsillitis. At the moment we’re trying again with the sticker chart, and last night we only had 1 wake up. Anyway, seriously, do not worry about recommending Millpond – it was all grist to the mill xx
Ok – I feel better then. Thanks Esther. x good luck with the chart.
The 1st was a dreadful sleeper. I stopped at 1. The memories of driving round the neighbourhood at 4.30am with him stuffed in the car seat loom large. To be fair to him things got a whole lot worse after he had an emergency op and a 2 week stay in hospital when he was 1, there isn’t really a night and day in there. We were both working full time and our day started at 4.30am. He’d started sleeping through by 4 but the marriage didn’t last. Never underestimate the effects of extreme fatigue. He’s 25 now and lives in Japan. Suspect he’s not getting much sleep over there. Ha! It does get better x
Milpond technique worked for us for about two nights. The he was freaked out by the idea of a tiny little person flying round his room staring at him.
Honestly no advice but I sympathise. My son started school last week. Lots of inane comments about ‘sleeping well now as he will be exhausted’ and we are still getting two wake up each night. (Sorry, not trying to make you lose the will to live). I have just accepted it and am currently researching Botox while my younger child naps.
Ps- Hush trousers looked dreadful on me sadly.
My older son was a shit sleeper too. If effects your whole life. We got 3 day nanny Kathryn Mewes in and no joke she sorted it in 2 nights. Cost a couple of grand but changed our lives. She’s lovely too xx
yes but she does the let them scream thing!!!
Don’t want to be negative but my daughter (now 21) was a terrible sleeper and has remained so. We spent time, money and many man hours trying to make her sleep in any type of fathomable pattern – all to no avail. Even as a small baby she rarely slept. What made a difference was when she learnt to read (she was an early reader as she had all that extra time when other kids would be asleep to learn). Anyway, once she could amuse herself we just left her to it, although we still get woken up in the early hours when she’s back from uni by her running around, taking a shower or trampolining at 3am (our neighbours are either deaf or too polite to complain). I feel for you – I ended up really ill for about 6 months. Anyway, just wanted to say that It does get better but it may not get better in the way you expect it to. Xx
She does this is true, but it’s honestly not for long and like I say only for a couple of nights. If not your bag though that’s fair enough. It is a bit of a trauma
Sam would have a nervous fucking breakdown, seriously. He’s super emotional. Giles would never agree to it, he’d find it way too cruel xxx
Oh, poor kid. I am not a ‘good sleeper’ myself, though I’ve learned to deal with it. But feeling completely exhausted yet unable to sleep is really unpleasant. And I recognize the ‘too exhausted to sleep’ thing, too. If I stay up way too late or don’t get enough sleep for a few days, it usually triggers several days of insomnia.
I’ve never found anything really magic, but exercise and diet are the closest things to it, for me (like, a LOT of exercise, especially strength stuff, low carb, etc). And a dark cool quiet room, etc. So I’ve got nothing new to offer there, LOL.
Partly I’ve just learned to be more chill about it when it does occasionally come back. Listen to the radio a bit, or have a snack if I’m hungry, but not get so anxious that this is a sign that I’ll NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.
Maybe Sam will develop the same? I mean either sleep better, and/or just learn to amuse himself quietly and not get upset and wake everyone.
I don’t know how I slept as a toddler, but from the time I do remember it did always take me ages to fall asleep. I would build imaginary houses in my mind, or make up fantasy worlds with characters and story lines that continued from night to night, sometimes for years.
Nope, I’m not a massive fan of leaving small children to scream either. However, I don’t have any advice, I’m afraid.
One day, his not being a good sleeper won’t be your problem any more.
Esther you must get in touch with Ann Caird of Nurturing Sleep. She is a child sleep councillor but uses very gentle methods that don’t involve crying it out or anything distressing. She is so lovely and understanding and a package with her working with you (through Skype chats) for about a month costs £270! We contacted her when my then 9 month old had got into bad habits and was waking up every 30 mins. She’s amazing, I highly recommend. She only works with children under 5 and advises people all over the world. Good luck! xx
Becca thanks! This is a great lead! xxx
I really enjoy reading your blog. I have never left a comment before but your post resonated with me so I decided I would. My son is 5 and has always been a terrible sleeper. He woke every 1.5 to 2 hours for the first 2 years, stopped daytime naps by 18 months, never slept in the buggy (used to shout ‘out’ from about 15 months’ – an early talker probably a result of being awake when every other child was wasting time sleeping) and has slept in the car only a handful of times in his life (when totally exhausted). Things have improved but.. he sleeps in our bed every night and wakes up several times a night asking for the duvet to be put over him or just to check that we are still there. He is also super sensitive and being left to cry would have been a disaster for him. I also hate suggestions or tips and mostly when people say that he will have a nice nap in the car or that he’s ‘bound to sleep well tonight as he’s had such a busy day’. I smile politely as it’s said by everyone including my in laws who should be well aware that that is extremely unlikely.
I just read the link to the guardian article. I often think that I’ve had so much time awake with my son that I’m getting to experience a much longer period of his early life than other parents who spend so many hours with their child asleep or asleep themselves. As he may be my only one, I take some bizarre comfort in this and am enjoying having him beside me as I type this.
I hope Sam sleeps better tonight
Thank you Lou, it’s always great to hear from readers who are first-time commentors xxx
My only suggestion with a night nanny/sleep expert is that maybe they can find a pattern or see things from a different angle that you’re too friggin sleep deprived to see. Worth a shot, no?
Esther – I feel for you. First child (girl) could sleep for her country. Second child 18 months later,a boy, was a non sleeper and very unkeen on any one else sleeping. Stuck it out until I was really really suffering (by this time he was 3.5 years old) and then told him calmly and clearly one night by his bedside that he was old enough now that if he woke up he was to amuse himself (book, lego etc). He was not to wake up anyone else unless he was dying, and Mummy would not be coming to check on him, she would be asleep. While it was not a miracle cure, I reiterated it every time he woke up with a non life-threatening reason and it did make an enormous difference. He is now 9 and is an active mind that doesn’t need that much sleep but does need lots of exercise and food. By 4.25 years old he was a good enough sleeper overnight that we ended up with a bonus baby and I had to go through it all over again. Weirdly, the 3rd child healed the gaping wound of shock, injustice, tiredness and being ground down that was inflicted on my soul by the 2nd child. 3rd child could sleep through by 18 months – 2years and I felt that my motherhood experience (in this area) had come full circle as I had survived ‘easy’, ‘normal’ and ‘really very bloody difficult’. Last weekend I could hear the boys talking in the corridor while I was in bed at about 6.45am and the original non sleeper was hissing at the 4yo he better not wake Mummy up as there would be consequences……. Made me proud!
Michelle this is a great story x
I’m due in December and it’s not the baby I’m worried about, it’s my husband! He is a terrible sleeper and I’m worried about him having to get up and go to work (including cycling in central London) on no sleep if the baby has kept him (us) up. Any advice?! I really don’t want to end up kicking him out of the house.
decent earplugs and a spare bed to move to if it gets bad. are you planning a cot in your room or in its own room at first?
I’m due next year and also worried about this. My husband is a light and sensitive sleeper, and not one to easily cope with even one night’s broken sleep. I know it’s going to be hard, but we’re going to try to a separate bedroom/escape room as far away as possible, plus earplugs, noise cancellation machines and anything else I can drum up. Praying for a sleeping baby, but we’ll get what we’re given!
Kat you are VERY unlucky if you get a truly shitty sleeper. Most kids do just sleep, given half the chance. One you’re through the really new bit where they’re awake needing feeding all the time they’ll probably be okay. Don’t panic until it’s happening xxx
What worked for us with our daughter was putting a pot of a few sweets in her room at bedtime (out of reach!). Smarties floated her boat, but whatever sweet your child likes, particularly if it’s something you don’t normally allow so it’s super special. Then tell them that they can have them in the morning, but if you have to come into their room after they’ve been put to bed then you’ll eat one. She tested us a few times, then got the message and it massively helped her sleep (if not her teeth 🙂
If he’s a greedy one, totally use it. If he has a “good night” ie. no disturbances til the glo clock, give him an otherwise forbidden treat for breakfast. Like seriously, sweets, ice cream, cake, whatevs. When he doesn’t his breakfast is as boring as possible. It’s THE ONLY LANGUAGE they understand. Like training seals. No parenting expert would say this. Because it sounds so unhealthy and it is, but your sleep and his is more important at this stage. You can sort the obesity and food addiction later. H
p.s later I remember taking my son out to choose this ENORMOUS meringue the size of his head, it hung tantalisingly in a bag above his sticker chart and he got it after three clear nights or whatever. Desperate times. But it worked.
Ann Caird is amazing! Worth every penny…
Definitely try Ann Caird. So lovely i want her to adopt me.
Lol. This made me laugh.
Poor you Esther. Nothing worse than sleep depravation which turns you into a grumpy,short tempered, husband and child hater!
I’m sure you’re sick of suggestions but… I know of a child (incidentally she was called Red-Guitar) who had terrible Sam-like sleep and she thrashed, wailed and screamed. It took about 4 years for her parents to discover that she had temp regulation problems. Somehow, this knowledge led to a solution but I heard the story pre-babies and didn’t listen to the details. Xxx