There are a lot of new babies floating around me at the moment. I had Kitty when I was 30, which was a long way ahead of my peers. They were all still having fun while I was losing my mind at indoor play, changing vomity sheets, single-handed, in the dark.
But anyway, they’re not having fun now, ha ha ha! But like all demented old ladies, I’m wild about a new baby – as long as it’s not mine – and like to send a good gift. Not flowers! Anything but flowers.
I came across recently this absolutely brilliant website, called Pong Box, which sends cheese. Not just to new parents but at any old time – so for example if someone’s just moved house, at Christmas, or it’s their birthday and they just really love cheese. I sent my friend Sarah, who’s just had baby 2, a box and it turned up promptly with no fuss and she loves it.
While we’re on the subject of babies I was annoyed this morning to read the thing about how small children develop faster when their mothers are at work and they are in daycare.
A study found that having a stay at home mother held back talking, social skills and doing stuff like getting dressed.
I mean, the actual study isn’t what has annoyed me most – it’s the presumed reason why. People think that children of stay at homes are a weeny bit behind their daycare peers on certain things because those mums spend all day in cafes drinking lattes and on the internet and dumping their kids in front of the telly because they’re so bored and desperate.
And while a little bit of this does go on, the real reason why these kids might be a bit behind their peers is because when you’re with your baby all day, you become a bit like twins.
And twins, famously, have a lot of non-verbal communication. You and your baby have your routine, the things you do – you chat, obviously, but often you don’t. You’re like an old married couple. And first time mothers might not be brilliant at teaching their eldest children to put their clothes on because they’ve never had to do it before.
They don’t have the tricks that daycare might have and don’t need them because they’ve go the time to help their kids on with their leggings. I wonder if this study took into account all the children of stay at home mothers, or just the eldest?
And what about emotional stability? Security? Happiness? Without considering those, too, studies like this can be pretty poisonous. After all, pulling up your joggers, making yourself understood and sharing your crayons are things that can be learnt in three months at nursery.
Anyway, look, all I mean is that if you’re at home with your kids right now and saw this and it freaked you out, don’t let it. Carry on.
I hope they’ve improved their service. My daughter has ordered twice (why twice? the service was so bad the first time, I wouldn’t have trusted them again….) and service extremely poor. Both times they didn’t deliver on time. First occasion Grandfather’s 90th birthday, second occasion, Father’s birthday. Very disinterested customer service. Sorry, cannot recommend – and they’re from Bath where I live!!
Oh dear! I can’t fault the service I had.
Love this! If you’ve been strictly following the no-soft-cheese-no-unpasteurised-cheese-nothing-nice rules while pregnant this would be manna from heaven. Just had number two and would issue defence of flowers: they are lovely to gaze at when you’re covered in sick and sleep-deprived and will be most appreciated about two/three weeks after the birth (when the others have all died and you might even have got around to throwing them out) and ready arranged in their own vase.
Love the idea of a cheese care parcel. Such a good idea.
I agree with you on the second bit, by the way. I am a stay at home mum and the study did freak me out a little bit. However, realistically, by the time they are 15 ALL our children will know how to put their shoes on and will almost certainly be quite good at using a knife and fork. I hope.
Not even 15. 5. These tiny advantages or disadvantages melt to nothing within months.
My beloved husband bought me a CRATE of their cheese when I had our baby last year. I have never loved him more.
I use Pong all the time, usually preordering quite a way on advance, and they haven’t let me down yet.
Another study terrifying new mums into silent self doubt? I AM SHOCKED
You’re amazing. Keep posting.
thanks Caroline xxxx
studies like these really piss me off and I would question its’ credibility. I am a former pre-school teacher and mother of three very bright daughters AND I was a stay at home Mum for most of their early years. I personally think it’s great for kids to be at home with a parent if this is possible for the reasons you listed above, kids learn a lot from simply going to the shops with their mum or dad and pottering around the house. I could rant for hours but the bottom line is that broadly speaking your child will develop according to how you choose to parent your child, so if you don’t speak to them a lot because you are on the phone a lot for example, then your child won;t speak to you. If you never let them put their coat on on their own they won’t learn to do so and this is irrespective or whether they go to pre-school or not – I know this from first hand experience, if the parents aren’t tuned in to their child’s development, it will take a pre-school a very long time to teach children those skills. Over and out!
Could you be any more brilliant? Delicious cheese and an incicive rational discussion on the unseen benefits of being a stay at home parent. Why are so many studies not considering these important factors? You have completely made my week. Thank you.
thanks Alison. I was thinking of you when I wrote it x
Another study seemingly designed to pitch mother against mother. I loved my time at home with the kids but have friends who either had to or couldn’t wait to get back to work. All the kids are now late teens and the usual motley crew of shirkers/grafters angels/pains – sometimes all four on the same day, like English weather and the seasons.
As you were.
Onward and upward.
Well said on the stay-at-home mother argument. Libby Purves has a good Thunderer piece in today’s Times on this.
I thought Libby’s piece was beyond bitchy. I was shocked by it
Oh. I’ll have to go and read it again.
Having re-read it (more slowly!) can see that it is indeed rather bitchy; the bit about deprived families where mothers “stare at the telly all day” for example.
it’s horrible!!! horrible, horrible. I mean, I like Libby, but this is an awful, snobby, thoughtless hack job.
… Libby is always nice to me and defends me on Twitter, or I’d have a go at her about it…
Why not tell her why you disagree with her? Despite the tone of her piece I don’t think your views are that far apart and anyway it’s an interesting discussion to have. Years ago I enjoyed her book “How not to be a Perfect Mother”. And I normally hate parenting books.
I’d find it hard to tell her I disagree with her without getting cross. And I do love Libby, I don’t want to be cross with her xx
Awful article, although I’d agree that my kids were a bit behind daycare children, mostly because we went out and did stuff like fall over in muddy puddles, feed ducks, shop (a lot) in garden centres, and weren’t stuck in an airless room wondering how the hell to entertain 30 odd children. But, you know, they seem to have caught up and dress/read/write as well as the next child.
I think bath oils are my go to new baby present, I seem to remember spending a lot of time in the bath when they were tiny. And a decent bath oil makes you feel less like drowning yourself.
Someone (probably her mother in law) clearly had a go at her for leaving her kids in daycare…
Yes, thank you. You can always be counted on for cheese and reassurance xx
The study sounds a bit stupid, for all the reasons you cite. It’s sad that a few of the comments see this an excuse to be negative about nurseries though. The ‘stuck in an airless room’ comment is very dismissive and inaccurate – doesn’t describe any nursery I’ve seen. Surely everyone knows really that children do well in whatever childcare setting if they’ve got loving parents. No need for the subtle undermining of choices that are different to yours.
Oh my, this is what I want as a gift after baby no.2 arrives. Baby no.1 is a Christmas Day baby and I made my family bring me a little picnic of things from Christmas day eating that I hadn’t been allowed for 9 months: pate, smoked salmon, nice cheeses etc. Christmas dinner in a hospital is depressing and disgusting and all of your loved ones being sent home is awful, but I was a bit cheerier with my little Christmas hospital bed picnic. It probably did pong a bit in my room when they came to check my blood pressure every hour! Elaine x
Ps. Deliberately not even starting on the whole competitive parenting choices and race to reach milestone thing, best for my blood pressure, but I agree wholeheartedly with you.
This is a brilliant idea! As even more brilliant for me as I don’t like cheese so I could have it to offer guests without gobbling it down myself and feeling guilty. Also, without weighing in on that part of the day care debate, I use my daughter’s main educator at her daycare for most of my parenting advice. Sure, I have plenty of friends and relos with kids, but she (despite being younger than me, and not having children) has looked after hundreds of kids and has heaps of different tips and ideas, without any of the mummy guilt.
Preach it Esther! Effing preach it. When our littlest son went for his 18 month check up, the (MALE) gp told me I really should send him off to day care. I was like ‘have you met this child?! If I dropped him off in a foreign place with two carers per twenty children he would literally have PTSD!!’ Babies are supposed to hang out with their mums – there is plenty of time for them to become independent hard arses – why do we have to force them into it when they’re not even two? Everyone’s getting things upside down in the name of independence. Let babies be babies people. And show me the study that throws the stay at homes a bone. It’s not a light decision to hang around until your kids get a life at school etc. So into this post. Thanks Esther.
Just to clarify – I make no judgment about daycare. I don’t know anything about it, never visited one. No idea. I make no judgment about whether it’s better or worse, or what kids “ought” to be doing or anything. And I’m sure the study is correct – what I’m annoyed about are the perceived reasons WHY stay at home kids are a bit behind daycare kids, that’s all. I don’t want to start a massive working mother/stay-at-home row. This is a peaceful place where everyone is welcome…
I read and nodded along to your bit in the Telegraph this morning. What drives me insane about these articles is the assumption that you either work or don’t. I had 5 years off and only went back to very part time work when my youngest was 3. Out of what could well be a 40 year working life that’s hardly significant is it. I hate all the vitriol and judgement towards parents. One minute it’s a survey praising working mothers (never working parents) the next it’s one about ghost children who spend too long in nursery. The reality is everyone just does what works for them. At that time. Leave us alone.
I’ve got friends who had to put their children into daycare because they had to go back to work (mortgage, terror-inducing bills…) and had no handy relative nearby to help or couldn’t afford the eye-watering cost of having a nanny at home. There was a lot of gritting of teeth and not reading bullshit articles about how they were going to destroy their children’s lives with their selfish, career-driven antics which, naturally, were everywhere. Plus, it’s not just the Press sharpening their teeth on these terrible mothers. You’d be amazed at how many women (mothers!) can trot out lines like “Oh I looked at a day nursery once and it was like a ROMANIAN orphanage. All these sad children being ignored….”. Yeah, thanks bitch! Handily, I have a very nice group of friends and not one of us uttered a word about the various choices made, both in terms of employment and generally keeping our children alive. Maybe we got all our West Side Story angst and histrionics out in our drunk twenties.
I was desperate to go back to work. Not only because our mortgage is bigger than the Gambian National Debt but because I had twins and I found it exhausting and hard to do my best on my own. Interestingly, because they were twins and they didn’t develop as quickly in some areas (slow to speak, never crawled, generally glacial in their movements, chronic eating/swallow issues with one of them) I blamed myself for being a lousy mother and not stimulating them enough. Because of these developmental delays I opted for a nanny at home, which I justified as a wobbly sort of ‘best of both worlds’. This swallowed most of my salary but did mean that I got my sanity back somewhat and drank a hot cup of green tea every day. The high life!.
Articles driving a knife into working mothers / stay at home mothers / mothers in general just make me feel really dark and ugly inside and take me back to that horrible first year as a mother where I felt second-guessed and inadequate about everything. Frankly, everyone needs to fuck off . Everyone also always needs to send food to new mothers, nuclear cheese or otherwise. One of my girlfriends (who’d already had a baby) eschewed flowers and sent me a giant basket of muffins and cakes which I rammed down my throat in slabs whilst weeping over breastfeeding. I love her hugely for that epic gift and now send cake always.
Love your blog.
Thanks Tess, this was a great read, I really enjoyed it. I might send the Telegraph your way. x
Do. There’s an unstoppable tide within me against snarky my-way-or-the-highway journalists who want to triplicate the self-doubt felt by new mothers. But then I’m probably being naive. Incendiary articles about 50% of the population are good for readership figures. Who cares if it tips some fat cow with leaky boobs over the edge.
Surely the mandate for motherhood should be love them and keep them alive. The details within are your own.
NB: My twins caught up and are now lovely, wonderful, clever ten year olds in perpetual, cartwheeling motion. Turns out the best I could do at that time was good enough.
This is a slight non-sequitur but sort of related… I read your article in the telegraph. I agree with Giles, that tv/ screens are the devil. They are clearly addictive brain crack and they make my son mental (my son is generally quite difficult for about an hour after the telly is turned off). I decided at the start of maternity leave (for baby number 2) that I would not use it Monday-Friday and, through sheer bloody mindedness, I’ve stuck to it (back to work in the new year, so am unlikely to crack now!) I have two systems, which help me to achieve this: (1) for any day that looks to long to be survived without tv, I hire help- nice Eastern European girls who play trains whilst I make dinner (and I put no limits at all on how often and for how long I have these girls around for) and (2) I have an internal sticker chart and I give myself prizes for every 10 days on the trot (remember I am allowed to let them watch TV at weekends but I still aim not to). Difficulty is excluding food from the reward system, as I am still trying to shed the residue of baby number 2. Being a no-tv-mum has any number of advantages: (1) it might make my sons less likely to engage in online gaming/ screen addition; (2) it’s a good way of swanking around annoying competitive types; and (3) the soon to be employed but not yet found nanny will have to follow in my footsteps.
Typo: obviously I mean “too long”
I think it is also important that we try to stop seeing an implied criticism of our own choices in the choices of other mothers. The real enemy is the fact that a woman’s career options fall off a cliff if she takes time out while her children are small, often forcing either a full time nursery situation in order to maintain it, some kind of frantic juggling situation involving a million tiny compromises each day, or a “bugger it” situation where you stay at home and hope for the best. I don’t know anyone who thinks they’ve got it all sussed exactly right, or who doesn’t prioritise their children in their decision making; the guilt deepens like a coastal shelf. And the children grow up regardless, mostly unfucked up.
My 3 year old is insufferably social and talkative and she didn’t go into daycare until recently. I’m as quiet as a mouse but she’s as social as her father and as talkative as my sister. I’m a big believer in genetics. We met my husband’s brother who was adopted out at birth and was reunited with the family 40 years later. It was truly bizarre – they had never met yet they shared really unique mannerisms and verbal traits.
Yes – my son has been extremely verbal since he was tiny and also responds best to verbal direction but it took him a long time to get to grips with the physical stuff. My younger daughter is much less talkative, but has got herself dressed since she could walk, and just kind of intuitively gets on with things when she sees what’s going on. I suspect their respective abilities are not much to do with me.
Mic I love stories like these
I have used Pong several times and agree with your first poster, Sharon, terrible customer service. I won’t use them again, after last time my Christmas cheese didn’t arrive on time. Neals Yard much better.
I’m a stay at home mother and currently lying on bed with bad stomach cramps. My three year old just put his own pyjamas on and my 5 year old just drew me a get well card, both without me suggesting or doing a thing. That to me just summed it all up and made me think staying at home was all worthwhile!