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8-kid Superkids birthday party box, £70.

I have always gone totally over the top with Kitty’s birthday parties, because I thought I ought to. She did in fact enjoy them, so it was fine. But I didn’t. Not really. Even though we had a truly wonderful entertainer who I genuinely now consider to be a friend and nothing went wrong and all the kids seemed to enjoy it, I didn’t.

So the last birthday party, her sixth, was the last. Next year, she can have a film party or a pottery party or a horse riding party or something. Not an entertainer and games and a sit-down birthday tea. It’s just such a nightmare.

Sam had a small party when he was one and didn’t know any better – but it turns out that he doesn’t really like parties. He doesn’t like crowds or noise – he’d be a totally crap police horse – doesn’t want to go to a party or have his own.

So instead I organise for him a massive blow-out birthday breakfast with helium balloons, (you can buy a helium canister from Amazon or Argos and fill them yourself, it’s very satisfying), proper tablecloth, presents, cards and whatever he wants for breakfast; boiled eggs are usually his dream meal at any time of day.

Then I pack him off to nursery with a giant cake, everyone fusses over him there and they sing Happy Birthday to Sam and every gets a slice of choccy sponge and as far as he’s concerned, that’s the best birthday he could possibly ask for.

So that is a done deal and I do hope I will get away with that until he asks for an actual birthday party, by which time with any luck he can have a small party themed to one of his favourite things, like cricket or monster trucks or swimming or sitting on the sofa picking his nose watching CBeebies.

I have in the past decorated the sacred birthday breakfast table with stuff from Party Pieces – just everything in blue or blue and white.

But then a company called Blossom and Bow got in touch with me; they do extremely cute themed birthday party kits so I struggled briefly with my no freebies rule and grudgingly (willingly) let them send me an 8 person “Superkids” party kit for Sam, whose birthday it is on Saturday.

He has only just discovered Superman so he will be totally delighted with this.

Other themes available are “Over the Rainbow” “Ahoy there” “As Cold as Ice” “Once Upon a Time” and “Jurassic”. All tasteful as hell.

B&B are also planning a festival theme, a forest forage theme and a space theme, coming later this year, to cover all interest eventualities and strictly gender-neutral, which is fine by me.