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Brandy Melville WTF

Screen Shot 2017-10-30 at 08.24.58

For most of my life I have felt older than I actually am – and neurotic that I am doing things that I am too old for. When I got my belly button pierced at 19 and my tattoo whenever the hell that was, all I thought really was “I am too old to be doing this.”

And then I had kids and I really knew what it was to feel old and fat and wheezy, to be ground down with care and woe, to feel tired all the time, to have to deal with nothing but piss and shit and puke and crying for years at a time.

But then my kids grew up a bit and I suddenly feel younger than I ever have – younger than I did before, younger than I did when I was actually young. This is compounded because I had my kids earlier than other people. I wasn’t young, at 30, to have my kids -but relatively, I was young.

Now, with 40 not all that far away, I find myself continuing a course of slightly mental too-young behaviour like getting extra ear piercings, dying my hair, getting as thin as I possibly can, substituting my kids’ toddler marker pens for eyeliner, listening to ridiculous music and calling everyone “pal”.

This is a well-trodden path, of course. I am as much of a cliche as the emo teen or a 27 year old girl with A Life Plan.

But I can’t stop. And I don’t want to. The relief of having hit certain life markers at vaguely the right age has sent me bonkers with relief and I am careering down this tunnel as if I was at the start of a massive, fast waterslide. I honestly can’t say that I a) give a shit or b) plan to stop any time soon.

So it was with complete and total nonchalance that I went onto the Brandy Melville website, recommended to me by our 15 year old dreamboat babysitter Alice, and bought at pair of blue cords.

Brandy Melville is completely hilarious in every single regard. The typical Brandy Melville girl, from what I can see, is the hopelessly slutty yet secretly ambitious 3rd child of a large Californian family with a washboard stomach, 10,000 friends and rotting cotton bracelets all the way up to mid-forearm.

But the absolutely nightmarish thing about BM, which made me laugh out loud, is that there are no sizes. It’s one size, from what I can see. I mean what the ACTUAL FUCK LADIES? I mean, personally I just saw this as a challenge.

Anyway, I will report back.

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Comments

  1. Kathy Sandison says

    October 30, 2017 at 9:39 am

    You’re golden until 42/43, Esther. Downhill from there I’m afraid. Xx

    Reply
    • Ginsta says

      October 30, 2017 at 9:50 am

      I can verify this….

      Reply
    • Cindy says

      October 30, 2017 at 10:46 am

      That’s casually devastating

      Reply
    • esthermcoren says

      October 30, 2017 at 11:03 am

      thanks Kathy. I think.

      Reply
    • Leona says

      October 30, 2017 at 11:51 am

      Oh Jesus 🙁

      Reply
  2. mrsmcbenson says

    October 30, 2017 at 9:54 am

    Looking forward to the ‘coco’ top selfie.

    Reply
  3. thatgirlcath says

    October 30, 2017 at 9:54 am

    I’m so old I thought Brandy Melville was a retro cocktail revived by London hipsters. Seriously though, the one-size-fits-none thing is a disgrace. Nothing good can come from fat shaming teenage girls.

    Reply
    • Cindy says

      October 30, 2017 at 10:47 am

      I thought it was a Real Housewife of somewhere

      Reply
    • Sarah says

      October 30, 2017 at 11:22 am

      Agree, so awful- i thought things were bad enough with body facism when I was a teen, I dread to think how things will be when my 6yo girl reaches this age bracket. A few years back, a friends younger sister was ‘fat shamed’ by a well-known youth fashion brand at a festival she was working at doing promo for them- they wouldn’t photograph her for publicity piece in one of their t shirts saying she was on the ‘chubby side’- for context, this young woman is about 5’8 size 10, has completed 2 ironman events as just about the fittest, least chubby, awesome individual you’d imagine! I’m not naive, I know this stuff goes on in fashion, and my friends sister was strong enough to let it slide over her, but honestly the companies that endorse this crap for young women can all go to hell.

      Reply
  4. laurawelsh says

    October 30, 2017 at 9:58 am

    Holy Fuck – their standard waist size for trousers is 24 inches. And a medium is 26 inches. However there is a silver lining – I’ve been trying to find decent clothes for my tall 11yr old daughter that don’t make her look like a slut and this might be the answer! Will show her and report back…

    Reply
  5. cindy fried says

    October 30, 2017 at 9:58 am

    I’d give it ’til after menopause before one loses va va voom, so you have bags of time

    As for Brandy Melville it’s my 20 year-old’s fave shop and she is a larger 10 but with bosoms. I think her clothes always look slightly too tight but that’s subjective as I prefer to feel like I have lost 5 pounds, so favour slightly looser stuff.

    But what a great notion for a retailer – only skinnyish people can wear the clothes so they are going to look good, plus it is a kind of badge of honour if one fits into them. And no pesky multiple sizes.

    They have a branch in Hampstead (but of course they do) opposite the station, if anyone fancies a riffle through.

    Reply
    • esthermcoren says

      October 30, 2017 at 11:02 am

      are you mad I’m not actually going IN

      Reply
  6. Nicky says

    October 30, 2017 at 10:28 am

    Fifteen year old daughter’s favourite shop, at a curvy size 10 even she can’t fit into the jeans…

    Reply
  7. Cindy says

    October 30, 2017 at 10:58 am

    I feel younger than I did 3 years ago. I completely wrote myself off after my second. My bloom is over, I thought; Jane Austen was totally right about that shit all along. But now it’s back on! Geena Davis was 35 in Thelma and Louise (watched it last night) and that didn’t stop her shagging Brad Pitt and driving off a cliff! It’s all to play for! I’ll leave Brandy Melville to you though; it always sets me up for a depressive episode when I can’t get a pair of jeans past my knees.

    Reply
  8. Leona says

    October 30, 2017 at 11:52 am

    Brandy Nopeville.

    Reply
  9. phoebe says

    October 30, 2017 at 12:21 pm

    At 37 I’m joining things like horticultural societies and organizations that preserve historic buildings where the average age is about 70 so I will feel like a nubile young ingenue for DECADES by my estimation.

    Reply
    • esthermcoren says

      October 30, 2017 at 1:01 pm

      Phoebe this is a good plan

      Reply
    • Sophie says

      October 30, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      Beware the 70 year old buffers who still think bottom-pinching a nubile young ingenue is ok . . . and hold out against being on the committee for another few decades, otherwise you will be on it for the rest of your life! I speak as one dodging the Flower Guild secretaryship at 44.

      Reply
      • phoebe says

        October 30, 2017 at 3:08 pm

        Good point thanks for the warning(s) Sophie!

        Reply
    • Alison says

      October 30, 2017 at 7:16 pm

      Ditto political parties. I did this 2 years ago. I have swerved a crisis over turning 40 by hanging out with 70 year olds.

      Reply
      • esthermcoren says

        October 30, 2017 at 7:19 pm

        Alison you all may be on to something

        Reply
  10. rhianwells says

    October 30, 2017 at 12:27 pm

    ONE SIZE!? Holy crap. All the very best with the BV cords, Esther, but it’s a fuckety bye from me…

    Reply
  11. The Skullers 🎃 (@_Mellers) says

    October 30, 2017 at 1:35 pm

    Hated 20-30. Was frumpy and uptight about not mot finding anyone I wanted to marry. 30-40 went MAD. Enjoyed the freedom and did things I would never do as a teen. Enjoy feeling younger!

    Reply
  12. Louise McKechnie says

    October 30, 2017 at 1:48 pm

    Kathy Sandison, I fear you are right. Suddenly not feeling so spry at nearly 43 (of course, that could be because my youngest son is still only 2..!) – I think it might be the start of the peri-menopause?? Anyone got any clue when that shit starts? No one seems to talk about this stuff! Sorry, Esther this really isn’t your problem, given that you’re still a totally spry 30-something! By all means go Brandy Melville crazy! I shall not be partaking 😐

    Reply
    • Kathy says

      October 30, 2017 at 6:29 pm

      Louise, if you have a 2 year old then tiredness is order of the day whatever your age! Peri-menopause is different for everyone but I guess it wouldn’t be unusual to find it interfering with your life at 43. Take your vitamins, have a daily walk whatever the weather and look after yourself. XX

      Reply
      • Louise McKechnie says

        October 31, 2017 at 9:33 am

        Thanks Kathy! You’re right, I am probably expecting WAY to much not to be below par with a two year old at my age! Xx

        Reply
    • Sophie says

      October 30, 2017 at 7:00 pm

      I’ve been having horrific night sweats from about 41 on and off, which I gather is the start of it, but nothing else of note so far – beyond crapulent arthritic hands which is laptop-related. I have only one friend who talks about this. Oh, and extra-weepy pmt. I nearly cried at the mere mention of the army wives’ choir yesterday and I have never seen any of the progs. ☔️
      Where is the emoticon of woman crying, clutching cocktail glass???

      Reply
      • esthermcoren says

        October 30, 2017 at 7:12 pm

        get yourself to a hormone therapist!!!

        Reply
  13. americanmuminwales says

    October 30, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    I got hoodwinked into spending a domestic appliance worth ( showing my age) in there for my moody madam. She then left me in the LONG loud line to pay ALONE whilst she mad dashed to the next shop ( I was already in a shopping stupor so strike whilst the irons hot was her modus operandi). I have never felt more like a sore thumb ( except maybe writing that phrase) than when standing by myself in skinny jeans and trainers arms laden with David Bowie t-shirts sweatshirts and various midriff ‘things’ whilst being looked on with an eye of suspicion/ sympathy, hoping to god that no one thinks any of the crap is actually for me! BM stands for more than Brandy Melville remember!

    Reply
  14. Elena says

    October 30, 2017 at 1:51 pm

    My raging fecundity makes me feel young and powerful. Don’t ask me why.

    Reply
  15. Sue says

    October 30, 2017 at 2:07 pm

    My 20year old loves BM. We even had to go to the one in Paris when we were there. Erm, I sort of approve of 20 year olds having shops that older people don’t venture into (except for paying the bill, obviously). It seems that people never really get old in shopping/brand terms now. How depressing to see your mother wearing the same stuff as you. And, my daughter finds it quite soothing not to have the stress of multiple sizes and the psychological baggage that accompanies not fitting into the one you thought you were. Whatever, IMO it is actually hideously overpriced tat. But, I am very old.

    Reply
  16. Sophie says

    October 30, 2017 at 3:08 pm

    Thank heaven I have never heard of BM and evidently nor will I need to.

    We should start our own one-size-only shop called ‘Cocktails & Kaftans’. The one size available is, of course, large. I’m in.

    Esther I am LOVING your Sunday cocktail series on IG xxx

    Reply
    • Nichola says

      October 30, 2017 at 3:35 pm

      Oh my goodness, isn’t that what Hampstead Bazaar was? *flashback to early ‘90’s*
      Blimey, it still exists, I’ve just googled…

      Reply
      • Sophie says

        October 30, 2017 at 6:52 pm

        I was always too fearful to go in! Did they have cocktails too???? DAMNATION

        Reply
    • esthermcoren says

      October 30, 2017 at 3:51 pm

      by Sunday night strong drink is essential

      Reply
  17. Amanda says

    October 30, 2017 at 3:13 pm

    I actually think Brandy is genius, just not for me. My very tweeny 12 yo LOVES it as do ALL HER FRIENDS. So yet another example of the Italians tapping the pulse of girls fashion and getting it all right, with a heavy hand of Americana to boot! This is surely not a shop for anyone 22 and up to venture into unless accompanied by someone younger. I suspect in a few very short years your one and only daughter will be begging for a Brandy T-shirt! Enjoy.

    Reply
  18. Jem says

    October 30, 2017 at 6:46 pm

    Horrific shop- absolute favourite of all the anorexics that I work with in inpatient treatment, and we have to ban them. I love your blog and have been an avid reader almost since the beginning of recipe rifle, often laughing out loud. But I really hate stuff thats saying you’re fat, or that you “see it as a challenge” etc as it’s just so prevalent and harmful in our society to be negative about our bodies and feel shit about ourselves…. you really do know you are not fat don’t you?!

    Reply
    • esthermcoren says

      October 30, 2017 at 7:11 pm

      oh dear… look Jem, it’s complicated – a lot of what I think is funny is assuming the inner monologue of a slightly crazed person who just drinks and swears and is obsessed with Tom Hardy and being thin. think a milder version of Karen Walker from Will&Grace. Half the time I am me and half the time I am channelling a lunatic, but it all sort of blurs into one at times.

      Of course I know I’m not fat BUT I will not lie, Jem, I do not like being overweight. I like it when I am slim. Tagging along as I do with my husband to many restaurants which serve ridiculously creamy, sugary, buttery, meaty things, I guess also keeping the weight off is a relief.

      Sorry this is not a particularly tight answer but I am sympathetic that you don’t find jokes about being very thin especially funny x

      Reply
      • Jem says

        October 31, 2017 at 7:47 am

        Fair play to you, thanks for engaging with me! I totally get it, I have struggled with my weight all my life and have this weird complex societal expectations/ pressure/ conditioning thing versus trying to be body positive and not care- mixed with my job it’s a tricky line to tread. But ultimately I also like food a bit too much. Your inner monologue is hilarious, and makes me laugh a lot, and you are very skilled at writing about it. I have a skewed view I know but it scares me and makes me very uncomfortable when I see people who are slim saying they are fat. Not because I think you’re going to turn anorexic or anything but because this kind of thing just continually feeds this rhetoric into society which is lethal for some. It’s fucking impossible frankly!

        Reply
  19. Daisy Newman says

    October 31, 2017 at 8:44 am

    Jesus i’m so old I honestly thought this was going to be a post about that brandy bird who’s husband left her for Leanne rimes (spelt?!) I was 38 last week. And feel about 100, particularly now I realise I don’t even know the name of shops anymore!! Ffs

    Reply
  20. Alexandra Minton says

    November 1, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    I feel like Holly Willoughby is a stomach bug away from BM.

    Can I fast forward to the feeling young again stage please. I’m 33 and feel 63. 5 and 2 year old all sapped the youth out of me.

    Reply
    • esthermcoren says

      November 2, 2017 at 9:41 am

      they will do that. but when the youngest is four you’ll be like WHERE’S THE FUCKING BAR

      Reply
  21. fiftyfranclunch says

    November 2, 2017 at 5:53 am

    I know exactly what you mean, old before my time, as an undergraduate instead of getting arseholed I invited all my lecturers for a 5 course supper and thought that normal. Now just shy of fifty it’s Stan Smith and Jack Wills. Fuck it.

    Reply
    • esthermcoren says

      November 2, 2017 at 9:40 am

      Fuck. It.

      Reply
  22. Leonie M. Smith says

    November 7, 2017 at 7:29 am

    I wouldn’t worry about it. My Mum had her one and only tattoo at 45. She’s yet to start wearing purple hats or spend her pension on brandy (pace Jenny Joseph’s Warning), but she does like the Foo Fighters and says fuck quite a lot. She’s 66.

    Reply
  23. thestarter1978 says

    November 7, 2017 at 3:27 pm

    So how do they look?

    Reply
    • esthermcoren says

      November 8, 2017 at 5:04 pm

      ghastly I sent them back

      Reply

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