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I am just so sick and tired of seeing this stupid bag everywhere, all summer.

Everywhere except in real life, I mean. When I say everywhere, I mean on Instagram. It’s a stupid bag, basically a fruit bowl with handles; it only looks good if it’s empty and it may or may not rain shrapnel and tampax all over the street – like Captain Barbosa drinking wine in his cursed skeleton self – should you dare to put anything in it.

And I’m not envious of it because it’s only £115. Even I, with my very modest freelance income, could buy it now on Net a Porter and be swinging it around by 4pm tomorrow.

It’s not like the other very famous bags that I hate, like the Chloe Drew or that slushy Balenciaga one with bits hanging off it, those I may well dislike just because I cannot afford them, I really don’t know.

I think what it is I dislike about it so much is how much it is pushed on us. I don’t know enough about Instagram to know if Cult Gaia just gift it like mad to Instagrammers, or they genuinely think its cute and buy it for themselves.

I know this latter reason seems unlikely but, considering the price and also considering that all things Gucci are insanely ubiquitous, despite the brand never gifting anything to anyone, (or so I hear), it might not be out of the question.

Personally, I prefer to think of Cult Gaia as purposefully flooding Instagram with this stupid bloody bag, which I’m sure functions perfectly well as a fruit bowl with handles, or as an accessory for really fucking dedicated fashioners in New York, but I loathe being made to feel like I ought to own it. Like I ought to want it. Treating me like a punk.

I have only ever seen one person in real life with this bag, in the South of France, and she looked like an absolute tool trying to hold it and deal with it and get over the fact that she was carrying a real-life IT bag – and live her life with any semblance of grace at the same time.

So my resolution between now and September is to instantly unfollow any Instagram account that features the Ark bag (this is not a threat, just a declaration of intent) – because this isn’t fashion, this is a cult. And I’m escaping.