1 I feel really really old and lined and yet congested and spotty today. I put on loads of make-up and felt disgusting and sticky and looked like an old man about to go on stage as Widow Twanky. So I took most of it off and feel a bit better, but mostly feel awful.

This is strange because my main psychological problem is that I have absurdly high self esteem. I think I’m amazing, look really young for my age and am terribly funny.

I am confronted by evidence to the contrary all the time, and yet this delusion persists. But today I don’t feel it. I feel as lumpen and rotten and saggy and ancient as I actually look and feel.

I’ve GOT to do something about these foul tiny lumps and blackheads round my chin and jaw. The progesterone cream isn’t working clearing it up. The Glow Tonic keeps it at bay but doesn’t eradicate it. Microdermabrasion?

I also need a facelift. My study is a disgraceful jumble of boxes and bits of Christmas decorations. Why can’t I keep it tidy? Do I have that little self-respect.

I hate what I’m wearing. I hate my hair today. I have chewed skin off my bottom lip so it looks like I’ve been in a fight – my thumb cuticles are dry and picked-at. I have a burgeoning headache, neuralgia, puffy eyes and the onset of some acid reflux.

2 A mention on Instagram by Mother Pukka, (whom I now love inordinately because she said she liked my Stories – craven, me? But I also like her FlexAppeal stuff and am staggered at how much shit she gets on Mumsnet – I would have crumpled), means that I am hurtling towards 10,000 followers on Instagram.

When I get to 10,000 followers I get a thing on Instagram called “Swipe Up.” I have in the past coveted this like mad because it means you can send people to your blog or wherever else you fancy on the internet with a link from your Stories rather than them having to click on the link in your Instagram bio. BUT – as an Instagram consumer, I don’t really use Swipe Up that much. I feel like I’m being flogged-to a bit. I also don’t like to interrupt the flow of my Story-watching. What do you think? I wager a good 40% of you are not on Instagram or if you are, have no opinion, but if you do, tell me.

3 I want to find the perfect pair of invisible trainer socklet thingies. I don’t mean white cotton trainer socks, I mean totally invisible beige stocking slithers of fabric. I’m looking for pairs that will not ping off and roll down inside your trainer when walking along. I’m wearing a pair right now from John Lewis, which are promising. Any other recommendations?

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4 Considering all of the above, plus my actually really mad and furious dash yesterday to Uniqlo in order to buy a £14 mesh navy shopper, I think I probably have quite bad PMT. I have alerted my husband to this and he has promised not to look me directly in the eye for the rest of the day. I have taken my vitamins and a StarFlower oil capsule and hope to go back to believing quite soon that I am, in fact, Margot Robbie.

5 Also, I think I will maybe tidy my room a bit and then pack up some stuff and send it off to Sali Hughes’ beauty bank thing because even though The Pool once turned my husband over, slightly unnecessarily, I am choosing not to call them all fucking rotten bitches, but smile benignly and try to get some perspective.