This is not your friend
I have had a lot of emails about my previous very sneering of the use of the word “treat” in accordance with food.
“Why,” some have said “should we not have a treat? Life is hard, you have to be kind to yourself.”
Okay, why shouldn’t you use the word “treat”? Because applying any sort of morality to food is not helpful. Children are not “good” eaters or “bad” eaters, they eat when they are hungry. This sort of food is not “good for you” or “bad for you” – it just does different things to your body and mind.
So if you are aiming to change the way you eat, categorising some food as a “treat” and therefore other kinds of food “not a treat” is to set yourself up for a fall somewhere along the line.
If you want to lose some weight, you have to spend most of your time eating a certain sort of food. Labelling some food a “treat” and therefore other food “not a treat” means that you are expecting to spend most of your life eating “non-treat” food. And how is anyone supposed to keep that up?
If you’re wondering, yes, this post is entirely about semantics – but it’s important, because eating has meaning to us, it is emotional; we are attached to and define ourselves by the sort of food we eat; the literal word label we apply to food, (both out loud and inside our heads), matters.
Changing your diet is not easy and you have to be your own coach, your own support boat. And life is hard, sometimes miserable. Even my life, which is mostly easy, is occasionally sad and stressful. Why would we not want to be kind to ourselves? Why would we not need a “treat”?
Picture the scene: it’s day 6 of trying to eat differently and you’ve had a long day and you’ve fought back through the shitty awful traffic and the slow-moving, smelly stupid general population and you’re at home.
You have been “good” all week. But now you are lonely and tired and unmotivated and there is a long evening at home stretching ahead of you. If you have continued in the last 6 days to see in your mind certain food as a treat, you immediately, in your vulnerable state, open the door to internal bargaining.
“Ugh that commute was awful/I’m so stressed about that thing that happened today…. I’ll just have one little treat...”
And weight gain is not immediate – you will “treat” yourself and the sky will not fall on your head. No-one will know. The diet police will not arrive at your door. So what’s to stop you doing it again, and more, and another one as a little perk because life is so awful? After all, it’s just a naughty little treat… and today was a bitch.
Most of the time, food that gets categorised as a treat is designed to do one thing and one thing only, which is to make you want more of it. That insidious combination of salt and fat and sugar and chemicals is what makes it basically impossible to eat only one Malteser.
Large food manufacturers and takeaway merchants do not want their food to be easy to resist. Some of them just come out and say it: “Irresistable”, says the lady on the voiceover. Some ice cream brands hide their many, many thousands of calories and sky high sodium content behind cute cartoons and wacky names. Brands also push hard and have pushed hard for years the notion that their food is a treat, that you are being “kind” to yourself by eating a bar of Galaxy in the bath or whatever.
(That, for me, is the biggest turn-off – that every time I eat a Toffee Crisp I am basically just dancing to the tune of a load of MNCs and marketing men. It stings the mindless contrarian in me. I consider every orange I eat instead of a Jaffa Cake to be a tiny dent in the share price of United Biscuits. Yes that is a real company.)
I’m using junk food as an example but “treating” yourself even with another bowlful of stew or another homemade roast potato is more or less the same thing.
My point is this: take it just because you want it. Understand that you JUST. WANT. IT because it is a delicious, irresistible thing and you cannot say no. Not for any other reason.
I’m not saying don’t eat what you want – do whatever you like! – what I am saying is: don’t lie to yourself.
Don’t tell yourself that you are eating this thing because you are being kind to yourself, because it is a “treat”. Take the reward element out of it and just say “I want that potato”, “I am eating a Kit-Kat”, “I am going to have some of this delicious cheesecake.” You can even add a “because” if you like: “Because I am sad. Because I am happy. Because it is the only good thing about my day. Because I am bored.” That works, too.
If you can train yourself out of seeing any sort of food as a treat or ever rewarding yourself with food I promise that losing weight will be easier long-term. Find something else – a non-food, non-addictive item – to use as a reward or a comforter.
The fact that you’re sitting there now feeling angry and defensive and going “but WHAT am I supposed to reward myself with instead?” just shows how ingrained in our entire culture and imagination the idea of food as reward is. We can put men in space and get them home again but we are basically still as simple as pigeons pecking at a button for a snack.
My relationship with food is alright and always has been, but my relationship with alcohol is not, so I do know what I am talking about. Half a bottle of chilled white wine, I have had to learn, is not my friend. It isn’t a treat, I want it because I want to to anaesthetise myself against a bad bathtime, or a boring day, or because I’m feeling inadequate in some way.
I can’t explain why, but understanding that has helped me to drink less. And over-drinking and over-eating are really two sides of the same coin – so if it can help me, it must be able to help you, too.
***As a disclaimer to this – I am worried by any message I get from any mother with a baby who wants to lose weight: DON’T BOTHER. If you are at home with a baby you really just need to get to the end of the day with everyone still alive. You can go on a diet when they’re at nursery. Have a biscuit. Have ten! Just don’t call it a “treat”.***
Esther, you are talking so much sense about diets just now. Pre babies I was very good at eating whatever I wanted but in small amounts and knowing that actually delicious healthy food was my friend and junk food was not. I wasn’t a big fan of junk. And I exercised a bit. Then in my first pregnancy I developed a very sweet tooth and realised that if you have a sweet tooth it’s very hard to resist it!!! Revelation. And I felt a bit less smug. Fortunately now that baby 2 has turned 1 and occasionally sleeps and baby 1 is at nursery I’m slowly beginning to eat less again and it feels amazing, though I’m still chubby (for now). I don’t really know what my point is, I’m just joining in. I’ve not commented for ages because I’m not sitting feeding a baby for hours a day any more 🙂 Elaine x
Welcome back Elaine. Yes Kitty left me with a capacity for more biscuits and Orange Capri Suns than I thought possible
I read this mindlessly scoffing salt and vinegar crisps. I hate salt and vinegar crisps.
My inlaws have been in town and I’ve been ‘treating’ myself for three weeks. It doesn’t feel very good.
They fly out tonight. Normal programming resumes tomorrow.
This is just excellent, basically.
yo sis
Esther I find this really insightful and well written and frankly ‘long overdue.’ I have a pretty good relationship with both food and alcohol, I grew up half in France and I weaned and raised my children the same way. I eat well and eat good nutritious food as I love cooking and on the odd occasion I do eat shit it makes me feel awful. I went to Nando’s yesterday and had an avocado and quinoa salad whilst my friends tucked into delicious chicken ( the chips looked and smelt filthy but that’s just me, I don’t like chips ). I agree, nasty processed food isn’t a treat. Good stuff !
High five! You are absolutely fucking right of course! I think it might have something to do with the infantilisation of society because the world is a toilet pretty much, but that’s a bit heavy for 8am. X
What she said
Esther this is extremely sane and just great advice. Will you share with us what you now consider a ‘treat’ that isn’t sugary junk (or booze)?
life has been a bit up and down in the last few months so to be honest, things just being quiet and peaceful, with an early night on the horizon, has become the greatest treat in the world…
Last night after eating very well for days and losing a bit of weight, I spied a huge Toblerone that my husband brought through Duty Free. It looked so delicious that I had two bits and it was indeed bloody delicious. I don’t regret eating it for one second but I certainly don’t regard it as a ‘treat’. Sometimes you just have to eat that really delicious thing, regardless of it being afresh peach or a huge chunk of Toblerone.
oh fuck yeah! EAT IT! but eat it for the right reasons xxx
Good on you Esther. I so agree. Food/wine whatever we ingest is not about treat or a trade off. Thank you for writing so eloquently on the subject.
I thought this was brilliant- so wise and well observed.
This is just perfect Esther, isn’t it crazy how eating has got so complicated ?! I love your honesty and common sense in a world of “perfect” instagrammable moments. I’ve struggled with food issues since I was 9 and at 44 am now finally at peace with it all, largely due to relinquishing the control food had on me and accepting that it’s ok to want a KitKat every so often. The world will continue to turn and the sky won’t fall in! I’m trying to set an example to my 6 year old daughter who has the most uncomplicated relationship with food and I hope that she never goes through what I did.
amen to this
This is really on the money. It’s really important to eat more mindfully and not skew the meaning or value of certain foods- ‘I deserve this’ ‘just a little naughty treat’ etc etc (This is especially timely pre-Easter- I in actual fact felt a bit queasy in Sainsbury’s the other day walking down the ‘chocolate egg aisle’, the whole ‘treat yourself’ to our overpriced over-plastic packed, sugary shite ethos! I’ve been guilty of stuffing myself to point of sickness with chocolate at Eastertimes past, just because it’s there, and because ‘it’s easter’ then feeling totally disgusted at myself and lack of self control! I’m much better at NOT doing this kind of thing these days in the first place, because of all the reasons you explain here) x
Brilliant post. In fact if all of your writing on food (from recipes to “diets”) is commendable. I’m one of the mums with baby although I’m back at my office job. Not sure if that makes it harder or easier or the same but losing the weight seems bloody impossible and I’m just going to take your advice and worry about it when he goes to nursery (and stop talking about treats in the meantime when I clearly just need to anesthetise!!). Thank you x
Kelly it’s all hormones. Wait it out for a bit…
<3 <3 <3
Meant 3 hearts (text shortcut). Love the post. Thank you!
Ahhhh you talk so much sense. Everybody should read this. It’s all about making the every day food we eat taste so delicious that each and every meal is a treat – for want of a better word! Brilliant, brilliant post. X
Really excellent article.
YAS! I can’t have ‘treats’ anymore (gallbladder is still unfortunately inside me) and it has TRANSFORMED the way I think about food. No more “but how can I possibly NOT HAVE PUDDING?” thoughts to fight. No snacking. No more “Oh I’ll just have one…shit the box is empty”.
I used to ‘treat myself’ to booze and THAT is just as bad.
So now if I want to be kind to myself, I binge watch Drag Race under a blanket.
Thank you SO much for recognising the rather special circumstances that entail when one is spending the absolute lion’s share of every day at home with a small person/people. I currently have neither the motivation nor the child care to get down to the gym or think too much about the afternoon tea habit i’ve developed since having my children. However, youngest son starts pre-school inSeptember and then i’m going to be ALL OVER IT💪✊! I do also very much agree with what you say about the words we use to talk/think about food. So important. I for one know that if, for example, I tell myself I “can’t” have that slice of millionaire’s shortbread, you can be damn sure i’m going to want it even more – and probably end up eating two 🙄. Good, helpful writing as always Esther ❤️
Louise consider yourself to be on holiday from life until the child is squared away…
I can’t remember whether I read it here in the comments on a different article or somewhere else, but something else that I find really helpful when it comes to compulsive treating-of-self when it comes to food is to remind yourself (e.g. when picking soup over tempting looking baguette filled with chicken mayo) that “it will still be there tomorrow…and the day after”. Particularly when the “treat” in question is in your local Pret/M&S/non branded sandwich shop. Fair enough if it’s some particularly delicious morsel when on holiday that you might not be able to get hold of at home, but then that really IS a treat!
Something that complicates all of this for me though is that I tend to yo-yo between planning meals because it interests me and I like them (and maybe because I’m a bit bored at work…) and trying to just see food as fuel (i.e. during the week when eating soup). Answer really is to get a job that engages me so much that lunch becomes whatever I have time to grab that day.
This week I listened to the beginning of a programme on Radio 4 around women’s spending habits, and the way that women are trained by the way things are sold to us to think of it as “treating ourselves”, when in fact we have remarkably similar spending habits to men, but they aren’t taught the same language around guilty pleasures / life is too short so buy the shoes etc etc, and that this in turn impacts on our ability to treat our finances in an emotionless way, and in particular can mean we end up hoarding money pointlessly vs. making sensible investments. It seems that the same language / concepts can apply to buying a piece of clothing as they do to food and it is all MARKETING TRICKERY.
I think the same can even apply to exercise – it’s a chore with an end purpose (weight loss / toning) in mind for so many women, when for so many men it’s a fun thing that stimulates them and makes them happy – it doesn’t always need an end goal, helpful though that is – and is often tied in to e.g. seeing mates / having fun.
I suspect that these different languages / messages some of us may have learned that mean we have to often work hard to overcome said messages in order for a healthy lunch / new top purchase / run be just “normal”, without complex, often guilt inducing emotions attached to them.
SO MUCH MARKETING!!! BURN CAMBRIDGE ANALYTICS TO THE GROUUUUUNNNNDDD
Love your straight talking Esther. It’s obviously hard to resist food that is delicious and makes you feel good (momentarily), same clothes, wine etc but this way of rethinking the labelling & ‘uses’ of food is so helpful – it’s all just food. And we all know what’s ‘good’ and what’s not. It just takes a bit of honesty and straight talking & then you make your own choices as is your want.
Have you seen any of the furore over the Cancer Research Campaign’s ‘Obesity causes cancer’ print ads? I don’t want to drag you into the argument (I do) & obviously there are so many issues involved, and fat-shaming per se is never helpful, but a bit more honesty and self responsibility all round on the issues surrounding food is so crucial – for ourselves, as an example to our kids etc. Easier said than done but trying to see through the ‘treat yourself’ and ‘deserving’ crap food rhetoric strikes me as a good place to start.
I had an epiphany when I read your previous piece in which you mentioned treats. I’m so glad you did as there was a huge clunk in my brain and I realised, as you said, it’s not a treat if it takes you further from where you want to be. My mother is very keen on treats (ice cream and cake particularly), even to the extent if you don’t accept then she gets offended, which is a whole different mind game altogether, but certainly not a healthy relationship to be around. As a result of your exposé I’ve felt weirdly free not to eat the supposed treats and am now back in the jeans I had burst out of two months ago. Thank you.
I used to come in and drink tea, eat biscuits and read a book for 20 mins. I found that dropping the biscuits actually makes no difference whatsoever to the experience – I look forward to the tea and book just as much. It’s just appreciating things that are good in themselves without added sugar all the time.
I had a conversation with my son about this same kind of thing yesterday – he dawdles getting dressed and he asked what treat he would get for getting dressed quickly every day for a week. I told him the reward is he would get to school on time, no one would get shouty, and I could talk to him about Mario or whatever instead of just repeating “we’re so late”, and that there is no other reward (I’m SUCH a joy as a mother, I can’t tell you) The thing is, I haven’t ever used rewards to get my kids to do things, because really a chocolate bar has nothing to do with getting your trousers on and equally a glass of wine has nothing to do with bath time, and creating that association is just training yourself to respond like a lab rat instead of enjoying things for what they are. (My kids hate me but so what?!)
your kids will just up the reward required until you are buying them a freaking pony for breathing in and out
Ha! THIS.
Well exactly. And likewise I can’t in good conscience reward myself with ten buns like a cartoon elephant just for dropping them off at school because where will it end?! It reminds me my mum used to play the Tammy Wynette song No Charge a lot, which is the mother of all guilt trips about asking to be rewarded for stuff you should do anyway. It takes a Nashvillage.
LOL
Sadly for me, I am one of those people who thinks about food pretty much from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. I love most food, I love reading recipes, looking at food, browsing supermarket shelves, planning what I will cook next week…..it’s such a big part of my life. And as I’m 62, my metabolism is much slower so I can’t eat as much as you youngsters! So every day is an act of mindful eating, being aware, making small changes so I can still eat the cakes I love to bake without gaining weight. I am a size 14, as I have been most of my life. I love clothes, I run every week and weight train – for health not to look good especially although looking healthy IS a good look. I don’t drink because I don’t like it much. As you get older, and wiser, (yes, you DO get wiser), life becomes easier so look forward to that. You’ve been there, done that, come out the other side. At least, that’s how I feel and I know I’m lucky in many ways so no disrespect to those struggling with ill health or other issues.
Yessssss. Typing this from underneath a seven week old – having just chosen to eat a marshmallow thing because I wanted it and in years gone by, I would have absolutely attached a moral element to my food and ran away with all the guilty feelings – it’s engrained in every person in my family.
Any Spikers who feel themselves nodding their head along in agreement with your message may want to check out Krista Scott-Dixon’s books. The free PDF one she offers up, F*CK Calories!, changed my life and repaired my relationship with food. I’ve since purchased her other books and found them just as useful. I gain nothing from suggesting this – it’s just a bloody good resource for people who are ready to hear this sort of message. I make a habit of rereading F*ck Calories! on a yearly basis. https://stumptuous.com/fuck-calories
Ahhhh you talk so much sense. Everybody should read this. It’s all about making the every day food we eat taste so delicious that each and every meal is a treat – for want of a better word! Brilliant, brilliant post. X
This is the most sensible thing I have heard for a long time!
Your theory (sort of) on a plate https://theinappropriategiftco.com/products/the-essential-diet-plate-you-fat-cunt
Love this! The language we put around food is so damaging and we all do it. Brilliant piece and so well written. You need to help out Public Health England to stop then wanging on about calories. Yawn x
I totally agree with this – I’ve never understood how stuffing your face with food that WILL end up twatting your entire endocrine system can be construed as a ‘treat’…
This is super helpful. Thanks Esther. I’ve lost control of my relationship with food this winter and have been kidding myself that every time I eat a “treat” it’s because of the snow or a sleepless night with the kids, or whatever, but then finding myself unable to stop “treating”. It’s scary how this “treat” food can make everything else taste colourless. So you eat an orange on it’s own and it’s juicy and delicious, but you eat an orange AFTER the bloody Jaffa cake and it tastes like this bland, stringy, watery thing. It’s freaky!
being VERY tired or hungover makes it pretty much impossible to stay off the sugar. I certainly always find myself mainlining Cheerios if I’ve had a rough night – but I’m eating them BECAUSE I’ve had a rough night and I’m exhausted and just WANT sugar, it’s not a treat…