Did I ever say congratulations on your engagement? I can’t remember, I was really busy sticking pins into a voodoo doll of you in an envious rage doing yoga around that time.

Anyway, look, I’m kind of a big deal in the UK – that’s the first thing you need to know – and so I’m probably the best person available to give you a few TIPS and TRICKS on a) getting married in the UK b) being a wife in the UK c) living in the UK generally.

Ready?…

1 When you are arranging your hen night/weekend, make sure it is somewhere really far away and expensive. Invite very random, dull female relatives of Harry’s and also your PA. Make everyone do something really awful like wear giant penis costumes and run down Las Ramblas.

2 When you are arranging your wedding seating plan, make sure there is a “fun” table so that everyone not on it feels left out; also have a “singles” table full of rejects, so that everyone on it wants to commit suicide before they’ve even sat down. If you want to massively offend and piss someone off, sit them next to a 13 year-old relative while all their friends are on the “fun” table.

3 When you are arranging your wedding list, you will end up having it at John Lewis because everyone will sneer if you have it anywhere else. Be sure to include some insanely expensive gift on there for a laugh, which someone will then buy you and you realise that you actually don’t really need a £600 camera and have all the natural visual aesthetic instinct of a stoned koala bear.

4 Weddings are funerals for friendships. Take a good look around the room because you won’t see most of these assholes ever again.

5 Enjoy yourself! Everyone is on your side. Even if we’re sticking pins into a voodoo doll of you, it’s only because we really, really love you.

6 Try not to get pregnant on your honeymoon because it means that all your wedding gifts will arrive when you are crawling around on the floor retching with morning sickness and you won’t really appreciate them. Some of them you will have to return because even the sight of them makes you feel like puking for weeks afterwards.

7 DON’T GIVE THE KID A WEIRD NAME. I know it’ll be 40th in line to the throne but just don’t. “Louis” is just about okay. We don’t like that kind of thing in this country and will never forgive you for it.

8 Learn how to roast a chicken, it’s pretty much all we eat here.

9 Set up an Ocado account.

10 Buy rainwear