The Spike

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Dear Meghan…

Did I ever say congratulations on your engagement? I can’t remember, I was really busy sticking pins into a voodoo doll of you in an envious rage doing yoga around that time.

Anyway, look, I’m kind of a big deal in the UK – that’s the first thing you need to know – and so I’m probably the best person available to give you a few TIPS and TRICKS on a) getting married in the UK b) being a wife in the UK c) living in the UK generally.

Ready?…

1 When you are arranging your hen night/weekend, make sure it is somewhere really far away and expensive. Invite very random, dull female relatives of Harry’s and also your PA. Make everyone do something really awful like wear giant penis costumes and run down Las Ramblas.

2 When you are arranging your wedding seating plan, make sure there is a “fun” table so that everyone not on it feels left out; also have a “singles” table full of rejects, so that everyone on it wants to commit suicide before they’ve even sat down. If you want to massively offend and piss someone off, sit them next to a 13 year-old relative while all their friends are on the “fun” table.

3 When you are arranging your wedding list, you will end up having it at John Lewis because everyone will sneer if you have it anywhere else. Be sure to include some insanely expensive gift on there for a laugh, which someone will then buy you and you realise that you actually don’t really need a £600 camera and have all the natural visual aesthetic instinct of a stoned koala bear.

4 Weddings are funerals for friendships. Take a good look around the room because you won’t see most of these assholes ever again.

5 Enjoy yourself! Everyone is on your side. Even if we’re sticking pins into a voodoo doll of you, it’s only because we really, really love you.

6 Try not to get pregnant on your honeymoon because it means that all your wedding gifts will arrive when you are crawling around on the floor retching with morning sickness and you won’t really appreciate them. Some of them you will have to return because even the sight of them makes you feel like puking for weeks afterwards.

7 DON’T GIVE THE KID A WEIRD NAME. I know it’ll be 40th in line to the throne but just don’t. “Louis” is just about okay. We don’t like that kind of thing in this country and will never forgive you for it.

8 Learn how to roast a chicken, it’s pretty much all we eat here.

9 Set up an Ocado account.

10 Buy rainwear

 

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Comments

  1. Caroline says

    April 27, 2018 at 11:17 am

    😂😂

    Reply
  2. Nicolr says

    April 27, 2018 at 12:01 pm

    Chortle 😂

    Reply
  3. Cindy says

    April 27, 2018 at 12:46 pm

    So funny – nothing makes you rethink your status in life than looking round at who you’ve been put with at a wedding. There was one a long time ago where I’d have been more comfortable with a seat in the kitchen.

    But – don’t get pregnant on her honeymoon? She’s marrying Prince Harry! I’m going to be taking precautions just watching him on the telly the cheeky devil.

    Reply
    • elfinkate says

      April 28, 2018 at 11:58 am

      So this. I have often been miffed and flattered by my wedding placements. When your best friend overlooks you for bridesmaid but someone you’ve barely spoken to for 5 years asked you to be their maid of honour? SO WEIRD.

      Reply
  4. Emma says

    April 27, 2018 at 12:53 pm

    She’s got one of these down already- apparently he proposed while they were roasting a chicken together…?

    Reply
    • esthermcoren says

      April 27, 2018 at 4:08 pm

      Emma you need to be flogging features about the royal wedding to national papers. you’ve got it DOWN

      Reply
    • Kat says

      May 7, 2018 at 7:53 am

      I literally came here just to say this. (Also the only other time I’ve heard Prince Harry in an interview he was also discussing roasting a chicken so clearly MM agrees with this one too.)

      Reply
  5. Eleanor says

    April 27, 2018 at 5:33 pm

    Love this! Does anyone else find it weird that they’ve given Louis as a first name wgat was only could enough for George’s third name?

    Reply
  6. Susanna says

    April 27, 2018 at 6:23 pm

    OMG Esther, this the most hilarious post! Do NOT stop! So good.

    Reply
  7. Jo R says

    April 28, 2018 at 7:48 am

    Love it 😍

    Reply
  8. Sophie says

    April 28, 2018 at 1:07 pm

    “Weddings are funerals for friendships”.

    SO TRUE.

    Reply
  9. mrslololala says

    April 30, 2018 at 2:41 pm

    My husband suggested that we should call some of the tables at our wedding ‘Toxic’, ‘Siberia’ and ‘Flammable’.

    Reply
    • esthermcoren says

      April 30, 2018 at 3:37 pm

      I like the sound of him

      Reply
  10. Beverley Hunter says

    May 2, 2018 at 6:51 am

    Brilliant Esther, made me laugh out loud this morning.

    Reply
  11. hownottowritte says

    May 4, 2018 at 12:26 pm

    Learn that your handbag will always contain both an umbrella and sunglasses and that you will be looked at strangely when you say aluminium.

    Reply

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