I’m sure I’m not alone in having certain things, shapes, colours, items of clothing that I simply cannot wear.
Off the top of my head: fondant pink; lavender; frills; puffy sleeves; A-line skirts; nail varnish; lipstick, cinched waists… oh god I’ve got to stop now or I’m going to get depressed.
Boots is the one I’m saddest about. I wish I looked good in boots. I do not. In the past I have explained that this is because I have freakishly skinny calves. That sounds like a good thing but it is entirely not a good thing. My legs are sort of carrot-shaped; wide at the top, narrowing down to these pathetic size 4.5 feet, which is SO ANNOYING because honestly I’m quite slim but out of proportion so with the wrong footwear I look like I’ve got this massively fat bum.
A good solid pair of boots would even out my relatively wide beam BUT thanks to the freakishly skinny calves in most boots my legs look I am standing in flower pots.
Hateful. And those stupid sock boot things don’t work either, they make my feet look ginormous and flappy and, you know, around this time of year it just makes me really sad as everyone else gets excited about boots.
Occasionally I am walking down the road behind a girl with a really shapely pair of calves and I let out an involuntary kind of “Uhn” noise. That’s how much it bothers me.
But, you know, I ought to put it all in perspective. Things I can wear: hats; culottes; strapless things; micro-mini slag bikinis; polo necks.
I’ve got what my mum would call “sturdy” calves – I know that because she did in fact call them that. But boots are about the only footwear I can manage with my small but frankly unnecessarily wide feet – I’m never going into Mordor so why?? – I just buy a size up and lace them up tight like Scarlett O’Hara’s bodice. Heels, pointy things, are all out. I can also wear hats and polo necks, but have trouble with skirts. I have a small waist in comparison to other areas, but they can’t seem to find it, forever riding up or down. Strapless things scare me.
The website is great by the way, I’ve missed all this xx
Cindy! I have small but frankly unnecessarily wide feet too. WHY INDEED? So frustrating, they’re practically square. And to help matters, they don’t respond well to Sydney’s humidity in summer. Strappy sandals are definitely out, but at least I can play with boots during our blink-and-you’ll-miss-it winters. At least The Spike is back. I’ve missed all this too. x
Boots! Yes ditto, v difficult. Low-cut ankle boots (almost ‘booties’) with some sort of adjustable buckle detail suit me, and I have one pair of these magical creatures, and have had them repaired multiple times as I’ve not been able to find any more similar. I’m a beanpole so people assume I can wear anything but that’s rubbish. V necks and floaty drapey peasanty things – I look like an inpatient. Halter necks and anything too strappy – greyhound in a racing harness. But I excel at coats/ overcoats/ long jackets, being 5’11”. ALL coats look amazing on a very tall scrawny person. I do enjoy trying on really smart ones in expensive shops, with no intention of purchasing.
Would leg warmers balance out the lack of calf?
Maureen McCollum says
I got a great pair of flat boots from the M&S children’s section. I am size 5/38. they were only £35. Also got some tan brogues from the same section.
Lisa F says
Off the shoulder tops – apparently called Bardot tops. Have quite broad shoulders so make me look like a Gladiator.
You should do a ‘what i won’t wear’ Esther. Top of my list would be those horrible cut out / cold shoulder tops. A style crime if ever there was one. Bah humbug
This gives me the absolute sodding rage. Why are all knee-high boots the same width at the top? It’s like making skirts with only one waist size. I’ve got skinny legs too and every autumn waste hours of my life searching for a slim-fit boot; it puts me into a filthy mood every time. I don’t understand! There are loads of women with slimmer-than-average calves – why is no one making boots for us? Why is no one making knee-high boots in slim-, average- and wide fit? (And no – of course we don’t want weird stretch boots which look like black socks with an ugly heel attached to the bottom of them).
There is of course the option of taking knee-high boots to a shoemaker – you need a good one for this – and having them taken in to fit your legs. It’s pricey but probably more efficient than endlessly searching for something that doesn’t actually exist, which I have done for approx the past 25 years. I had boots taken in when I lived in New York, and skinny-calved women used to rush up to me on the street and ask me where I’d bought them.
Also – while I’m here – could you please quite soon tell us what to where in the winter? Every shop shows its AW collections on women with bare legs and pretty shoes – I would like to wear dresses and skirts but I live somewhere cold so I need tights and I need footwear – we’ve covered the knee-high boot dilemma (quite apart from the question of whether it’s a good look or not – I have no idea) and for some reason I can’t carry off ankle boots unless with trousers. I spend my whole winter in skinny jeans and polo necks and sigh with the boredom of it every morning when I get dressed.
And I’m confused about coats. I feel I’m lacking. What coats and jackets are capsule please?
Kate this comment made me laugh and laugh – so unapologetically furious. I also rather like how you sort of turn on me mid-comment “and while I’m here Esther you *$74*%& what am I supposed to wear in winter??” Kate for YOU I will do a post asap about exactly what I will be wearing this winter. Not necessarily what we should all be wearing, but it’s what I’m going for…
I have permanent simmering anger towards whoever’s responsible for knee-high boot widths. Look at the models – they all look stupid too! Great wellies flapping round their legs.
“Also – while I’m here – could you please quite soon tell us what to where in the winter?” – haha, I was trying to be polite, but I think you sensed the “quite soon” was delivered through gritted teeth – you know what I actually meant was FOR GOD’S SAKE WOMAN, HURRY UP. I really need someone (you) to tell me what to wear because I can’t be bothered to think about it any more, so thank you very much for the upcoming post.
(And I’ve just realised I wrote where instead of wear, which is horribly shaming, please don’t think ill of me).
p.s. your idea of taking boots to a shoemaker and having them fitted is absolutely brilliant