I’m sure I’m not alone in having certain things, shapes, colours, items of clothing that I simply cannot wear.
Off the top of my head: fondant pink; lavender; frills; puffy sleeves; A-line skirts; nail varnish; lipstick, cinched waists… oh god I’ve got to stop now or I’m going to get depressed.
Boots is the one I’m saddest about. I wish I looked good in boots. I do not. In the past I have explained that this is because I have freakishly skinny calves. That sounds like a good thing but it is entirely not a good thing. My legs are sort of carrot-shaped; wide at the top, narrowing down to these pathetic size 4.5 feet, which is SO ANNOYING because honestly I’m quite slim but out of proportion so with the wrong footwear I look like I’ve got this massively fat bum.
A good solid pair of boots would even out my relatively wide beam BUT thanks to the freakishly skinny calves in most boots my legs look I am standing in flower pots.
Hateful. And those stupid sock boot things don’t work either, they make my feet look ginormous and flappy and, you know, around this time of year it just makes me really sad as everyone else gets excited about boots.
Occasionally I am walking down the road behind a girl with a really shapely pair of calves and I let out an involuntary kind of “Uhn” noise. That’s how much it bothers me.
But, you know, I ought to put it all in perspective. Things I can wear: hats; culottes; strapless things; micro-mini slag bikinis; polo necks.