I’m incredibly angry with someone at the moment. I am punch-the-wall, scream into the abyss furious. This is unusual – when I was young and angry all the time I was constantly having ranty hypothetical conversations with people who had slighted me or taken against me (because I was so angry and snarky and rude all the time to everyone).
But now I just bumble about. I have learned that it is more powerful to be sort of blankly nice and serene all the time than admit to the world that it has got to you. If I’m annoyed with someone I complain to my husband – or ring next-eldest sister if it’s really bad – but mostly in the morning I’ve forgotten about it and I am grateful I did nothing about it.
But this is a different order of things. My husband is kind of horrified at how angry I am. If I ring my sister and start telling her I will never stop ranting. The details don’t really matter – I ought to clarify that this is a woman but she is not a relative. If you’re reading this and you’re worried it’s you, it’s not you (if that makes sense). Even if she would never, ever see or read this I’m not sure I’d go into the whole sorry story – really, the details don’t matter. This is also nothing to do with hormones – I checked.
My question for you – (because I’m not seeing my shrink again until next Friday, otherwise I’d just tell her) is – how do you let go of justified rage? My instinct is simply to go round complaining to absolutely everyone, but what good will that do, really – in the long term? I just look mean and sore and it only adds to the misery of the world. How do I metabolise the rage into understanding? What emotional solution or distillation will dissolve it into something inert?
How do I get on with my not-unbusy day, which kind of requires reasonably serene state of mind? How do I not let anger win?
How, Spikers… how? Please leave a comment in the handy box below.
The Hoffman Process
I think you might have to let it all out. Would writing it down in a not-for-publication way help? I mean, sort of a list of what she said that made you so angry? Or go up to Hampstead Heath and scream? My father regularly drives me to this sort of blinding, furious rage, and I vent my spleen to the dog, my poor husband, and the garden (and, presumably, any unfortunate neighbours enjoying their gardens…) until I am so exhausted that I no longer care as much. Also, crying?
Meditation, knitting, watching Grantchester, talking to Mum, cuddling a dog or cat, go to the Zoo, walk in nature. Sending hugs 🤗
It’s really powerful to be angry and good for us – but if that anger is becoming toxic and actually affecting your happiness than take back control from the situation. I can’t think what has got you this angry (can’t you get drunk and tell us?) but the person in question is unlikely to be worth it. Options – a) write an email expressing your displeasure/disappointment just so it’s said; b) do that whole ‘pay it forward’ thing and for every slight do something nice for someone else (kind of makes you feel you’re rebalancing the universe a bit; c) allow yourself a day to be really cross and wallowy in your anger but then put it away. The person who has made you this angry is unlikely to know/understand/care. I’m no shrink (think I’d be struck off within a day) but you’re better than this shit so don’t let it stick.
Yes please do get drunk and explain all on insta stories… you know you can block certain people from viewing them, so you could make sure the person in question doesn’t see…
Write it all down in a sort of letter. Seal the envelope . Put in a drawer. Throw away six months later
Whenever I get like this, my partner who has few feelings simply says “Fuck her! In the ass!”
It always makes me laugh and sort of dissipates the rage. Because what else can you do, really?
Go old school and write a letter to the person everything you wish you could say. My sister attacked me at my sons 4th birthday party and had a screaming meltdown that ended in her getting arrested last year. I was a rage monster for two weeks until I wrote her a letter, 8 A4 pages of years of pent up frustration with her. I never sent it but boy did it feel good to write it! I was so much calmer afterwards
This has happened to me recently. I found pouring out all my thoughts and anger onto paper helped enormously. Not typing it, but writing long hand over (several) pieces of lined A4 paper, crossing bits out and rewriting where I hadn’t ‘said’ exactly what I wanted to say. I then read it over and over until my anger had subsided. I’ll never send the piece and will probably never read it again, but it was cathartic.
Clean in a furious frenzy and swear copiously whilst doing so, then spend some time on myself (paint nails, fake tan, “do” hair) and swish around for the rest of the day with a “F**k ‘em all” attitude looking fabulous.
Oh dear -is it the girl in the Boden catalogue?
ha ha! no! definitely not xxx
You’re One in a Million… so listen to this track first:
https://youtu.be/2mgaDW5bWmo
then… Breathe:
https://youtu.be/vyut3GyQtn0
They’re really just a reminder that anger is natural, rage and fury the same. Natural.
About 6 months ago I had a horrible encounter with someone – to cut a long story short they shouted at me on my doorstep while I was holding my newborn daughter and made me feel scared to be in my own home. Once I’d got over the shock I was so FURIOUS about it all! I see this person most days so it’s not like I could just forget about it. I was so worked up about it that I would lie awake at night just hating them and plotting elaborate revenge fantasies haha. I’m now pretty much over it, but I do still have a flare up from time to time. The conclusion I came to is that any time you spend plotting or feeling ragey is just time that you’re miserable. In my situation there was nothing constructive I could do. So… if there’s something positive and constructive you could do, then definitely do it, but otherwise you may just have to feel the rage for a couple of weeks and then let it fade naturally. Or go full on Kill Bill 🙂
I’m sorry but real, justified anger of the sort that moves you to post practically first thing in the morning, is like heartbreak, a bereavement, the common cold. Only time will fully dissipate it for you.
You could try to remind yourself of how you are right (and less on how the other person is wrong) and then just get on with distracting yourself from the main thing by doing the little things.
In the meantime, introducing elements of violence to everyday activities can give brief relief. Stabbing an onion before chopping it. Kicking a cardboard box. Hand-shredding documents into very tiny pieces. Polishing a mirror until you can no longer see your face it in, that kind of thing.
Sending supportive thoughts.
Yes, this. And the way my mad brain works – is that I start getting anxious about being angry, so not only am I angry, but I’m frustrated with being angry!!
So I would expect to wake up, feel angry, and say, yup, this again. And it will fade in time.
In the meantime, also expect to feel a bit poorly with it. Shitloads of adrenaline running through your body. So hot baths, cups of tea, comforting telly etc. xx
Nah, go for it, I’m sure absolute rage increases your metabolism!
Ask yourself why are you giving her the power to make you angry
Ask yourself is what she did catastrophically life changing – does it warrant this much anger?
Process it efficiently and then focus on someone/something that needs your energy
I also write it all down – sometimes in a totally melodramatic, really going for it, full stream of consciousness way, sometimes as a fully-crafted theatrical monologue – and then either save it as a word file or put the piece of paper away and normally never revisit again. There’s something about the actual process of just concentrating on it and articulating it that helps me move on. I hope you’re ok. There’s nothing worse than feeling full of rage and knowing that the only person who is really suffering is you.
That sounds like total bullshit you’re dealing with. The only things that really work for me are going for a run and/or getting too drunk and venting to whomever happens to be around. Not needing to be reasonable or appropriate during drunk ranting seems more cathartic somehow. One of these options is more socially acceptable than the other… But either way, good luck. I don’t often get angry, but when I do it consumes me. BTW I love your writing. x
Write that shit down. Page upon spleen venting page if need be – don’t necessarily read it back through though, just write. Then, unrelated to the writing, imagine the worst thing in the world happening to your most loved ones and enjoy the relief that it’s not really happening and you’ve ‘only’ got this other thing going on – however cross making, it’s never going to be that bad. It’s worked for me with an on going issue I’ve got which would irk a saint. And if that fails, remember how aging getting cross is. Good luck.
I want to hear more about the shrink! Is she good? Does she help? Is she expensive?!
First thoughts are that, if it’s justified anger, it’s there for a reason. Maybe anger is the right response and it’s hanging around because you need to do something- confront this person, maybe? It’s hard to say without knowing the details.
If not, or it’s simply impossible to confront her or change things at all, then I’d have a think about why this incident in particular has made you so furious? Certainly for me, things make me crossest when they tie into something I’m already (consciously or unconsciously) upset about, and the cause of anger becomes the focal point for all those bad feelings. I think sometimes just recognising this can make things clearer and easier.
Go for a walk/run, write a letter and don’t send it, watch an emotional film. Avoid “topping up”- don’t keep deliberately reminding yourself why you’re angry and avoid things that might annoy you anyway eg Twitter.
Other than that- go easy on yourself, you’re allowed to feel angry.
Also the Hoffman Process
Do a boxing class. Seriously v good for rage
I was this angry with a woman I thought a friend who became successful when she passed off my work as her own (only one down from sleeping with your husband). I talked, ranted, let it fester, raged, talked more, for months, it didn’t go away. In the end I had a cord cutting ceremony with a shamanic healer (not words I’d expected to write). The idea is when we have relationships with anyone we create invisible energy cords between us, the energy flows back and forth. But when you cut ties for whatever reason your energy is still being drained away through the cord by the evil ex friend/partner/whoever. The shaman symbolically cuts the cords while you rant about how angry you are. It works. Thereaputic, placebo, real spirit work? I don’t care, I have only 3% of my anger left which is reserved for the day I bump into her again!
Tallulah this all makes 100% perfect sense to me
I recently sold my house and our buyer was batshit CRAZY. My husband was getting furious but I was kind of revelling in being totally in the right (for once!) and loved being up on the highest of horses. I killed her with kindness and it was so satisfying. I have basically grown a halo. If it’s at all possible to take this approach, I highly recommend!
If not, I fully agree with commenter above, get drunk and tell us 🙂 We’ll have a mass bitching session.
I so sympathise. While divorcing my husband I used to have – one-way – shouting matches with the empty passenger seat in my car while driving round London & further. What really infuriated me was the unfairness of it all. I also saw a therapist once a week who shrank back in her chair throughout the 50 minutes, said little but helped so much. Something that helps me when I’m incandescent with anger is somehow to take control of the situation. Often the most infuriating thing is that you’re allowing the other person to get to you. I’ve accepted that I’ll never get my ex to apologise for treating me the way he did and that acceptance does help.
Running really helps me and personally not ranting to everyone does help as I find I can get myself worked up even more. Accept this is how you feel now – it won’t always be that way. Forgive yourself and her.
Exercise!!! Sounds pious but only way rage can reduce for me!!!
I’m actually all for female rage at the moment. I’m so tired of being serene and ‘nice’. But I highly endorse running, as fast as you can to very, very loud music on a treadmill. Possibly to Jagged Little Pill, but funnily enough selected songs from ‘The Greatest Showman’ also work for me because I can’t imagine being furious with Zac Efron, or Hugh Jackman. Sending strength.
I can totally empathise. I have one of these situations in my life, and no matter how much you tell yourself that it doesn’t matter as it’s the other person’s problem and not yours it is still unfair, unjust, and very much rage-inducing! I try to just imagine putting all her chip-on-shoulder bitterness into a boat and pushing it out to sea… On a nice day I hope she heals herself, in a bad day I hope she drowns… who am I kidding I’m probably not much help!!
Start by really concentrating on how utterly STUPID that person was. Only someone so really, really stupid would have caused this upset. As you meditate on this, perhaps you might start, only start to think that she maybe was having a really crap day, and you just happened to be in the firing line. Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Write her a letter or an email (without an address in the To box!) which you never intend to send but write down every single detail of why you are so angry. Then either put it away in a drawer or burn it and hope that the cathartic act of getting it all out helps. Maybe try to do some exercise too, run away your anger (?!) while listening to some happy/up tunes. After all that, if you figure out that you do really need to say something to her, sleep on it and then actually write or phone her and get your (pre-rehearsed) point across, sans emotion.
I wholeheartedly agree with the letter writing (and not sending). When I discovered that someone fundamental to me had betrayed me (and my family) in the worst way possible, I wrote it all down and left it on my computer for another day. Which didn’t come because I just bought a new laptop. I suspect I would still do serious damage to that person but letting every one of my petty and ginormous feelings out was a huge help even if the person never knew. I do like a rant but after a bit you just feel too hectic to function….
Write a letter but don’t send it and go to a boxing class – found the latter great for releasing anger
Hard exercise (sorry!) will take the edge off, then rant to sister, then cut ties, symbolically and otherwise if possible. Good luck!
Read ‘The Poison Tree’ by Wm Blake.
Time, time and time. It doesn’t particularly heal but lessens the feeling. Pick one person to vent to, warn them before you start that it’s going to be a long, angry stream of words which may not make sense. You don’t need advice, just to be listened to and validated. Once it’s acknowledged and put in a ‘place’ it can be revised but the anger will get less and less over time. Don’t avoid thinking about the situation, that just displaces it and then it becomes like an untamed monster. Wear an elastic band on your wrist and when you feel your feelings escalating to an unmanageable level ping it hard. It’s great to get drunk and vent but it’s not a solution, although it has to be done. Gather all the information and advice you can and pick the one which works for you.
I very much agree with Alexandra above – the “killing with kindness” approach really does work and comes with a pretty sizeable side order of satisfaction! Is this someone who you must keep seeing? If so, I do honestly feel that the best “revenge” is not letting them see that they have got under your skin. Most deliberately unpleasant people ( obviously I don’t know if that is what this woman is like, or whether instead she has made you angry purely by “negligent omission”, if you get my meaning), but anyway, purposefully mean people really get off on seeing their target’s discomfort and upset, so DON’T give them the pleasure! If it’s someone you don’t need to actually see, nor someone who adds in any positive way to your life, then just cut those ties (whether with shamanic help or not). Cut them right now! I had to do this recently with someone who’d been in my life for a long time but had for a number of years proved themselves to be an absolute heel, and I now feel absolutely great at never having to deal with any of that particular toxicity ever again! Snip snip!
Yes I’ve fallen into the ranting trap and it somehow makes it feel like I’m the one in the wrong after a while because I sound like a mean grudge-bearing hyena. Having said that if I can manage to stand up for myself in the situation and confront the person in some way that tends to help put it behind me. This is not always possible, desirable or necessary though so it rather depends and it has to be done with dignity. I do think it is important to feel it and not be talked out of it as that leads to other unpleasantness and resentment.
On a practical level I agree with balancing things out and the things that help take me out of my head are doing stuff my kids want to do with me, let them make the decisions and genuinely try to enjoy it with them rather than go through the motions dwelling on something else, and in general working hard to make sure other people who don’t deserve it aren’t getting the thin end of the wedge because of how I’m feeling. Sending thoughtful impromptu gifts to people that haven’t upset me to cheer them up because they’ve probably got shit going on too. Going for a run or a really long walk. Listening to music. The Golden Hour album by Kacey Musgraves is really chill. I also find it hard to be angry listening to Glen Campbell or Paul Simon. Having a cry. If I feel a bit weak doing this I think of Meg Ryan in Courage Under Fire yelling “it’s just tension, asshole!”
Thinking about it though if someone has upset me the first thing I nearly always say to my husband, in varying degrees of seriousness, is “we have to move!” and in fact the couple of times I’ve really felt suffocating righteous indignation I have coincidentally moved house and left it behind me. Extreme fight or flight. Obviously this isn’t possible every time someone pisses you off (according to my husband) but I do think that there is something in creating some sort of physical distance that is helpful and dilutes things a bit – go somewhere different if possible and don’t just rattle along in all your old grooves like an angry tram. Anyway I’m sorry for you, it sucks xxx
“don’t just rattle along in all your old grooves like an angry tram” – get out of my head Cindy xxx
I would speak to your therapist, she might see you as an emergency, if you have that sort of agreement with her. And if not, perhaps you can talk about why that might be better for you if you could.
Really sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Oddly enough both my siblings have annoyed me big time this morning and I’m pretty furious too. In the interests of Our Mother and family unity I’m going to have to shut up and put up, but the blood has been thrumming around my veins madly. So I am currently wearing my head massager; don’t know how to post a pic on here but it’s one of those metal thingies which you pop on your head and manipulate around to lessen tension. I certainly feel less irate than I did an hour ago and only the cats are laughing at me…
Come to think of it, a full body massage would be just the ticket (we hold anger in our bodies) but I haven’t got time. Maybe you could ring someone who does home massage and get them over? Thinking of you… Lisa x
ps I think the writing a letter and not sending it is sage advice too…also I love the idea of cutting the cords that tie us to those that do us harm
I find other women have the capacity to create a far more violent unrelating rage in me, than any relationship I have had with a man. It’s all encompassing and feels physically invasive. I go against the grain and find that confronting the person directly is the only way I seem to heal. The need to verbalise how I feel becomes so dominant, that I cannot rest until I have explained the hurt / pain / stress / anxiety they have caused .
Ask yourself – will I care about this in a month? A year? Does this person generally add positively to my life? If not – it’s her problem, Don’t give her power – feel sorry for her in the way she behaved as happy people rarely go around d making other people furious – also I was at a funeral yesterday- you know what – LIFE’S TOO FUCKING SHORT – enjoy your fab life and dwell no longer 😍👍
Wholeheartedly endorse the full writing down every upsetting detail advice and putting it somewhere private. It will take time to put this behind you but please try as otherwise it can have the unfortunate side effect of poisoning relationships with those closest to you. Unless you let go of these feelings you will be unaware of how this persons actions slowly begin to affect your responses, values, outlook on life and ultimately you. Don’t allow them to inflict any more pain on you than they already have. It’s not easy and you may not believe it at this very moment but time really is a healer …. if you can accept these feelings are going to go away let go now and save yourself months of misery.
Try this:
Hi Esther I’m also angry with an old friend at the moment. The best thing is to not engage with her – silence is golden and I’ve also found a really good mindfulness app which have three minute breathing exercises which really help. Having said all that I realise I do like all the drama surrounding how I feel about this friend and want to tell everyone and talk about it ad nauseum…..
Having snorted and turned my nose up for years and years about anything even vaguely touchy feely or that which could be deemed indulgent, I now have a mindfulness coach, who is fab. Anyway, can hardly believe I’m writing this now, but my coach tells me to hold my emotional response to a situation with kindness, because at some point in the past whatever emotional response I experience will have helped protect me in some way. This concept is something I struggle with but if I actually visualise holding it in my hands kindly and observe it (trying to be a proper mindfulness type person), I do find I’m able to disengage (a bit) and stop raging quite so much.
Could be utter bollocks, but hey.
It’s a bit of a long term one – but live the better life then shove it down her fucking throat in public.
Worked for me.
Sending love
I would go down the long-hand writing route, trying to work out what was making it so hard to get it out of my head and let go. Sometimes the things you think matter about it aren’t the deep seated root of the issue .
Also (can you start a sentence with also?) working out if your response is an over-reaction without you realising helps with letting go.
Put the writing in a drawer you dont use very often, next time you see it try tearing it up or burning it.
then go do some exercise – the boxing sounds good, or swimming if you can find somewhere to do a fast bashing crawl.
although sometimes a good scream cry can help
Someone who accused my daughter of bullying hers, someone I thoroughly dislike and avoid at all costs. Has bought the house across the road. My howls of anguish are totally ignored by my husband …
This is HORRENDOUS!!!!
I know! I swing between feeling so down about it and then I’m seething. My poor daughter (equally upset) there will be no escape for her until they go to different secondary schools next Sept!
Christ, you poor things. When people accuse your kids of doing things they haven’t its the worst. Courage mon brave. x
Are you me? You always seem to know just what is in my head. Anyway sounds cheesy but the headspace app is really good for calming me down when I have uncontrollable rage.
I find an immediate release from a repeated “Go fuck yourself” (Paulie from The Sopranos) said into a mirror helps A LOT. Emphasis on ‘fuck’.
Then go for a run.
Then thank your lucky stars you are an emotionally intelligent, kind and sorted human being unlike said woman who has caused so much grief to you (and others no doubt).
As someone above said, happy people do not go around attacking others. It is all about them and their unhappiness.
Feeling sorry for said perpetrator sometimes helps. In a faux concerned way, “poor thing to be so ghastly and unhappy in life..”
Is it an actual legitimate grievance? Or are you just in a bait? This is the first question. If it is legitimate, just explain to her that you are angry and that she has behaved badly. We are all too conditioned to be nice. It’s excruciating but it lances the boil.
If you’re just in a bait, get over it.
Easy to say, hard to do…
1. Accept you’re angry (rather than being angry with the person for making you angry) and think about what you can do, if anything, about the situation to make you feel less angry.
2. If you can’t think of anything,try just deciding you WON’T be angry any more. It’s not worth your time and energy. Annoyingly, it is a choice to be angry.
3. If that doesn’t work, or not well enough, and you’re still ruminating long after you want to stop thinking about it, try thought-stopping techniques. I used these when I’d been obsessed with a certain situation for YEARS and it worked. The best one I invented was that whenever I thought of the person (usually in a particular location I couldn’t avoid) I’d put the name in an imaginary safe, slam the door, use an implausibly large number of different dials to create the combination lock and then lay dynamite and blow up the safe. It was such a complicated ritual that by the time I’d finished I’d stopped thinking about the problem.
This is wonderful!
I’m with the runners…always helps me. Sometimes if I’m really mad I run along crying. I probably look crazy. But afterwards, I definitely feel better.
I also think confronting the person – not now, but when you’re (a lot) less angry – is a good thing to do. If only so you can ‘say your piece’ and move on. I did this before, after an incident that really, really upset me because I felt like I’d been shat on from a considerable height. Afterwards I felt so much lighter. But don’t do this yet. Right now, I think you might kill her. And that will only lead to bigger problems. Yeah right now, go for a run. x
Poor you Esther I haven’t posted on the spike for ages as Im busy re training to be counsellor! I should have something insightful to say but my advice is to pour a large glass of wine and stick pins in something in the manner of a voo doo doll. Also have NOTHING more to do with her EVER unless she massively apologises. Could be tricky if she’s on school run etc but remember EVERYTHING passes including the school run and if she’s been mean she is probably just massively jealous of you and your fab blog. I think most nastiness manifests from jealousy.
If it helps we have all been there one of my best friends (ex) upset me about 6 years ago and Im still a tincey bit more upset about it than I should be. I am only admitting this because I am on an anonymous blog. Im not angry anymore just sad and I DREAD bumping into her which sometimes happens. She wasnt just horrid to me she was also horrid to my daughter which didn’t help. I think we often expect our friends to behave as we would and when they don’t its a horrible shock.
Please tell us more about the shrink!!! Im fascinated!
The anger will pass trust me Im a trainee counsellor.
Ha ha! My lovely shrink Dinah!! I see her once a fortnight and tell her all my problems and she’s great and helps me be better and find clever solutions to problems than either a) bottling it all up b) shouting c) doing one and then the other
Proper psychiatrist or counsellor?
oh no no just a counsellor
I’ve got the craziest suggestion and one that I haven’t seen mentioned above – one that I have found works for me at least (after years of experience of not doing this. Oh and after years of thinking I sort of enjoyed ‘venting’ to everybody but the person who was responsible, which I did, but it’s now too exhausting!). My suggestion is : tell her. If you know her well enough to invite her for a coffee, why not do this and explain the situation and explain how you feel. Hear her side. Try and patch it up. If you can’t and she is truly unreasonable and undeserving of any further time, then my advice is ‘all of the above’ (or below, depending on where this reply appears!!).
Good luck xx!
I think writing it down really does help. I work in a school and we use this a lot for children who are feeling angry.
Write it down then burn it (we don’t burn it in school by the way!) x
Oh Esther! And all you other lovely Spikers…i have a similar shitty situation, and it has been going on over the course of a few years now. I have ranted and bad mouthed and been a bitch and killed with kindness and been running etc. Nothing has worked – she still incites the most fantastic rage in me. The worst part is that i think she is such a narcissist she has no idea how badly she treats others! most people are sucked in by her fake niceness which infuriates me even more. She is “in it to win it” in every single situation she is in and be damned the rest of us. As you can see, I can’t get over it, but I try to distance myself and “be the bigger person”. BUT when will it end????? Or at least take up less of my energy???! If you stumble across a solution, please please please share! Xx
It never ends, I have a similar “friend”, she is utterly clueless/doesn’t give a shit, regarding her behaviour. The whole county is bitching about her, and has done for years. As for others being sucked in …. its only a matter of time before she reverts to type and upsets a new friend. I have heart palpitations just thinking of the “wrongs” this woman has done to me. Is she aware ? Does she care? The problem is she thinks she is a good and kind person, Its others that are the problem … God I’m ranting now…. bringing it all back. I am so cross with myself for giving this woman the power to make me feel unsettled, angry and upset. I take solace in the fact that I am not alone, every one who knows her has a catalog of stories about her, we get pissed and tell them to each other , whilst laughing/hyper ventilating. Its kind of fun . Try it !!XX
It’s difficult to let go of justified rage because you have a right to feel angry. I do the hypothetical conversations as well (hand gestures and snarky comments that have nothing to do with the argument included) but if I’m still feeling angry I think the only way to go is to just tell the person what an ass they’re being. My sister’s philosophy is to sleep on it and if you’re still angry then ring them up. She even writes what she wants to say so she doesn’t forget . But if you find yourself constantly angry with the person then the best thing to do is just cut them – no one needs that kind of crap in their life. I spent the past three years cutting out people who I felt were terrible for my sanity and life has never felt so uncomplicated. Confronting people is terrifying but you’ll feel amazing once its over.
My husband, (who is so similar to your husband it is frightening – often wishes for a Walking Dead scenario to happen as he says ‘I’d take a lot of people out.’ He is in touch with his rage.
I, less so. But my advice is – write it all down – vent it all out. Then go for a walk. Drink wine. Do NOT drink and dial. Finally think about this woman. Is she happy? Doubtful. Is she doing this because she feels she is RIGHT. Then fine. That is her truth and let it go. You can’t control other folk. If she is doing it to be cruel or meal or spiteful then think – dear god, she has the energy for that. Be amazed at her capacity for this. If she is stupid – then really, why are you angry.
Finally – I am angry too. Your event is sold out and I missed tickets. GRRRRRRRR
I am currently in a fight with an old friend. I am very angry at her and various other people, but my weakness (and maybe strength) in life is that I can always see the other person’s point of view. So I am unfortunately in sympathy about why she’s behaved as she has. I just disagree with her. However, she cannot see things from my point of view so as much as understanding her calms me down, I then get angry all over again that she is only interested in her own perspective. What’s my point? Not sure I’ve got one. Anger is like any other emotion, feel it and it will pass. Agree with whoever suggested a massage. Actually going to book one for myself now.
I feel like this is a work thing – and breach of trust. Regardless – has this person given you a gift of letting you know they weren’t who you thought they were? And therefore you can act accordingly in the future? Some practical immediate steps might be possible to protect yourself from them. I’d think about what those were and knock them off a list. Then I’d hire that shaman. Then I’d turn on P&P (1995 version) and break out the wine.
Hi just wanted to say thanks to the two posters above who suggested ‘The Hoffman Process’ which I’ve just googled. Personally I think it will help me and hopefully my son. Thank you.
Embrace the anger, feel the power, then write a letter, but don’t send. Fully and expansively RANT when you are alone, using ALL your words. Indulge in the exercise of your choice and speak to your therapist.
I spent years yearning after someone whom (?) I had a fling with. Then he come to stay with me to help me renovate my house……………..horrible, awful, the scales fully fell away from my besotted eyes and it ended badly. I was incandescent with rage and anger about the time I wasted lusting after him. Lots of talking to friends and shouting in the car………………….I deleted him and blocked him. He lives in the Hebrides so I won’t run into him, but if I did it would be from a position of living well and “Fuck off……..you are not worthy”
Life is unfair. It makes us sad, bad, or mad – for mad read angry. We get angry. We get over it, we move on. But anger that disables us? That makes us feel we can’t breathe? That we could do someone a serious damage? That’s powerfully horrible. And it’s usually because whatever the other person said or did has touched on something old, deep and unresolved inside us. Those feelings of rage and powerlessness go back to our childhood, when we didn’t have access to grown up strategies to manage them, all we could do was rant or cry, or go blank. So we have to do some untangling, like Ariadne in the labyrinth, trace the feelings back to where they started, ( a good therapist can be a marvellous companion on the journey) and remind ourselves that although we are angry, and have every right to be angry, we don’t have to be at the mercy of our anger. It doesn’t have to,push us around now. Of course, I could be on completely the wrong track and you should just stop,looking at the Boden catalogue.
Vent it. Write it all out until you can’t write no more. You’ll feel better for it and will be able to move on.
Oh Esther. I am exactly the same – the imagined conversations, the moaning to my poor lovely husband. I’d like to know what to do. I work with 15 women! Every day someone pisses me off.
When my evil first husband left me (when I was BLOODY PREGNANT) I was incandescent. And it was right before Halloween, so I got myself some pumpkins and I stabbed the bastards in the fucking face until I cried and then I felt a tiny cessation of rage.
what an evil fuckface I hope he dies in a big helicopter crash
He’s a tremendous bellend. It’s been eight years and I’ve still got steam coming out of my ears. Xx
Play the last 2 minutes of “killing in the name of” by Rage against the machine as loud as you dare in the car or house (without kids around) and bellow along
The release is amazing
OR
Watch Danny Dyer sum up David Cameron and imagine he’s talking about this woman.
https://youtu.be/-W77154J0-w
TWAT.
Good luck xx
Visualise a positive outcome. Keep that image in your head. All is awesome
Been there. Trying to focus on something else, going for a really long run, drinking a ridiculous amount have delivered varying degrees of success. Read somewhere an agony aunt responding to someone justifiably angry about outrageous behaviour of husband’s ex-girlfriend, and she pointed out that you don’t need to carry around a giant box file proving that you are right and she is wrong. I found that thought helpful. Also remember that the object of your fury is likely to be sleeping soundly and either blissfully unaware of how badly they have behaved or uncaring, so just hold in your mind the Sun Tzu line about how if you wait long enough by the river, the bodies of your enemies will come floating past. An arsehole will get treated as such.
Tell EVERYONE what a massive dick she is, then let the anger mellow into a nice healthy hatred. Mmm, soothing.
Hi Esther
Great replies and each to their own…but I’m too impatient to sit and write if in a rage. I’d be full of energy from it and would need to have a good loud rant to husband, then probably son. I’d be using all sorts of bad language – very fucking sweary, aggressive, about whom/whatever.
Beyond that lwould likely do something in the kitchen and play some favourite music- very loud. It’s a question of burning it out and letting it flow away after.
Needless to say, doors and windows closed – live in a semi).
All the best x
Don’t waste time writing it down. Don’t pay someone to” help” True sovereignty lies within. Only you can control how you think and feel. Forgive yourself. Forgive her. Choose to feel acceptance of it all. Expect a positive resolution. Let it all go. Life’s too effing short to let someone else dictate how you feel. In the light of your non attention the thing will dissolve into nothingness. End of.
Pause. Breathe. Failing that, Samurai sword.
Just spill the beans. Tell all. You’ll feel much better when everyone is on your side. I’d really like to know.
Plasticine, pins – make a model and torture it! (I am quite nice really but the family motto is never forgive, never forget and take your revenge when it suits you so venting blind rage has been practiced and perfected)
I feel like we need a family motto too
i got thinking of a motto and imagined a quartered shield – cross pens with inkpot, knife/wooden spoon frying pan, bottle and wine glass, maybe a cricket bat and running shoes.
i immediately dismissed ‘Well fuck you too’ but came up with nothing else 🙁
Anger ? What’s that? You know if you let it show you are letting the mask slip and that’s a no no just think what Machiavelli would do ? How would he answer your question? Well my guess is just like the his story The Prince we all orchestrate our public image both to our nearest and dearest and to strangers alike.When someone or something gets you down by their actions or words you quite simply must be objective not subjective and work out the best possible outcome for you- call it manipulation of you like.Just remember you the leader must always come out on top win-win and retain the upper hand, just think about what you have to say/do to achieve that outcome – that is the solution On the other hand if you’re going to howl like an banshee and cry about the bad shit that’s been done to you that’s just lame – weak and who want’s to be that!
Esther i love this post so much…..tricky day…moral high ground taken and i have had two glasses of red wine and half a box of maltessers and a herbal bedtime tea to equal it all out but your post has made me feel that shit happens to all of us…so thank you 🙏
Writing it down makes sense. Not something I have tried before but it certainly works if I have something on my mind that is stopping me from sleeping.
The only thing that works for me and brings peace and a return to sanity is the hope that there is such a thing as karma. It’s so hard to get over the total injustice of someone being a compete c u next Tuesday and getting away with it and even thriving. I just have to believe that one day, maybe not tomorrow, or next week or even next year, but one day what they did will come back to bite them and haunt them. It might be someone else that puts them in their place and serves this justice. I don’t care just as long as it happens. I have to have faith in the universe that it will happen and try to move on.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. And by someone else if needs be.
All of the above is great advice I’d follow. I’d also buy a ticket to see Foxy from that SAS television series launch his new book; his searing hotness will lift your spirits, and he’ll have sage words on dealing with enemies. xx
https://www.waterstones.com/events/meet-jason-fox-at-waterstones-leadenhall-market/london-leadenhall-market
This: https://www.ruindays.com/ (I’ve never done it but LONGING for the opportunity…)