A letter from a reader:
“Hello Esther,
I have been a long-time reader of Recipe Rifle and now the Spike and I was wondering if the lovely Spike community would be able to give me some advice?
My husband of 21 years has just told me he is going to move out and I just don’t know how to begin to deal with this and face a scary new future on my own (at the age of 52). Up until this year there was no question we wouldn’t grow old together. Our son is in his final year of school and about to go into an assessment period so we think we might wait a few weeks before telling him.
I don’t know. Is this wise? I don’t want my husband to go but he’s clearly made up his mind so are we better just getting on with it?
And then what do I do?? I have some wonderful friends supporting me but they can only do so much, can’t they? Most of it is up to me I think.
Thank you.”
Do I need to say more?
Spikers: help.
My parents are splitting up after 35 years together. My mum is 62 & also at a loss. Swap phone numbers?
This happened to my mum 2 years ago. My dad walked away after 40 years of marriage. My mum was 68 and devastated, all her security gone.
I can’t offer advice on this only support. I’m more or less the same age and can’t image how daunting starting a life change so huge as this one will be with all the other shit that the menopause throws at you. Especially as this clearly isn’t one that you have chosen. I hope the lovely spikers can help light the way. Big love. You will find a path that is right for you xx.
I’m so sorry. This has obviously happened very suddenly and it isn’t to be expected that you know what to do. For the immediate question, I would say that your husband has clearly had ample time to process this where you have not. If it isn’t terrible for you, I think giving yourself a few weeks to process and plan before making decisive moves is no bad thing, and will leave you in a stronger position when sharing with your son. Would it be possible to attend some sort of therapy with your husband (not necessarily with the aim of reconciliation if that’s not on the table) but to enable you to talk through what has happened in a structured, controlled way and let yourself process properly? Obviously we are without exact knowledge of your situation but it feels like 21 years of marriage has earned this.
A similar thing happened to me. My advice is rather old fashioned but it got me through. Behave with dignity. Don’t bad mouth him to your child, don’t be nasty about access/money – publically. And get yourself a very good lawyer, even if he tries to persuade you that you can manage without, politely decline. If you can be proud of they way you handle yourself through this devastating time, it will help you rebuild your self esteem.
It took a long time but I am happier now than I have ever been. I have a fantastic relationship with my children. I always wanted to mitigate the damage to them and I think I succeeded.
Happy to chat further. Very best wishes. xxx
Oh goodness, what a shock! Has he told you why? Do you believe the marriage is worth saving and could counselling help? As if so then it’s worth fighting for!
If there is no hope then understand that you will be ok and so will your son. Kids are more resilient and able to cope with change than us adults!
I’m recently separated from my husband although our situation is slightly different as the decision was pretty mutual. We have a 9 and 7 year old and whilst we’re only 6 months in, they seem to be coping with the huge change pretty well.
Everyone’s situation is different so there is no one size fits all advice, you will need to take each day as it comes, but you will discover reserves of strength you didn’t know you had!
Please take advice about your financial situation and don’t be afraid to ask for what you and your son deserve.
I’m sure you’ll get some brilliant responses but I juts want to send you love and luck!
Just not just!! Aaargh
Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear your sad news. As someone who has been close to someone in this situation, my advice would firstly be to recognise your grief at the ending of the relationship. Go to counselling. Take whatever help and support (including emotional, legal and financial) you need to transition you to a “new normal”. And ultimately know that, as with the case of bereavement, time will help (if not heal). You will come through this.
Secondly, while recognising the inevitable sadness of the breakup of your marriage, try to also visualise some positivity around your new situation and enter into this new phase with hope and positivity. For example, it may confer on you some freedom you didn’t have before. Try to design your new life in a way that allows you to move on. Take up new interests if you have time. If you like travelling and have the money to travel, do so. Your mindset will be key.
From your son’s perspective, nothing will help him as much through this as knowing that, having properly addressed the grief that goes with the ending of a marriage, you are a positive and balanced force in his world. You may have good reason to be bitter about the ending of your marriage, especially since it appears to have ended relatively suddenly but if you allow yourself to be embittered, you are giving your husband the ultimate win.
I am sending you my very best wishes.
Just a PS from the reader in question. I have shifted into towards anger mode today and do not like the way ‘I don’t want my husband to go’ sounds. I am not actually a doormat. What I mean is, I am sad that the happy marriage we once had is over but I’m not sure I want to be with the person he has turned into. My priority right now is my son’s wellbeing. And mine.
Personally, I didn’t take “I don’t want my husband to go” as any sign of being a doormat. “I don’t want my husband to go” has the same meaning in the moment as “I am not ready for this change.” He’s had time to think about it, you haven’t. Whichever way you cut it, it’s a horrible shock.
My mother was the same age when my parents split up. Slightly different situation as my sah sagged everything that moved, and my mother eventually had enough. We were 22. All I can really say is that life can only get better. My mother got a job and a rewarding career for the last 14 years of her working life, now has a lovely house of her own, and recently found a new partner at the age of 70. My father died last year, penniless, broken and alone. Losing her was the worst mistake he ever made,and I am endlessly sad for him despite his flaws.
I would hold off telling your son if you can , he will know already that all is not well. Don’t wait too long but if he has exams then just wait for that to be over. When my parents told me, I had known for a decade that it wasn’t working for them, and yet it was still awful, just the logistics of selling the house and giving the dog away . I went on a crazy bender at university for about a year, but I came to terms with it when I saw how much happier my mother was.
How horrible. I’m so sorry for you.
Not sure how much it helps, but my mum did an MA when she turned 50. Not a cheap option, but gave her life a new focus, opened her up to a whole new group of people and generally invigorated her. So something like that might be a good idea. Keeping busy and having distractions is usually a good thing, I find.
Otherwise, get the best & most expensive lawyer you can and don’t let your husband fob you off. He might be a lovely man but money can bring you bad sides in people and you need some security.
I know this might be terrifying right now but realistically you’ve got a whole life left to live and you will end up filling it with other brilliant things. The idea of another relationship or career or might seem too much right now but one day it will feel incredibly exciting.
Also even if you’re resigned to splitting maybe ask about having some joint counselling over how you communicate.
Oh and if you can: buy youreself a really nice bottle of wine / gin / cake / new shoes / manicure. Sounds stupid but sometimes an act of kindness towards yourself helps.
I am so sorry to hear this. It must be very hard to process when something like this happens so abruptly. As said by others above, I cannot offer advice, but do offer my “virtual” support and send you love and best wishes from afar. As always, I feel sure there will be some very useful advice forthcoming from fellow Spikers xxxxx
Poor you! I used to be a divorce solicitor so could give you endless advice but Im currently not practising so probably best not to. I agree with all the comments above. You need to get yourself a good divorce solicitor Im not sure where you live but ask around. One of your friends or a friend of a friend will know someone. Go immediately and take a friend if you feel vulnerable and find out where you stand financially this is so important and please get a recommendation not all solicitors are good. Second get yourself a counsellor if funds permit. If not and you feel desperate The Samaritans can be great. Personally I wouldn’t tell your son until his exams are over but thats easy for me to say. I totally agree with Hilary above behave with dignity if you can muster it and try really hard not to slag off husband to son. Ive seen this done and its awful for the kids. Use friends to vent. Good luck happy to help in any way I can! Things will get better but it will take a while. I have lots of friends who have been through similar and they’ve all come out the other end happier and stronger. Lots of good wishes xxx
Firstly I am so sorry at what you are going through. Being practical you will have two issues to deal with – the financial and the emotional aspects of separation and divorce. Do get professional advice on the former -lots of family law solicitors offer an initial consultation so you can understand how the legal grounds for divorce and financial side of things apply to your specific situation. Also there are lots of new ways to divorce – mediation, collaborative practise etc. Designed to make the process less acrimonious and expensive.
On the emotional front do look after yourself – find a friend and counsellor you can offload to; find a way to switch off (exercise, reading, puzzles – anything really) – good food, exercise and sleep are important allies.
With your son you should both sit down and explain the situation – reassure him it has nothing to do with him and that you will love and care for him the same. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and try to keep to the same routines. Birds Nest Parenting is becoming popular where the children stay in the family home and the parents come and go – less disruptive for the children and you only need a small flat for you and your ex – having said that it relies on good relations between the two of you.
Finally maybe consider a Divorce and Separation Retreat – a weekend in a hotel with legal, financial and emotional advisors on tap to help get you through.
Hope some of this helps and much love to you – you will get through this and rebuild a new life.
Xx
My husband left me out of the blue after 9 years, to go and live with some other woman. Deciding to let him go without fighting for him (despite all the crap my friends told me at the time) was the best decision I’ve ever made. I was younger than you, I had a toddler and was pregnant, and it was FAR LESS WORK to be living alone with them than with a man who didn’t want me, our children or our life together. That was in 2010. I have married a lovely, perfect, ideal man since then, and I am grateful daily to my first husband for being such a colossal twat because I would have blindly stayed with him forever otherwise.
I grieved it for four years, but I didn’t let it end me – I went to uni, got a first class degree, and now (almost) have a masters and am starting a small business of my own next year. I could not have done those while with first husband.
Now, go and get some legal advice because you need it. Not to file for divorce, but to find out your rights, your responsibilities (e.g. I didn’t know my husband still had to pay the mortgage after he’d moved out since I had no income), and the law itself. I know far too many men who try and blackmail or scare their wives into taking bad settlements – arm yourself against this now. I ended up giving my first husband our marital home because it was in negative equity, and I wish I hadn’t done that now.
Let your friends comfort you. Let them look after you. Let them help – there is a lot of practical things that you might need help with when he does actually leave, like redecorating, as well as needing a vat of wine and a cry and a reminder to eat.
Your son will know something is wrong, but I agree with the others – let him get his exams done. Once he knows, let his school know. Some schools can offer in-house counselling. He may not WANT that, as a teenage boy, but he also might appreciate having somewhere to talk. Also let his friends’ parents know, if you’re close to them, so you have a network of people keeping an eye out.
Good luck, OP. You will survive this, and you will come out of it changed, but stronger.
I am so sorry you’re facing this and it has come as a surprise. I’m watching my own parents go through this right now, so have a few tips I can offer…
1. Document everything. Try to get major decisions or agreements in an email or text between you and your husband. There is nothing lost in protecting yourself, even if the will to be fair to one another is there in principle. Someone else has already suggested and a lawyer and, yes, that is necessary even for the most convivial and cooperative separation/divorce. I can’t say this enough, document everything and make sure you have copies of any important documents that you’re both a part of (titles for cars, houses etc).
2. Not telling your son right now is a double edged sword so be prepared for him to be very cross he was left out of the loop until you felt he was capable of handling the news. I completely get it and I’d make the same call, but know he has a right to anger when you do tell him beyond being angry at the larger situation.
3. Consider Christmas from a different angle: it may not be possible to spend it together, as in the past. In fact, it may send confusing signals or be detrimental to do so. Our family, for instance, is splitting Christmas – mother on one day, father on another and we are coordinating the details only with the parent in question. If you do the emotional labour in your house (ie sorting out the holidays, gifts, food etc), this can be a painful challenge to remove yourself, but both you and your husband have to establish your own relationships with your son independently of each other and unfortunately it’ll start quickly with Christmas upon us.
4. How you treat each other through this will have a direct impact on how your son feels about you. Know that however close you are with him and however grown up he is, he cannot be your therapist/confidant/recipient of rants. It isn’t fair to him and it puts him in a position that is beyond his role as a son. Set up your own support network and enlist professional help for dealing with your feelings.
5. When it comes to division of assets, obviously we don’t know your specifics but there’s no prize for doing without or becoming the martyr. Seek a fair and equitable division of assets and if you want that ceramic dog sculpture on the mantle that was a gift to you both, get that in the agreement. I’m watching my mother capitulate on so many fronts so that they can avoid conflict and it is leaving her upset when it could have been resolved by requesting them through her lawyer more firmly.
6. For your own sanity, begin the process of living alone even while he’s still there. Don’t do his laundry, don’t cook him meals, don’t tidy up after him or as him to pick up something on the way home from work or while he’s at the shops. Undoing 20+ years of habit is hard but the faster you extract yourself from those little things, the easier it will feel (admittedly not right away).
7. Lastly, though I don’t get the impression this is necessary, but again with my own parents I saw this become an immediate concern, so if it feels relelvant, pack a go bag. Have the things required for a 48 hour period out of your house packed and ready to go. Spare keys for the house and any vehicles stashed away and two friends made aware of the situation in case you need to go to them in an emergency. Choose ones he may not be able to find easily if it’s a valid concern. Again, hoping this isn’t necessary, but worth mentioning just in case.
If you have a minute you may want to look up grey divorce – you don’t quite fit the demographics but it may help with your son as he’s not a child, not quite on his own and the support for grown children watching their parents’ marriage come to an end is minimal at best. He’s going to be full of emotions and because he’s not a child his friends and others around him may not understand that what he’s about to go through is often more challenging than if he’d been through this ten years ago. Anyway, happy to offer more support, if I can and if you’re in London and just want a chat, I’m on mat leave at the moment so lots of time for coffee and a walk if you need to vent to someone outside of your group.
Thank you Katie for this amazingly detailed and thoughtful response. You’re right about Christmas – it is looming very large. It’s tough as I am usually such a Christmas person. I live in Australia otherwise I would definitely take you (and other lovely Spikers) up on the offer to chat over coffee. xx
You need to consult a solicitor for initial advice and to understand your position. You also need someone professional on your side. Your husband may already have been to see one as he has been planning this for a while, so you need to catch up. Don’t put it off.
Find one at the Law Society: https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/for-the-public/common-legal-issues/getting-a-divorce/
I had a very similar experience a few years ago. I let him go, as he obviously didn’t want to stay, but within a few weeks he wanted to come back, by that time I had had the time and space to think about both our relationship and how it might be in the future. I decided that I would prefer to be on my own and so didn’t let him move back into the house. We maintain a decent relationship but it has been hard. This was after over 30 years together and whilst I felt I had lost a part of myself I also realised I could be happier on my own.
There is nothing much I can say that will help, you need to give yourself the time to grieve the passing of such a long and loving relationship and also try to visualise a life that is far different than the one you thought you would have. Nevertheless whist it might be a different life, it does not needs to be one without great joy and happiness.
I know you can get through this with dignity for yourself and your sons sake.
Joanne
Joanne I admit I let out a dirty cackle reading this. HA! take that you knobber
Reminded me of ‘Beautiful South’ ‘The freedom that you wanted back, is yours for good, i hope you’re glad… Sad in to un-sad..’
Hello and how brave of you to reach out to us for some advice. You will be fine, you are already stronger than you think. I am sorry that you are having to face this situation, but I am especially saddened to hear that it coincides with an important year academically for your son. Even if you decide to delay telling him (he will most likely already know), please open those lines of communication with his teachers and ask for them to be mindful of your domestic situation as he prepares for exams. Such poor timing on your husband’s part. Very best of luck x x
My father did something very similar to my mother. It was very difficult at first, for all of us but especially for my mother. 15 years on life is different from what she had hoped it would be but that’s not all bad. Grandchildren help give her life a focus, but even before they were born she was happy. I hope it works out for you too.
P.S. I echo what some of the others said re: legal advice. It made a big difference for my mother.
I feel so much for you and the awful trauma you must be going through. You have every right to be angry. He has been planning a life without you and all the time you have been unaware. I have to say that if it was me I would want to know where he was going and who with? I would want to be absolutely certain that there was no one else involved even if that meant checking his phone, emails, bank account. You must protect yourself and you can only do this if you have 100% of the facts. I just don’t think that people walk away from marriages without really good reasons. In my experience I have never known a marriage break down without other people involved. Protect yourself and your son first. If there really is no one else involved counselling might help but you need to get to the bottom of his decision before you can come to terms with it. Good luck. You are worth more and you will survive this.
Hi – I’ll answer separately on the divorce – I’m in the middle of all of this at the moment too in my late 40s and it’s awful – but on this point – I was at the other end of being “checked on” – he downloaded years of WhatsApp’s and followed me. I went to a lawyer. Honestly it’s completely illegal (all the data laws in the UK for things like FB also catch stuff like this) and inadmissible so you blow any chances of using it. It won’t do you any favours. If you always had access to financial docs and they’re in joint names then okay – but there was a recent case in spain where a bloke went to prison for 2 years for hacking his wife’s WhatsApps. And all you end up doing – like my husband – is learning them off by heart and reciting them back and that doesn’t help anything 🙁 xxx
omg you can hack deleted Whatsapps?
So – basically there’s a QR code in WhatsApp settings which allows you to also use the app on your laptop. He got the code and downloaded my WhatsApp app onto his desktop
Then he could see all my WhatsApps which were still on my phone – I delete every so often but am lazy and there were ones going back 2 and a half years. If you delete regularly you’re fine since I think (iCloud?) only keeps old ones for 7 days? Not sure
Anyway, and every time you type a new message he can see it being written IRL 😮
You can check if anyone has done it by looking at your settings on WhatsApp and it will show if anything external is logged on – urghh don’t know where to begin really…..it’s a massive flaw in the app x
SHIT A BRICK!
So sorry to hear this. News like this is like a bereavement – worse, in some ways, as it can lead to your questioning all you thought was good and true about your life and marriage. Lots of sound advice on this page. Be kind to yourself, finding a balance between distraction and time to think about things. Don’t be tempted to think of the marriage (or yourself) as a failure – everything that was good about your marriage is still good, and you should hold on to that. Talking helps wonderfully to get a sense of perspective, and articulating your feelings to a sympathetic friend or friends always helps make them more manageable. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk to someone who isn’t your closest friend? Someone with a little detachment, but tons of empathy. Nurse yourself through this, as you would your own best friend. Accept there will be good and bad days, and look after yourself accordingly. Get a good and sympathetic lawyer you like and trust. Look after your son. And know that time helps – you’ll come out of this stronger and happier. Believe me – you will. Much love and warm hugs.
Full disclosure that I am actually a family lawyer but just wanted to offer some suggestions from that perspective, if that’s helpful? You will probably need some advice on the legal and financial situation at some stage, there’s lots of information out there but family law is all about individual situations so there is not one answer and it is better to get realistic advice from the horse’s mouth (so to speak).
Getting the advice early, even if you then don’t do anything it with it for a while, can be reassuring and can allow you to put to one side some of the things that are worrying you, so that you can get on with dealing with the emotional side. Choose a lawyer you can work with and who will share (and listen to) the same objectives as you. I always ask people how they want to feel that they handled the situation when they look back in five years’ time. Also, unless there is an urgent legal reason to proceed, take your time and don’t be bounced into a process that you may not yet be ready for. Hope that helps…
So sorry, Rachel. I have only one vaguely useful thing to say, to expand on what Dex said: your mortgage. You need to tell your bank what is happening and check how the mortgage will pan out in various situations. They can help if they know the situation, but sooner is much better than later. You don’t want huge mortgage arrears because you had assumed it was being paid, and the bank will only know there’s a problem if you tell them. Please be aware that you can’t ‘remove’ one of you from the mortgage if it’s joint; it will have to be ended and a new mortgage taken out in one name, and the lending rules have changed dramatically and, to be blunt, there is a high risk that you will not be eligible for a new one for that house. My husband runs a mortgage complaints team for a large bank and he sees this problem over and over again. My huge apologies for telling you this which will prob freak you out, but you definitely cannot ignore this. All the best xxx
Hello
I’m also so sorry to hear your news, and am going through it now too, along with a few friends as well. We all wish we had some sort of guide to have helped us – a book or good blog, since we’ve all had to work it out ourselves. I have a law degree (from so many years ago it’s doesn’t count :)) and have an amazing lawyer – choose one from Resolution – but there are a gazillion little and big things we just didn’t know about and affected us all in slightly different ways depending mostly on type of husband – v v important. It’s stuff a good lawyer (and counsellor) will help lead you through, eg in general the finances should be straightforward (but often aren’t and that depends on H) but there are some things you only get over a glass of wine and good chat with a friend going through it too. It could be okay for you, or it could be a controlled explosion which no one but you two see. And divorce goes through those bereavement steps only a bit different – which again no one thinks to bring up.
I also think it suits men. It’s a very definite process isn’t it, with dates and checklists and law and clinical. It has no emotional intelligence whatsoever. (With apologies to all those lovely blokes with lots of EI 🙂)
I would rather have known lots of this at the start really. Anyway there is truly a book out there for this if someone (Esther?!!) fancied doing it. There would be some funny bits in there too. On the day it was really real – maybe the petition in, I forget, my husband opened up all the Aesop hand washes I’d been given as presents for the last 2 years and was saving up (love them but they are Not Cheap) and put them out in every bathroom, sink, dog water bowl we had. Maybe 6 of them, £180 quids worth. I left them there, small price…
Do really feel for you and I guess overall I agree with a couple of the comments above – keeping your cool and dignity does carry you through, four months in and it does work – with a few melt downs so don’t worry about that X
Nora Ephron’s Heartburn is a pretty good divorce book if you’re in the market for that sort of thing.x
You’ve had some great advice here and I will just say give yourself time to grieve and be pissed off, and work out your position (and don’t let him dictate the timetable) then set about thinking what’s in it for you, what have you been missing, or held back from? However happy a marriage, everyone makes different choices and compromises because of it along the way. If it helps, every woman I’ve known who has had to reinvent or reimagine their lives at a later stage, for whatever reason, has aced it. You’ve had a long marriage, but don’t let that prevent you from recognising how young you still are, and how many opportunities are available to you. I would wait until your son has finished his exams if you can as it will be a big distraction for him and he will need to time to come to terms with it as well. I wish you all the best, and, it is awful, but you will come through it xxx
Always remember you are BRAVER than you believe, STRONGER than you seem, and SMARTER than you think.
Repeat this over and over and feel the words inside you
I am probably catastrophising now but my friend who has had very acrimonious divorce recently got all her devices checked by a lady in Putney to make sure she wasn’t being spied on by her evil ex. I believe the lady in Putney set up this business a a result of being spied on.
My husband died three years ago (when I was 38) and, although I appreciate the circumstances are different, they’re similar in that I was also left unexpectedly facing a future on my own. The best advice I was given at the time, and would like to pass on, is get a puppy. On even the darkest of days, it’s difficult to feel really shit when there’s a little bundle of love licking your face and bringing you gifts of soggy tennis balls and half chewed slippers. My little doggy also gives great cuddles, is very hairy, nods off on the sofa while watching TV and farts in bed – so is actually a pretty good husband replacement. Joking aside, your future being taken away from you is undeniably hard to deal with but what I’ve learnt over the past three years is that life goes on regardless so, with the help of family and friends, dig deep and you’ll be surprised to find that the sun will start shining again, probably sooner than you think.
I’m dreadfully sorry to read this, and the other readers have been incredibly helpful. One thing I will say is get copies of all paperwork RIGHT NOW. Everything. Do it whilst he’s at work and don’t keep it at home, give it to a trusted friend to look after. Change all of your passwords on everything, and the pin code on your phone. Turn off access to “follow my friends” if you have that app. If you’ve got shared bank accounts, get printouts of all of your latest statements and transactions, give those to a trusted friend also. I know this sounds terribly hard and bitchy, but trust me, the most reasonable blokes can turn on a pin when they’re asked for these things, and it’s better to have all of the information and never use it, than not be able to have access to it. He’s made his decision and you need to keep yourself covered. You will get through this, but it’s a seriously awful time. I speak from experience, being left with nothing, that’s why I’m not using my real name.
Firstly I applaud you for reaching out – you are not going to go through this alone and secondly I send you sympathy, empathy and understanding. It happened to me 4 years’ ago in my late fifties with 3 children, 2 weeks before Christmas with no warning.
You will find your own path through. There is excellent advice on previous posts this morning and I reiterate the importance of taking care of the practical and the emotional & remaining dignified: get the best advice you can afford, lean on your friends and take all the help you can get. I took amazing friends to both legal and financial meetings, both to keep me from going off at a tangent (my feelings!) and to be an uninvolved brain who could retain what was being said.
We delayed telling our children due to one struggling to settle in at a new school, another in the middle of public exams and the other being unwell. It was the worst timing.
I could bang on for ages about what I feel I did wrong and what was right. A couple of tips though, as well as having counselling – a weekly 50 minutes of me ranting and leaving with a handy little mantra to see me through the next 7 days – I made sure communication between us was documented in text or email and spent many car journeys (alone) yelling at an empty passenger seat.
You will find your own way through, your son will understand why you delayed telling him, if that’s what you decide to do. It’s very hard but worth encouraging him to have a good relationship with his father and allow him to reach his own conclusions. It’s a very confusing situation for a child of any age to come to terms with, but he will and will be stronger for it. As will you. There’s no lonelier place than being in a marriage that’s not working.
I wish you all the very best. And please remember that the Samaritans are there for you should you ever feel there’s no one to whom you can turn at any time of the day or night.
What sound, kind advice from everyone. Esther, you should be very proud of the lovely community you have built here.
My husband and I separated 12 years ago, after 16 happy years, and 1 horrible one. I didn’t love him by that point, but was terrified of standing on my own two feet. Shortly thereafter, I finally sought a diagnosis and treatment of my life-long ADHD, and returned to university. I’m currently working (slowly!) on a Masters Degree. He is married to the woman he was involved with when we split up, (which Inwas fine with, long story!) and living the same life as always. He’s a perfectly nice man, but he hasn’t grown, changed, or learned a thing about himself. I’ve been alone all this time, and I wouldn’t change places with him for anything.
Rachel, you will write your own story, and one day you might look back on this as the best thing that ever happened to you. Courage my friend! Everything will be okay. xx
Firstly I want to say I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Life has a shitty way of throwing curveballs, and this is definitely one of them. Some great suggestions here. Divorce is very popular in my family so this is one of the few topics that The Spike has covered where I feel I have something to offer…
Firstly, lawyer up. A good lawyer is like a good counsellor. You may have to shop around but when you find the right one they are worth it. They will fight for you when you don’t feel emotionally up to it and just want to walk away. A counsellor is a must – friends are great to vent to but a counsellor will provide you with coping mechanisms and strategies to get through this, and be able to give objective advice. Depending on your financial situation, also an accountant? If he’s already checked out I would bet he’s got his ducks in a row on the financial front and it’s so important you do to, both for your sake, and your son’s.
As hard as it may be, please be civil about his father to your son. No matter what he did, or how he behaves. Your son will draw his own conclusions about what has happened. I strongly believe that children (and I know he is a young man) can cope with divorce, it’s the acrimony that does the damage.
I really don’t want to sound Pollyanna about this but in time you can, and will start to build your own life, on your terms. As mothers, and partners when we are in the thick of it it is easy to lose track of how much we compromise (sometimes willingly, sometimes not) on what we want, our goals and dreams. Once the dust has settled, start to think about what you want for your life as an independent woman.
Sending you a big hug from an internet stranger X
I’ve found out today that my partner if 14 years has been seeing somebody else. And not just a fling either, he has told her that he loves her, wants to marry her and have babies. We have an 8 year old and I am beyond devestated. He doesn’t know yet that I know, and I feel he will put the blame on me. I don’t have any advice to offer but just wanted to say you are not alone. I feel right now that the situation is hopeless, but we need to pick ourselves up and carry on, because what other choice do we have. There’s got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, we will both get there. You’re not alone. I am considering reaching out to friends as I haven’t spoken to anybody else about it yet, maybe that could help you too?
Hayley, I feel for you so much. This is just awful. Definitely reach out to friends. I made the decision to do that and everybody I tell immediately takes a step forward, ready to help in any way they can. As everyone has been saying here, you should also arm yourself with a lawyer. I have just been given a recommendation by a friend and I feel stronger already. Sending a supportive hug from Australia. xx
Sorry, probably should have said: I used to be a family law barrister – saw many years of family disputes (both public and private law) with all the wide-ranging fall-out etc. Should you get to the point of requiring the services of a barrister (I would hope that wouldn’t be necessary – matters ought to be able to be sorted out via your solicitor), I can recommend any number of seriously sh*t hot practitioners to assist. Happy to chat/email further if necessary. Wishing you all the best for the months to come.
Oh my goodness, I am overwhelmed. You are all so lovely. Normally I am a very private person and like to keep my problems to myself but I haven’t really known what to do or how to be in the last few days. It’s almost funny that the solution was to plaster my private nightmare all over the internet and reach out to the Spikers! I am so sorry for all of you who have been through this yourselves, or are close to someone who has, but it’s reassuring to hear there is the potential for a good (better?) life ahead. There’s something so strong about the sisterhood isn’t there? The fierce support of my friends and family and now the Spikers is showing me that. Thank you so much. I’d already decided on the dignity thing and ensuring my son knows he couldn’t be more loved, but legal advice seems to be the next (very scary) step. So weird. This time last week I had no idea this was coming. Thank you Esther for starting this conversation and all of you for taking the time to write. xx
Firstly well done for writing to Esther and well done Esther for letting this reader feel and know she can write to you.
I was fifty this summer. 16 years in a vile, emotionally corrosive relationship, toxic. One of your readers wrote beautifully about dealing with things with grace and elegance, I sadly didn’t.
I don’t know if I can advise, he’s made up his mind but after the original not terribly edifying bit I am happy, whole, free, do exactly as I choose and my children see mummy happy, thriving and enjoying a really full life.
Not that it’s something I care about or am looking for but there has been an inundation of suitors and they are all terribly sweet.
I think when going through darkness we can forget how good people are. Take your time. I’ll message Esther my email / number should you wish to talk. Loads of love xxx
You sound like you are a very reasonable and pragmatic lady seeking to make the best of a horrible situation. My empathies are with you. As someone who’s been through divorce with kids involved, my advice would be, if it’s possible, do NOT get lawyers involved (unless everything else fails).
It’s never easy but if you can communicate directly with each other now when things are at their worst, you will have less misunderstandings than if a lawyer starts sending letters back and forth and you will set a pattern for the future and both end up being role models for your son. Your life will eventually move on to better times without your ex but one is always bound in some small way with the father of one’s children and so keeping communication channels open is essentia for your son’s sakel. I know that this will depend on your ex being a reasonable individual too but hopefully since he is causing this he will see fit to act in the best way possible for your son and be guided by your dignified behaviour.
I hope it all works out for you and your son.
I am so sorry for you it’s such a terrible thing to go through.
As many people have said above seeking the best legal and financial advice is the number one thing to do.
I have experienced my parents divorce and the repercussions of my husbands with his first wife. The whole money thing can be such a volatile emotional subject and if you can sort it out fairly and civilly it will save so much unnecessary pain. I would highly recommend using some form of Mediation services for this.
Counselling would be the next one money permitting. I don’t know how things work in Australia but in the U.K many large companies have employee assistance programmes (or even private medical insurance, sadly access on the NHS can be very limited depending on where you live) which will provide up to four sessions of free counselling either over the phone or in person. I used to spend a great deal of time encouraging people desperately in need to take up this free services so please speak to your HR department.
A neutral person to talk to is so importantly a lot of advice from friends and family comes coloured by their own personal experiences and what was right for them may not be what you need.
I feel very strongly that anyone going through a separation or divorce with children should understand the basic principles of parental alienation. There are really basic things which even “good” parents do without realising and it is not just about speaking negatively about your ex. The podcast below lays it all out and I wish to god my parents had listened to something like this. I would also encourage you to get counselling for your son he may not feel that he needs it but again having that neutral person to talk to is very important.
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/getting-curious-with-jonathan-van-ness/id1068563276?mt=2&i=1000420953813
Most of all I just want to say asking for help is always the hardest step it’s so brave to open yourself up. I hope that it’s helped a little bit. Xxx
Thank you Jess. This all makes perfect sense and I am on it. x