Dear Husband…

I’ll spare you a lecture about why do you always leave shopping for the most important woman in your life quite so late and just cut straight to it. 

Your wife is obsessed by three things:

1 Sleep

2 Her skin

3 Jewellery and handbags

I use the word “obsessed” loosely – she is of course concerned with other matters, but in the context of Christmas shopping, that’s where we’re at.

If you get her a food processor, a carving knife or a Dyson handheld, she will kill you with the knife, process you in the processor and clear up the mess with the Dyson. 

SLEEP

Do not buy her sexy nightwear. I’m sure you wouldn’t but if you had half a mind to, don’t. 

Get these from Eberjay

These from Desmond and Dempsey

Or if you’re sure she likes a nightdress, Three Graces is the ultimate in night-dresses, and this one is on sale, which is a good thing because Three Graces is genuinely unaffordable. 

This is a ridiculously classy gift – a silk pillowcase. I’ve got one and I am almost hysterically attached to it. If you want to be a real mensch, get her two so there is one on the bed and one in the wash. Yes they are washable in a delicates bag at 30C.

IN ADDITION to the silk pillowcase and/or the nightwear, get this, which is a pillow spray that aides deep and restful sleep. Do not get her the pillow spray on its own. 

HER SKIN

Your wife will have a range of lotions and potions and professional-looking terrifying shite in the bathroom that you can’t even begin to imagine what she does with it. Delving into that most feminine sphere is scary, I understand. 

But I have two words for you that are utterly failsafe and no woman could ever be angry about: CHARLOTTE TILBURY. 

Get her any or all of the skincare, by that I mean the Magic Cream, the Night Cream, the primer, the clay mask, and some of these sheet masks. 

If you were very cool, you would also buy her a new washbag and put them all in. Like this one.

JEWELLERY

There are four main jewellery trends to bear in mind if you are buying from one of these websites, or having a massive fucking panic around a department store on the 22nd.

(Be warned, when I worked at Tiffany I would identify men like you instantly and try very hard to sell you something hideous.)

Anyway – trends:

1 Necklace layering (i.e. wearing lots of different-length necklaces at the same time) isn’t going anywhere yet so a pretty necklace with a pendant is great, especially if it is a non-standard length – i.e. slightly longer than usual or choker-ish length

2 Very fine, slim rings – like barely there.

3 Multiple piercings and “huggies” (tiny hoops that “hug” the ear). Earcuffs 

4 Super chunky butch lesbian chains and T-Bars

I adore Carrie Elizabeth even though she never gives me anything, that’s how great I think it is. Last orders for Christmas delivery is 20th Dec. This is GORGEOUS. Don’t fret too much about size because the idea at the moment is that you wear a ring literally on every finger. 

This is a new designer I have found called Kirstie Le Maque, who I love and does some very original stuff that not every other hairdo at the schoolgate will have. Make sure you double check delivery times though. This necklace below is a fine example of her work.

Tilly Sveaas is an old friend of The Spike and her jewellery is hugely popular. This is a good example of butch lesbian chic.

Maria Tash is the last word in huggie earrings, mostly because she is so flipping expensive. 

HANDBAGS

Get any of these and your wife will be beside herself. She might go and change it for something else, but she’ll still be beside herself. 

Mansur Gavriel

Manu Atelier

APC

See by Chloe. So pretty I  might be sick. 

I hope this has all given you some ideas. I would write more but you would only glaze over in that way you do when the Missus starts talking about anything that doesn’t relate to you directly – and also you really haven’t got that much time so I can’t sit about twitting you all day, much as I’d like to. 

Also, obviously: keep the bloody receipt.