What is it about hair that so necessitates a pun? And I fucking hate puns, I think they are the absolute lowest form of everything, the vocabulary equivalent of own-brand Cola or that £9 dress from BooHoo I was slagging off the other day. And yet, when I thought about writing this post on hair, I immediately reached for a pun.
Anyway, who cares, I digress. I saw my friend Annie the other day for a much-needed debrief about how terrible our lives were, which they are entirely not, but we are both complicated and not a little crazy and slalom on a downwards mental trajectory quite easily. We need the sort of support only a fellow sufferer can give.
We started talking about hair. A lot of people think I do something in particular to make my hair grow the way it does but I don’t. It is just very thick and shiny and vibrant even though I treat it like utter crap. My hair is like one of those women who cannot stay away from “bad boys” and the meaner I am to my hair the better it looks.
Annie said that some douchebag, probably a man, had been telling her that she overuses her hairdryer, which is causing damage (as her hair is a more sensible type – one that goes for men who always do Mirror, Signal, Maneouvre, rather than headcases who drive on the pavement and go the wrong way down one-way streets, naming no names GILES).
Then we fell to talking about how often to wash one’s hair and how often to use hairdryers and stuff and I rather thought I might start a conversation on here about it, if anyone is still awake and listening.
I have historically been a person who washes their hair every day as my hair is very greasy and I sort of cannot abide the rank hippie feeling of dirty hair not to mention that it gets itchy and I start thinking about nits.
But then one week last year, I can’t remember when, I decided to skip my morning shower, (I had a wash at the basin), pinned my wonky front-bit of hair up out of the way, stuck on yesterday’s clothes and went about my day.
And I don’t know what changed, but now I have a shower probably every other day. Or maybe even once every three days. I rely on my husband’s very sensitive nose and American standards of hygiene to tell me if I actually smell, (not yet, apparently).
The thing I have realised is that I actually find showers rather unsettling and enervating. Am I hypersensitive and mad to think this? I now rather think they might cause inflammation and an unsettling of the humours. Is that crazy? Tell me honestly. (Don’t.)
(I have also just finished reading this really fun book called How To Be Tudor, where this wonderful woman actually lives like an actual Tudor for a year and then writes about it. She explains that the Tudors didn’t really bathe in the way that we do but that, contrary to belief, they didn’t really smell (they were, after all, human and didn’t like bad smells any more than we do). Instead they just regularly changed their linen underwear, which was then laundered briskly in boiling water. The linen carried away moisture and smells and basically kept them reasonably fragrant.)
I also re-visited with Annie the subject of hair-zoning and air-drying. I have mentioned this before on here but I know you bitches don’t fucking take in a word because you’re so drunk by 4pm on white wine, or perhaps because I’m just so boring, so I’ll go through it again.
Hair-zoning is the principle of doing different things to different bits of your hair; so when it comes to blow-drying you can just dry the front bit to get it to lie flat and also maybe a quick blast to flatten down your parting a bit. It is not necessary to dry the whole of all of your hair every time you dry it, because if you have sensitive or fragile hair it might really dry it out and fuck it up.
You then can let the rest of your hair Air-Dry. That literally just means leave it to dry naturally.
BUT, there are some caveats to this.
First of all, you must not brush your hair when it is wet. Or even comb it. That will frizz and fluff your hair. Brush your hair before you shower, then when it is wet get it into a rough shape with your fingers only.
Then apply one of two products – your hair will respond best to one or the other, or maybe even both.
The first is Keratase Oleo Relax serum, this will – as the name suggests – relax any kinks or waves in your hair leaving a swishy, luxurious finish. It will turn your hair from an itchy woolly sweater to N Peal finest cashmere.
The second is literally any old mousse. Pantene! £3.99 stuff. Who cares, whatever you can get your hands on at the supermarket. This is the thing to use if you would like to encourage any sort of natural wave. Brush hair, shower, DO NOT BRUSH AGAIN, apply mousse, leave to air dry, try not to touch it.
You can of course as I sometimes do, apply the serum to your fringe in order to relax any cursed cowlicks (I then blow dry the shit out of it) and put mousse to the rest of my hair to encourage its natural wave.
God I’m exhausted now. And it’s 6.25pm and I cannot really believe I do not already have a drink in my hand.
How about you? How often do you wash your hair?