So here we are, in this new place. Although you and I are still here, in this old place. But I find that in that new place, which is also here but not specifically here, there are new patterns.
The most significant one is that where once we used to be a get-out-in-the-morning family, we are now a go-out-in-the-afternoon family. This may sound like a small thing, but to me it is not.
Historically, whenever I found myself in sole charge of my children – whether or not my husband was along for the ride – I insisted, absolutely insisted, even if it was -3C and raining frogs outside, that we went out in the morning, came back for lunch and then ideally got out in the afternoon as well. I had a mania, particularly, for going out in the morning. I was aghast at people who said “We’re still not quite together,” at 10.30am. Not together? Not together?? What are you doing? What do you do at home for all those hours? It’s almost lunchtime.
I don’t know why I was so judgmental about it – but we all have our things, don’t we?
I think I was right to insist on getting out and about very early in the day for all those years. When my children were small they needed to be shuffled about quite a lot, just keep them moving and they and you won’t go so crazy. In recent years it has been more difficult, they don’t wake up so early, thank fucking Christ I mean one more day of a 5am start and I was going to set fire to the world, and these days getting them out of the house early is more tricky. I’ve had to be like come on, come ON GUYS, we want to get there early!
No-one ever dared ask me why we needed to get “there” so early. And I never questioned myself – I just did it. I just did it because I had always done it and that was the way that it was.
But that was then and this is now and these days we stay in, “home-schooling” (snort) until 12noon then it’s lunch and telly then at 3pm we go out. And then we’re only out for 2 hours and then we’re back and suddenly it’s kids tea and time for a drink!
And I suddenly see that while my going out in the morning mania might have worked just fine for years, now we don’t have to do that anymore. We can stay in in the morning without finding Sam at 10.35 tearing from one end of the house to each other like Keith Flint out of the Prodigy or Kitty rocking backwards and forwards in a corner, as if davening, out of sheer boredom; we have projects to get on with that don’t involve screens, we can linger over breakfast. And this change of pattern is sort of amazing and I think henceforth at weekends and in the holidays this is what we will do.
I thank this whole catastrophe for this particular illumination.
Of course there are other patterns, that are not new but that we have not suffered under for a while, like the utterly monstrous amount of housework involved with four people all at home, eating three times a day – and no cleaner.
I acknowledge that I am lucky, I can choose to live in my apron and just bend under the work, silently. I am not required to do paid work as well as all this.
And I know from past experience that you push back against the constant demands of your home at your peril. Never dare to hope that when you get back that pile of stuff will not be there, that the smear of whatever on the surface will have gone, that the laundry will have been taken out of the machine – but it will not have. It will still be there, like a dead body.
And so I am folding myself under this pattern of work and I try to take pride in it and forget that I was once free, that I could call “Bye” and go out of the door and no-one knew where I was for three or four hours. Forget that. Forget all that.
In a way this house arrest reminds me powerfully of having babies and small children. It’s the same type of thing, only so much easier because there is nothing at all in this world, or even in an imaginary world, that is as difficult or draining or enervating or exhausting or confusing than having very small children. In a way I think it might be a good thing to have very small children during this period – one of the things I felt most crushed by, stuck at home with infants, was the idea that everyone else was out having a good time.
Other patterns: meal plans. I really do hope that I will use some of this time at home to continue with the elaborate and detailed weekly meal-plans plus shopping lists that I have been working on. I never bothered with meal plans Before, taking advantage of the decent row of shops at the top of my street. Going out every day to get only what you need is an efficient way of shopping – there is basically zero food waste and you never look at what’s due for dinner that night and whine “but I don’t want a tofu curry tonight”. But in terms of time, it is not efficient and I would so often remember – fuck! – just at pickup time, that there was no dinner for the kids and have to stop what I was doing and dash up the road, cursing the fact that I was not the sort of person who did weekly meal plans.
On balance, it really is better to plan out all your meals and get everything in once a week. You run the risk of food waste, but it’s not so much of a waste of time. You have one big think about it once a week and then that’s done and you can think about something else. We are more likely to eat a more varied diet, too, as when you have a good think about different dinner options or refer to a list you can recall things you haven’t had for a while, rather than panickedly reaching for the same things they’ve had week after week for the last 18 months.
How about you? Tell me about your new patterns.
Just last week I was reflecting that prior to lockdown my entire life seemed to be work, gym, making dinner, bed and repeat until weekend. The same for my husband. Oh and the weekends were spent planning, planning, planning – the next holiday, the next weekend etc etc. I had no idea how much I spent the entire time ‘striving’. Whilst I would give anything for the world not to be in the grip of a pandemic, the tiny silver lining in terms of the impact on my tiny world, is that I have probably relaxed (in so much as one can do in a pandemic…) for the first time in years. Who cares if we eat a ready-meal ? Who cares if we have three courses? Hey, look at that , I can go for a walk in the morning before work! Etc We have actually had evenings where we have just sat and listened to music and stared at Sirius glowing down on us from the sky. When This is All Over (WTIAO) as I keep saying, I hope I retain just some of that sense that it’s ok not to have every single thing scheduled in my life. I hope too that I am able to simply leave that sense of constantly striving for something far behind me.
I will say this quietly as I don’t want to be shouted at but…..im quite enjoying this lockdown…..yes it helps that I have a garden and a house big enough for us all to find a space to ourselves. But honestly the dinner every night as a family is really nice and the togetherness we have now may never come again.
I have a 17 yr old daughter and a 14 yr old son who are both so far pretty good at studying. My sons school has really pulled it out and will be doing full day lessons on Teams after Easter, which I think he’s quietly pleased about as even he gets bored with his Xbox after 12 hours (bad mum moment!). My daughter is studying A levels and is getting worried as she wants to do an apprenticeship not Uni and she’s now worrying she may not get one. I try to reassure her things will get back to some kind of normal, but we all just have to be patient.
Would LOVE to see you meal plans for inspiration!
Glorious! Agree re meals, but am at home with a five week old… taking advantage and pretending nothing is going on outside, that this is extended paternity leave for my husband…?!
So far my new patterns are not quite so wholesome. Not exercising because without the gym to physically go to I’ve realised I’m totally un-self motivated to exercise at home, even though my gym have been doing Facebook live exercises classes three times a day for the last 2 weeks. And breaking our no alcohol Monday to Thursday rule in style with a g&t (or several) pretty much every night since the middle of March! However I’m enjoying having my husband home even if he does spend most of his waking hours working and I have to keep feeding him lunch and dinner. On the plus side we are saving a fortune on his travel and eating at work costs. And I’ve just done a 45 minute HIIT class so maybe today is the turning point – mainly promoted by the slowly dawning realisation that this lockdown is highly likely to be our new normal for a few months at least and if I don’t get a grip I’ll end up three dress sizes bigger than I started! Stay safe everyone x
Loved reading that.. but I did at first think ‘oh great Patterns, I hope it’s a long loose top to wear over my pants’ or one of those dutch aprons!
My new normal is reading all my WhatsApp messages, Facebook, the Times, you and a couple of other ‘influencers’ I take it all on board so I don’t look like an old granny. (Which I am)
All the post I read will ultimately lead me to ‘WOW Film stars … what they look like now’. Then spend too long trying to find what Michelle Pheifer looks like..still don’t know, but I did find en route …
The best chocolate cake ever no eggs no butter (I’m actually making that today)
A couple of episodes of Ellen DeGenera, then some amazing eye cream for removing bags..(sent for that ! Doesn’t work)
…then a bit of reading my book, then perhaps a couple of episodes of Big Love, & of course coffee, and meals to consider….egg on toast for breakfast, never changes I hate cooking….
Watch Johnathan Yeo he’s wonderful allowing us to watch him paint..I mostly try portraits .. but painting a starry night theme this week..
I’ll maybe prepare lunch … if I can be arsed …. dinner…last nights was M&S chicken nibbles left over from Christmas with salad! then a nightly debate… ‘are we having a drink again tonight’? I’m sure it’s causing my arthritis to flare .
Message just popped up I’m using 5% less time in here only 8 hours.. so you see it’s a full time job being on here..
I do it well into the night of course.. when my children are in bed.. (they’re 34, 44 & 47). They’re funny and busy 6 grandchildren…. and they shop for us ..send pics and videos so we’re well entertained.
I’m so glad I don’t have children to entertain at this time … Luci I know is exhausted… 3 under 8, I thought I was helping send suggestions. Why don’t they plant a seeded potato on some damp kitchen roll …
her reply was ‘ Thanks mum but I’m just trying to hold my shit together here…
They all came past here for their daily walk yesterday..stood outside to wave … I almost lost it !
I’m jealous reading all of these. I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old who has just started crawling. I’m usually at home with them anyway but we are OUT as you said Esther they need to be shuffled around and I’m missing the playgroups, toddler classes, playing in the park etc. I’ve been helping the older people in our village with shopping but they’ve now started ringing to ask me to ‘pop out and get them a corner to because it’s so hot’. Not really essential is it Mrs G?! Anyway my pattern is try to get through the day, large glass of wine at 4pm and hope for normality to return without this horrid thing damaging any of us too much.
I don’t have a cleaner and feel always oppressed by housework and never quite feeling I am on top of it or in a routine, just constantly putting out fires. Sometimes with something flammable. It is worse now the kids are home all the time – they had a fully clothed water fight in the garden yesterday and tracked an entire shrubbery back in with them – but I have gained more hours of my extremely tidy husband who cajoles and prompts and picks up and says “where does this live?” on a circuit and you never need to insert more coins. Except that if he directs any of it at me that will bring us to the newly patterned pre-dinner hungry argument. We can see it coming now though and I try to munch violently on a biscuit at around 5pm instead. This hour of the day is banter-at-your-own-peril. He always used to be the one to go out and sort stuff and get stuff but now that has to be me so that’s different. I am obsessed with food now, how much we have, what I’m going to do with it, when the next lot is coming. I’ve made some different things though and take more time over it. I wasn’t a meal planner either though I always had hopes for myself. We were afternoon out-and-about-ers and we are now EVENING out and about-ers. We went for a bike ride at half past 6 the other night on empty lanes. The other thing is I am enjoying my children’s company in a way I wasn’t always able to when they were at school – I’m not stressed getting them somewhere and they’re not stressed coming back from somewhere and there’s just more time for silliness. My son shouted “Play something we all know!” at the washing machine yesterday. Instead of endless episodes of Pokemon I don’t understand or wall-to-wall sport we watched all 9 hours of Lord of the Rings and talked about whether Sam or Frodo is the real hero (he decided on Legolas as he slides down a staircase firing arrows at the same time). My daughter and I are reading The Railway Children together instead of Rainbow Fairy Nightmares and it’s all very comforting when comfort is in short supply.
I just had to Google whether Rainbow Fairy Nightmares is a real thing…
I am the person at home with very small children – 4 year old and almost 6 month old. And it’s ok, because I was already used to mostly just pottering at home with the baby. The 4 year old does need some entertaining but he’s pretty good at amusing himself too. But I am DESPERATE to be by myself for just a little while. Which can never happen unless I go out for a walk alone whilst husband isn’t working. But I don’t want to, because being out in the world makes me anxious. And so we plod on, stuffing down secret stress Crunchies and hoping I get better at staying home.
I have a 4 month old and agree that it is a bit like everyone else has come to join me in the stay at home bubble.
Luckily I have a boy who loves his daytime naps in his cot but I can’t help but worry that this state of affairs will be his normal and he will never want to leave the house or see other people x
He totally will, don’t worry about that. They are programmed to be sociable – or at least want to go out
I have a 5 month old and agree. I used to worry about staying in bed half the morning with him napping on me, while everyone else was being useful going to work or school or at least baby groups. Now more people have the same lifestyle I’m enjoying it much more.
Definitely doing the afternpon walk as ita the only thing preventing the 3 year old murdering the baby and/or me murdering the 3 year old! I love cooking anyway but have become even more obsessed with it and making sure we eat lots of veg as this will obviously save us from the virus! Was getting a bit stressed as statting to run out of a few things but I’ve managed to get an ocado order for next week – so fucking excited this is the highpoint of my day and I’m going to celebrate with a beer!
Eleanor, I am going to actual WAITROSE this morning to do some shopping for my elderly folks and I am so excited about it that I woke up at 5.30am I am not joking
Waitrosr! That’s like going OUT out!
I queued for 30 min to get in and I went in and it was like heaven, actual heaven. It was like Before.
What I don’t get is why is everyone home schooling this week? It’s the school holidays (even if that doesn’t mean anything anymore)! I am giving my kids (and me) a break from all of that until the official start of next term. Then we’ll crack on with all of it like the best of them. But right now we are behaving as if it really is the holidays – apart from the fact that we aren’t going out at all (we are lucky enough to have a garden – that’s the only “going out” we do and I feel extremely privileged to be able to do this) I’m not putting any extra pressure on them or me. So it’s just playing, drawing, reading, building Lego, running about outside etc 💕
I’m not homeschooling either – we’re having 2 weeks off. I was deliberately a bit stricter on tv on weekdays leading up to it and saved some games and magazines and stuff to do in the garden to make this feel more like the holidays when it arrived.
“Playing, drawing, reading, building Lego, running about outside” that WAS my homeschooling….
I find I’m talking to myself all the time (live alone, kids in London; boyfriend not allowed to see) which explains it probably. I imagine I’m doing youtube videos when I put make up on and in the evening when I cleanse it off, talking to myself in the mirror as I do it.. Same applies when I cook (chopping vegetables etc etc) Thought I’d be reading more, but strangely I’m not.
Esther this is so, so perfect.
I was always a determined getter-outer when the children were small. It was all about diluting their need for endless interaction and keeping us all occupied. I hated those long afternoons at home, after nap before bath time … Why I didn’t just go out again to save my sanity?!
Now they’re not tiny and it’s all much, much easier. They play together and the eldest reads- she reads so much my Kindle spending is replacing any saving from not going out. I’m so grateful they’re not preschoolers demanding I play some dementing imaginary game with them (*shudder*). Although the 5 yr old is currently one constant strop and the 8 yr old is a bit moody about missing her pals so it’s not all plain sailing.
So yes, like you were at home till lunch, then some quiet screen time then out for our one walk of the day. We may keep up this pattern as neither of mine want to be chivvied first thing and are resistant.
I’m also preoccupied with pantry stocktaking and meal planning. I’ve always been a planner, but I’m manifesting my worry into extreme food planning 😉 The whole lockdown thing has prompted me to think a bit more creatively about shopping local and making more vege meals as well.
It’s been really nice having my husband home in the evening. I’m used to doing that hideous 5-7 window solo but it’s so much more manageable when we’re both here. However, cleaning up after and feeding 4 people all day is relentless!
Thanks for this, it really brightened my day.
Less a pattern, more an acknowledgement that with two children under 3, lockdown life feels just like my worst ‘normal’ day, on repeat. I don’t know what to think about this.
Oh, except my house is so, so dirty, in a way I did not think possible a month ago. And it was never clean to begin with.
For me, lockdown is really no different at all from normal life – apparently I am even more anti-social than I thought! Just irritated that I have waited ten long years to get the kitchen replastered and a new boiler so we can have a fucking shower put in, and now it’s all on indefinite hold …
Meal plans: have done them for years, and they do take time to get used to, but are actually brilliant. There’s always something in the fridge to start you off – oh, the broccoli … what’s nice with broccoli? Then something you fancy: God, haven’t had that vegetable bake thing for a while, mmm. Something healthy, yep, should be vegetarian/mostly raw/fermented/whatever. Often I find I’ve got too much of something (currently eggs, so omelette). You want one day empty, for leftovers/sudden inspiriation/something that looked really good when shopping, but with a storecupboard emergency dish in the back of your mind (pasta, usually) and we always have ‘no-cook Friday’ – when you made that stew that made two meals’ worth, and froze the second half? That’s Friday, because you will be drinking cocktails at 7.30, not farting about in the kitchen other than to boil frozen peas and maybe some rice. My husband makes very good curries in huge batches so we have a drawer-ful in the freezer, dahl, curry, yellow rice etc, and Friday is like takeaway night but without the away.
I sound horribly smug, but once you get going, it gets quite compulsive. Obvs this works better without fussy kids. Hope this helps, Spikers!
xx
I now do a weekly plan and it is always helpful and definitely more economical. I also have a long typed list of all the meals we like and we pick them together on Sunday. I did this as I was sick to death of being the only one choosing the meals. This has worked well as everyone gets to pick one favourite meal each week.
This post and these comments are so helpful. I have been doing a supermarket sweep every few days and then panicking over what to actually use it for. Hate waste and don’t normally have much food in the house ‘cos work near Tesco Extra and eat out a lot. So now I have written some vague meal ideas on a blackboard and can decide every morning what to prep for (have told the fam that lunch is variations of egg-avo-tuna-marmite-peanutbutter with salad and toast). This is a game changer so thanks, Spikers! And Esther – give us your meal plan rough guide puh-leeeze.
We have no children to manage (we were actually in the process but of course that’s out the window for now given our circumstances) and I’ve been feeling a bit guilty about my supposed freedom, though a friend reminded me that she spends all her time washing jam off children and keeping them from chasing the cat and it seems like all I’m doing with that time is hunching over the news and giving myself a series of stress headaches. She dared to reflect that maybe she’s having an easier time of it because jam and cat-chasing are so immediate and don’t give you so much time to worry abstractly… Of course if I said that to a parent with small children stuck inside during this they’d be justified in coughing on me as revenge…
I will likely be in the best health of my life after this because all that pries us away from refreshing the news on our phones is stomping one direction up the road, then turning around and stomping the other direction… yesterday I walked for three hours between work phone calls and my before- and after-work breaks. And I’ve also dived directly into doomsday-prepper style cooking from dry goods, somewhat unnecessarily – I had a very crunchy childhood and if there’s one thing I learned to do early it was to put things in baked goods that don’t belong there and don’t taste at all nice. We’re having white bean and hemp heart scones for breakfast today. They’re not good, but they did keep me occupied for an hour and a half yesterday, what with all the mashing things and grinding strange flours in the food processor.
2 kids 2 and under, two full time jobs as key workers and things were tough. And then the nanny went into quarantine for two weeks and everything got genuinely shockingly awful and I was literally breathing through the day, like you do in labour. And then my husband got called up by the Reserves and decided to join the Army properly (again) and I’m facing the prospect of two small children and a full time career by myself, although hopefully the nanny will be back by then. I find myself looking round the place wondering when things are going to get worse. I too was a get up and outter, mostly because I was so terrified to be alone with the kids and I thought my life was so hard and now it’s a million times harder and it’s ok. Like a nightmare, but ok and it hasn’t killed me (yet).
I would apply to the Paras, too – and sharpish
Meal plans are great if you want to feel like you’re the organised person you’ve always wanted to be, but actually can’t really be arsed making too much of an effort. It’s about half an hour’s head wreckage once a week, LISTS, and then youre done. No more standing in front of the fridge at 6pm, two drinks in, thinking WTF will I feed them. I battled against it for years- always felt so… middle-aged and suburban… I’m spontaneous! Cosmopolitan! but then I realised I *am* both middle aged and suburban, and got over myself. I made a long list of all the dishes/recipes I made at least a few times and which weren’t roundly snubbed by my ingrate kids, put a quick list of the main ingredients under them, and that’s it.
The night before grocery day (god I’m SO middle-aged), I look over the list of meals, check my diary to see who’s about for dinner (that was Before, obv) and is I’m feeling particularly patient I let my kids each choose one meal. (Btw, the list includes things like Fish Fingers and Chips, and pizza- it’s not exactly high brow stuff.) Then it’s just a matter of making a list of ingredients, checking to see what I already have, and adding on all the other crap which is needed every week- milk, bread, more milk, jam (so much jam, always) a billion eggs. I stuck the list of meals for the week on the fridge and then decide day by day what we’re in the mood for.
Which isn’t to say I’m not down at the damn shops every three days replenishing the fruit bowl and the biscuit jar etc (also the tonic water) but it def makes life easier. Albeit a bit suburban and boring.
Jess I wish you were my mum!!!! We also consume insane amounts of jam
Umm I’m sleeping in until 11.30, then coffee and toast, a mid afternoon lump of cheese, wall the dog, watch mad men in my pyjamas, maybe a couple hours of work, then dinner, a board game a film and some TV. Then sleep again.