My son, Sam, has started a new school, leaving Kitty – happily – at the school they both used to attend. I won’t go into why – why does a child ever need to move schools? The idea had been mooted for a while but the casting vote was from Sam himself over the summer. He was ready for a change.
Okay, we said – that’s fine. We found him a place. We took him to look around, we enjoyed being in denial about our new school run, which would take us through two active hell mouths of London traffic. I took him to buy his new uniform.
And then we braced ourselves, but not really hard enough. Or, rather, there was no possibility of bracing ourselves against the psychodrama that has erupted ever since. The culture shock of culture shocks. It would be like trying to brace yourself against one of those MEGA TIDAL WAVES my kids used to look at on YouTube.
I once wrote here, a long time ago, about a dream I had where I had the realisation that the tornado I am sheltering in my house from is, in fact, Sam. Sam is the tornado. He is a force of nature that it is impossible to suppress or control unless you are absolutely fully on top of your game but also have a massive dose of luck.
I find myself saying “Sam” when I mean “Giles” and vice versa, because they are merging into one in their visceral emotional output. Impossibly loving and giving and charming and empathetic at one moment and just plain impossible the next. Giles and I have both wondered at times whether his personality is genetics or environment – and I think we now have an answer.
Anyway, we’re reaping the whirlwind. There’s the homework, which we have never had before, which I don’t even really understand. And the new school run, now an environmentally dubious double-thing, requiring me to replace my small petrol car that was stolen, (we had vowed not to do this), in order to supplement our new electric car. AND ALSO requiring me to hire a manny – yes, you heard me, from MyBigBuddy.com – to help 3 afternoons a week. Before Sam switched schools this manny was supposed to simply hand me my life back, taking the after-school shift completely off my hands. Now it’s a two-man job he is now required just to keep the show on the road.
I hope you don’t think I’m whinging, I’m not. Well, I am – but I have a point to make, which is that all this is finally finally a decent impetus to stop drinking. During the week, I mean. Because in the end I don’t really give a fuck about my face, or my belly, or my liver or my memory. I love white wine above all of those things. But I don’t love white wine more than I love my children and ditching it in order to be the parent my children need me to be feels noble, rather than defeatist. You can do it all! But you can’t do it all with a hangover.
How about you? Has your child moved schools recently? Tell me about the whirlwind.
Absolutely. Twin boy decided to leave all boys private school because he hated toxic culture and started at local mixed grammar for Sixth Form. Uber anxious twin girl is distraught because brother no longer in her orbit (she wanted to stay at her linked all girls school) and envious of brother’s short days with (very) laissez faire teachers, boy struggling to make friends or find his way at new school. And obvs anything I say is wrong. Keep waiting for the parenting struggles to even out but they just change! And yes, feel better able to cope when I wake completely clear headed though not easy to remember that at 8pm….
I know I shouldn’t laugh at your situation but what you write is often hilarious and gives me a good laugh. Ever thought of writing a sitcom? I think that’s great that you are cutting down on drinking..always a plus, although this pandemic and the government regulations surrounding it have turned many to the bottle😒
Both my children are now in secondary school. I don’t have the school run, but I have a teen and pre-teen with all of the secondary school fuckwittery that goes with raging hormones, new school angst, shitty kid friendships and piles of homework that I don’t understand.
I have learned two things within two short weeks:
1. You have to actually put yourself to bed like a baby to even survive. Pillow spray, early bed, fresh sheets, no TV, the lot.
2. The cold hard truth that you have to give up everything you like doing when you get to this time of life as it makes you fat or tired or a bad role model.
Fuck this shit (but I promise I love my children)
Xx
That old thing that you children need you more as they get older not less is so true. But it’s a different and possibly more interesting way
Holy shit, my kids are two and four and I desperately need this not to be true.
If it’s any help, I would much rather be dealing with this than dealing with a 2 and 4
They need you more emotionally, but not so exhaustingly. My son is 13, and needs me in a way he has never done before. However he longer follows me round bleating fuckwhittery until I’m on my knees begging for silence. Its more just quiet emotional support. And ENDLESS food.
“follows me round bleating fuckwhittery until I’m on my knees begging for silence” – are you SURE your son isn’t actually Sam????
I’ve given up drinking during the week too (totally not ready to give up completely just yet – have toyed with the idea but haven’t been able/wanted to fully commit so far!). I too have two kids at two different primary schools – one within walking distance, the other a car ride away. It’s really hard to work it logistically isn’t it, especially when factoring in different after school sports clubs etc with differing (or, MUCH worse, the SAME) finishing times 😱😐. I’m forever dragging one to the other school to hang around for/collect the other – never brilliant when said child hasn’t had a great day/is tired/hangry/bored etc etc. Very good luck though, I hope Sam finds his feet soonish.
My son moved schools in January. (Great timing given the small matter of impending pandemic!) His previous prep school was all about dressing up and picnics. His new prep school is all about full on academic work. The culture shock was immense. And the day is long and the traffic terrible etc etc etc. But actually it’s been the best thing ever for him and lots of his energy is now being channelled into school rather than (without going into detail here) involuntary behaviour that was causing lots of worry, medical referrals, parental loss of sleep etc etc. He is happier and everything is better. Except the crazy school run / traffic situation. Really hope it will be as positive a move for you and your son!
My two boys started a new school this term. Previously had a 15 minute drive (one way) which we switched to a 50 minute drive (one way). What the fuck were we thinking. Starting a new job next week Mon through to Fri and packing up a house to move into a rental. Shell shocked is an understatement. Drinking in the week 💯 shutdown.
One year we moved into a small rental house, my husband started a new job, and our 3 children each started a new and different school. One could walk to school and two commuted for the first time on school coaches, which I highly recommend. Anyway, the scale of the adjustments and changes resulted in MANY flare ups. In sheer desperation, my husband and I decided we should try a two evening parenting class. We hired a sitter so that we could both go the first class. Halfway through the class, my mobile rang. The sitter was calling to let us know that the children were behaving SO BADLY that she felt she could no longer stay and we needed to come home immediately. And of course we had to tell the instructor and the whole class why we were forced to leave. And still attend the second class, as otherwise we would be the dropout parents, who really needed parenting advice…
Jody I absolutely LOVE this story
I am considering moving my 7 year old from a very academic prep school (where she is floundering) to somewhere a bit more chilled out. But it’s so hard to l know if it’s the right decision. Maybe she will start coping? Maybe the new school will be worse? How are you ever supposed to know what the right thing is?
Finding the right school that your child will thrive in is important. Well done you for putting that ahead of convenience
I’m glad other people find their kid challenging. My 5 year old son is everything to me but, ye gods, he doesn’t stop talking and doesn’t sleep. I’m constantly sleep addled and running on empty. I now ignore anyone who gives me sleep advice, unless they’ve had a child who just doesn’t sleep I’m not interested. And those who suggest a routine? Um, yes, why would you think I hadn’t tried that!!!! He lays there, exhausted but wired, staring glassily at the ceiling while I struggle not to fall asleep or lose my rag at yet another evening prancing about trying to get him to get some rest. Arghhh!
Oh that’s hell. Sam didn’t sleep until mid-way through Reception. I was a zombie
Elizabeth, I have HUGE sympathy as my eldest son finds it really hard to get to sleep. A weighted blanket has helped keep him a bit calmer. You can rent one from Sensory Direct to see if it helps before investing. Hope that helps. Wish I had more of an answer for you.
Sympathies. Changing school brings up so much stuff for the parent – because it’s usually their decision ultimately and you have no way of knowing if it’s the right one. You have to keep reminding yourself that no path is without cost. The old school could and would have been shit in its own way, apathy less dramatic but also painful. You made choices for the right reasons. During lots of school changes for my children I found it helpful to give ourselves deadlines. Reasonably it is not going to feel good for the first term. It will take two terms to feel less than “new” and therefore uncomfortable. So I always said, let’s wait it out until Easter, and if you’re still feeling bad then, we’ll make a new plan.
In my experience school changes were difficult but long run positive and no regrets. This is because things have to be pretty bad for you to go to the effort of change. Good luck.
Oh, and I also recommend StudentJob for many cheerful studenty type undergrads who want to do a bit of after school childcare for slightly older children. You get a cool bloke or rocking girl and your children are adoring putty in their hands.
I have three children at three different schools and I can feel all that logistical juggling destroying what was left of my IQ. The different drop offs, timings, term dates, after school clubs blah blah. I had to get someone in to help me with after school chaos but then managing her became another thing for the mental load. I now have my husband working from home so it’s manageable but when he goes back it’ll go to shit again.
But I’m a big fan of moving schools if you have to. I had to move my middle child and she was a changed and happier girl within a week. And I’m preparing to do it again for the youngest (he sounds like a Sam – I feel like I’m living with a very loving Captain Caveman) -moving schools can be short term pain, long term gain.
Thank you Nicola – I will give the weighted blanket a try, hadn’t thought of trying that at all.
And Emilie – ‘a loving Captain Caveman’, that made me laugh out loud!
Mine are 12, 13 and 15 and I cannot drink anymore during the week because a) I am a tiger mom whose children do too many activities, to the extent that I have also had to hire a helper just to drive my daughter to dancing and gym 5 times a week and b) my kids have a better social life than me and I need to be sober to pick up the 15yr old from parties where he has been drinking. This weekend he went to a friend’s after a party and the other mother breathalyzed all the teens as they came into her house – am sure that is infringement of human rights, right? And guess who got a call at 1am to pick up drunk son? I never thought I’d have anything in common with Sam Cam but I do now – parents of teens can never go out, or drink.
LOL I will 100% be Breathalyser Mum when mine are teens. I am dreading it
I have nothing very meaningful to add, but found this all very interesting. We considered changing a while ago, but in the end stuck in out and – I think, because how can you know – it’s worked out well staying so don’t regret it. Agree that older children can be draining in a different way, their lives get increasingly complicated and school threatens to overwhelm you in an admin avalanche in any case and yet it is balanced by the fact they are so much more interesting and funny. There isn’t the loneliness of the long distance mother feeling that you have in the baby and toddler years. I think it is a good thing to show your child that nothing is set in stone, and things can be altered, from a young age. It is so freeing. Routine is good, and knuckling down and all the rest of it, but fear of change can be a hard thing to shake off.
I think we tentatively might have turned a corner with the new place. I’m also daring to hope that it is maybe genuinely better, it’s so incredibly strict about tiny, tiny things that the boys think twice about picking their noses let alone shouting out at story time or whatever. I mean… part of me feels incredibly sad about packing him off to Dotheboys Hall, but there is still plenty of mucking about and fun and acting up at home and the net effect of the naughty stuff in the last place was people (not me) telling him he ought to “be ashamed” of himself, which wasn’t what I wanted either
Some children can be happier when they know where they stand, rather than accidentally stepping over a poorly marked boundary and constantly finding themselves in the wrong. Our school worked hard to engage him and understand why things weren’t quite working (he just saw everything as optional, and opted out) which is ultimately why we stuck with it. That sort of telling off just makes them feel bad about themselves and more likely to act out, I think. It can knock their confidence over time even if they outwardly seem bombproof.
Esther, I’m in a similar situation. I have, what other people probably say is, a naughty boy. He is pretty well behaved at home (most of the time) but at school he just can’t seem to cope with being told what to do. I’m torn between moving him to a stricter, more academic school (the school tells me ability isn’t the issue, he just refuses to do the work he doesn’t want to do) or moving him to a ‘do what you want, just be yourself’ type of school. How on earth are parents meant to know what’s right? ps delighted to see Recipe Rifle is back!
Nicola it is so hard. And if Sam hadn’t elected to move and wanted to move I would NEVER have had the guts to make the decision.