I’m a major lockdown cliche. Whatever the nation seemed to be collectively doing, during all this, I’m doing it too. Everyone else is drinking more? Me too. Everyone else decides to quit for a week? And me. Women losing paid work and going bananas? Check. Zoom exercise classes on the up? Yup, here too.
And now, as we all settle down into a full-on staring-at-the-wall, mumbling, stared-eyed, no-exercise, unlimited booze, unfeeling, mindless zombie trudge, I find that this is what I am doing as well.
Something always has to give. Last time it was the remote learning. We didn’t do any of it, we just lazed around in the sunshine and occasionally played volcano Top Trumps.
This time we’re doing the learning – all of it. But what’s gone straight out the window is is self-denial or acting in any sensible fashion for the preservation of my future self. Does that make sense?
I have regressed into a have-it-now, instant gratification ruminant, unable to deal with any optional hardship. So: only tasty food that is easy to chew. Unlimited alcohol, sleeping aids, zero exercise (in fact the Heath has been so muddy that for three days I banned walks). No intellectual TV and there’s a free-for-all on TikTok videos.
Damn, those things make me laugh.
And until last week, my body held up. But now it has collapsed. My thighs are spreading, my tummy inexorably creeping, smilingly outwards.
In a way it’s good, it makes me see that the exercise I have been doing works. Worked. But the idea of starting up again, of the mountain I have to climb, of the weeks it will take, the hours I will have to put in to claw it all back… I just can’t. I can’t. I CAN’T. I know I should have been doing my Zoom barre and negotiating hard with my husband for private time so that I could go marching round the Heath in lieu of a spin class but I fucking couldn’t DO IT!
It’s all in my head, though, I know that. It won’t take that long to get back into it and once the schools are back I might even want to. But for now the thought of my even putting on exercise gear just… it just makes me cringe. My barre teacher, Nathalie, confirms that her classes are down 50% when as it’s January and February attendance ought to be through the roof. Back in May she had up to eighty participants online.
I have decided to sidle back into that sort of onerous eat-your-greens self-care, (rather than hot bath and wine self care), stealthily so that when the schools are back I can tug on those Lycra’s with 10% enthusiasm.
My build-up to this includes dry body-brushing and incorporating an 8 second cold blast whenever I shower. Dry body brushing is exactly what it sounds like, (wasn’t Bridget Jones always at it?) – my body brush was a gift from Goop but they are available all over the place. Give yourself a good brush all over (watch a YouTube video for inspo) and then shower, turning the heat gradually down from hot to warm to tepid and then finally a really cold blast, before turning it back up again.
Is it working? I don’t know. But there’s something about it that makes me feel that tiny glimmer of smugness that is basically the only reason for doing any of this crap.
How about you? If you have managed to continue your daily run/yoga/pilates through all this then please, I beg you, don’t tell me.
I looked up Zoe Saldana’s diet and exercise regime last night. She alternates cardio and yoga, eats lean protein and vegetables and snacks on popcorn. Guess which bit I’ve managed so far.
I always feel like taking the time to do a nice full body exfoliation and following up with body lotion is giving myself a treat. Even used cream on my heels yesterday which look absolutely horrendous so it made little difference but it’s better than nothing.
Everything has given! The seams of my jeans will be next. Half term can’t come soon enough- but for what bar not having to log on at 8:15 every morning?
Endless booze, rubbish food, literally brain dead at the thought of cooking or producing another thing.
Did you see The Telegraph article about burn out in parents during this lockdown? Thought was very accurate.
no I will look it up
Stay strong! You are not alone in feeling like this and some days are worse than others. I am lucky that I work with horses a few days a week and so that is my exercise, as its my job I have to do it otherwise I would be piling on the pounds too. At least Spring is nearly here and hopefully Lockdown will end soon.
I did dry January this year which actually really helped. I’d started feeling the time had become a bit of an amorphous blob with no boundaries or hard edges and that I was rapidly going the same way, not just physically but mentally. A month off the booze really helped (I drink quite a lot normally- half a bottle + multiple times a week- so maybe this is why).
I’ve been doing yoga with Adriene and walking the dog but nothing strenuous. I’d love to do some weights but I am too mean to buy them.
yes what’s a more boring thing to buy than weights. Or resistance bands. YAWN
The only thing I’ve been able to do recently as the smallest of nods towards “self care” (bleurgh) is no alcohol Monday to Thursday inclusive. It’s my only “achievement” this time, so I’m trying to feel good about it. Oddly, it does seem to mean that come the weekend I certainly relish my wine, but I find myself stopping at 2 glasses. Tolerance gone down? Possibly. That’s as good as it’s going to get around here though, so it’ll have to do!
During the first lockdown I ran so much, so fast and so hard that I got a stress fracture, I did yoga everyday making me more flexible than my friends in their 20s, I did online boot classes, only drank at the weekends and made healthy, nutritious food.
However, this lockdown has been very different indeed. Just getting out of bed is a real effort and my only achievement outside of homeschooling. I had a bath last night with a gin and tonic, I looked down at myself and I swear to god I was like one of those Ricky Gervais bath pics he puts on Instagram.
I love this
Lockdown is just SO DRAINING. I am back on the sugar.
One a total side point – my son has key worker provision at the same school as Sam and every night the teachers VANISH ANYTHING THAT HAS NOT BEEN DONE ON SEASAW… No little numbers lurk on the app. It’s miraculous and possibly the best thing about key worker provision.
what what what?! I don’t understand. you’re saying that the teachers wipe any undone activities on YOUR son’s SeeSaw?
Yes! Anything that hasn’t been done / responded to is WIPED. That means every day is a fresh canvass.
omg. there’s a RS thing on ours that sits there like an unexploded bomb. I’m getting quite good at just uploading THANKS to most things though
I might just start responding with “WHY?!” to ours. We had an excruciating NINE separate videos to watch on Seesaw for a homemade pizza activity.
NO. NO to the home pizza activity
At this point in time my idea of self care is slicking on some coloured lip balm and giving myself 5 mins to have a cup of tea. Small steps. I’m thinking the caffeine must be burning off some calories. Plus the lipbalm tastes like sweets (got the Trinny one you recommended the other day and LOVE it!). I read somewhere that thinking about exercise makes you stronger. True fact. I read that approximately 10 years ago and have clung to it like a lifeboat ever since. Side note, does dry brushing actually work? Dry brush might be the sorta thing I’d buy, use once and then allow to slowly mould by the side of the Bath. But possibly would give it a go if it gave me energy or maybe got rid of cellulite. What do you reck?
yes dry brushing absolutely does work. it’s not as horrid as it sounds like it will be and it’s a very eco and value way of exfoliating your body. BUT like taking your vitamins or flossing or anything else, you do have to do it. My tip is – keep your expectations low. Stick a podcast on and give yourself a good brushing like you’re a horse until you get bored and then leave it. Do whatever it takes to not think of it as a chore
I don’t drink and I am showing up for Nathalie’s barre class (THE BEST thing about lockdown last year, you should probably charge some kind of recommenders fee), but I have eaten almost nothing that isn’t biscuits or buttered toast for several weeks and I just feel so utterly bleugh and blobby and rubbish. I also know it could all be knocked into shape in a couple of weeks, but it feels like I just can’t. Maybe when the schools go back…
if you’re showing up for barre it matters less what you’re eating because you are nailing your core muscles. all you will need to do is eat less or some light cardio and the pounds will FALL AWAY to leave a body of twisted steel. or even something nice
I am holding on to this image for the next couple of months now
Very similar experience for me too. Last time it was all sunshine and sod the school work but this time I feel the need to have it all ticked off since they’ve missed so much school now. I finally got sick of myself last week though so have started doing yoga with Adriene too and realised I’ve not taken a proper deep breath or raised my hands above my head in months, so breathing and stretching is helping – especially as it’s 30 minutes to myself every day.
I used a body scrub yesterday for the first time in months and it felt like a fucking spa break. The only ‘good’ thing I’ve managed to keep doing throughout this shit is regular hair treatments. That’s it. Did a bit of exercise. For a bit. Stopped drinking. For about a week. But honestly I have to reign everything in (booze, too much crap food, late nights) I’m looking very old and feeling very wobbley. So I’ve started today. Again. Plan is fast 800. I have no idea how long it’ll last but it’s a start. Good luck!
I walk – I took up some stupid ‘walk 90 miles in January’ challenge and missed it by 14 miles so am determined to do it in Feb. So I just keep whatever clothes I have on, plug myself into Audible and march round the streets where I live for at least an hour 3 times a day if I can. It’s manageable around the kids (even the meanest husband couldn’t stop you doing that -why do some balk at you going to the shops for an hour but are happy for you to walk on the heath for an hour? ‘Of course you MUST go darling!), really good for you in that the pounds don’t fall off (and if you are over 45 nothing shifts weight other than starvation) but you do feel like your body is getting a bit tighter, and you get to listen to all the amazing podcasts and audio books you want to. And the best thing is no sweat, no getting changed and you can hide from everyone.
Agree on the starvation bit, depressingly true. I gritted my teeth last August and went full on for weightloss as I don’t want to die if I get covid. The weight is coming off (slowly) but I got gallbladder issues as a result of vlcd. Joy.
Walking and listening is definitely a sanctuary/good thing.
I go for a walk every day for at least 30 minutes simply because I have a 6 year old, 4 year old and a baby at home and the peace and quiet on the walk is the only thing that stops me going totally deranged and throwing every single bit of Lego, colouring books and bloody paw patrol toys into next doors skip.
That sounds full on and very glad you can get out. My husband is working ridiculous hours so I’m very rarely on my own and I think that’s the killer. In lockdown one I had a one year old and four year old at home and husband would relieve me at about 5ish everyday and I’d get an hour on my own before bedtime. This time round at least the youngest is at nursery 3 days a week but 5 year old is with me all the time. She isn’t keen on any school work, my patience is crap and when they’re both at home I nearly lose my mind.
next door has a skip?!?! I will be round in 25min
Beth I also have a 7, 4 and almost 2 year old at home (solidarity!) and I was only this evening cry-ranting at my husband that I have no time on my own and I have to have 30 minutes to myself during the day. Currently my zone out time is when I clean the kitchen or cook and listen to a podcast while the baby naps and the big kids watch tv but this is not sufficient! Chances of interruption are high and cleaning is not me-time. My husband has a very busy job and has been coming in to help with home schooling when he can but I think at this point my mental health may be more important than whether my son hands in his phonics work. Never mind my increasingly limited ability to deal patiently and kindly with my offspring. Well-meaning friends tell you you’re amazing/nailing it etc while you silently scream I am not please somebody help me!!
We are giving up booze for Lent, which will be a horrible shock to the system but also a long-overdue correction.
I actually really enjoy my online Pilates class – which is just vids, not Zoom – because I can slot it in whenever suits me, and I can wear whatever I like … the really comfy legging that are see-through? Yup. The hot pink velour Gap trackies which are sooo cosy and SO CHAVVY I simply cannot be seen in them, even round the house (and yet they are still here after ten years)? Hoo boy yes siree. Grundies and my flabby stomach hanging out? Mmm hmm.
Sadly the core of twisted steel is still encased in a doughy covering of bread and Negronis, but no one’s perfect.
Oh, and here is my number one hangover tip, aside from fresh air and more water than you think possible: your best, thickest moisturiser on your cheeks. Stops that terrible hot dry skin feeling. I use Weleda Skin Food which has the added benefit of smelling nicely herbal as well, but anything you have which is too heavy for normal day wear. Let’s face it, you’re going to be a bit sweaty anyway if it’s that bad, and who’s to see?
NRG looks great and just what I need. I am embarrassed to ask this question here – I’ve been on the website. Is it GBP 4.50 for the month or per live streamed class? They are asking for payment for GBP 4.50 PER MONTH. Surely it can’t be that cheap? Do they take payment every time you log into a class. I am keen but not finding the website very helpful. I’d be keen to hear what classes you guys do. x
I think the live stream classes are £4.50 each but the app costs £4.50 PER MONTH
Thank you! I ordered as cross trainer as well which hasn’t arrived yet. Weirdly, last week I received a stroppy message from NordicTrack exhorting me to stop ringing and messaging them as (something along the lines of) “everyone is getting confused and can’t keep track of all the communications.” Well, I haven’t phoned or emailed once! But – you can bet I did today. Vaguely concerned that the ticking off was related – somehow – to the attempted bank fraud I experienced last week. Has someone hacked me??? And started hasselling customer service reps. Who knows. The joy of lockdown.
OOO that is a little scary. If you want the number of my tech guy I’m sure he can look into this for you
Thank you. A school email has also gone astray so I may need to consider this. I think the NordicTrack thing might have been generic tho.
Andrew is brilliant
Every night as I go to bed (and binge on Call my Agent – I love it and have weird low key crushes on most of the cast!) I make a pact with myself that tomorrow I won’t eat 3 slices of cake, drink several lattes and top off the evening with a carb comforting meal & Picpoul (‘so low in alcohol don’t you know’). Am doing 16:8 which I like (so no food from supper until lunchtime but kinda make up for it afterwards!). I also drink green tea and start the day swallowing a cupful of Symprove for my gut. (Oh no….my gut!) I’m cheered by your and Giles’ posts and podcasts and my Luke Millington-Drake on the gram. A trip to the Post Office to return yet another not needed item of clothing is the highlight of my day. I am doing my regular zoom yoga, pilates & HIIT seshes but often just lie down if it all gets too much. Am getting good at breathing. Even bought a book on it. (Must be losing it…)
Sarah join the club we are all losing it
It’s kind of reassuring to know that, isn’t it? Sad but true! My work is keeping me going – I’m a Samaritan – gets me out of the house at odd hours of the day & night. And reminds me constantly that there is always someone so much worse off than me!
This sums up everything for me right now. https://twitter.com/ShannonSevigny/status/1357462400975437827?s=20
This is brilliant.
We’re giving up alcohol for Lent. It’s the only way I ever do it… dry January and dry July etc never last more than a week, but for some reason if I promise God then I toe the line.
And it can’t come soon enough, I’m drinking at least a bottle a day at the moment. Yikes.
Kate a bottle a day is strong work and God loves you no matter what x
The women on here are bloody hilarious. You have cheered me right up! I wish I could drink negronis with you all. Strength and solidarity to those having a shit time x
Reading Esther’s article and then these comments felt like group therapy… am crying with laughter. Thank you so much everyone! Xx
I live by myself and work from home, so I made a conscious effort NOT to bake and NOT to increase alcohol intake………..based on the principal that if it’s in the house, there is only me to eat/drink it.
I baked twice last lockdown and managed to decrease my alcohol intake, discovering some lovely, citrusy, floral alcohol free beer by BrewDog, (only 49 calories per can, but still empty carbs).
I did half a month’s programme of Chole Ting on YouTube…………….which very nearly killed me. I’ve faffed around with different types of exercise, but I went back to Yoga with Adrienne, which is quite rigorous enough, thank you very much. I haven’t lost any weight, but I haven’t put any on either.
I am lucky that I still have a job, can work from home, I don’t have to look after anybody, nobody is turning up the heating or not following covid guidelines and I have a naturally hermity nature.
I live in navy blue leggings, a big navy blue cotton shirt and ski socks. I top this off with the biggest navy blue, (can you see a trend here?) man’s cardigan from M and S and a heated furry throw from Lakeland to keep me warm before I light the wood stove. I haven’t worn knickers on a regular basis for nearly a year and I’m not sure if I’ll know how to dress with style ever again.
Sharon as you know full well navy is a very chic colour and you are doing an impressive colour-blocking thing here. Knickers are overrated anyway
Esther amazingly timed post as always. I am losing my fucking mind this lockdown in a way I didn’t in #1 and #2. Permanently either slightly buzzed or doing (not) complicated mind maths for when I can legitimately drink my first max strength G&T. Having been accidentally lithe for years and invigorated by an excellent blouse or jazzy make up product, I’m now able to rest said drink on my first stomach roll and don’t bother with anything other than moisturiser and deeply unflattering joggers. Follow Nathalie and these fabulous yoga ladies and think, looks truly great but I just can’t. Too broken.
I’m not even trying until school goes back. And even then I might have to leave it a couple of weeks
I started following Nathalie, and will, one day…. soon, actually do a class.
The thing I’ve started doing again, properly, is the 5/2 diet. I gave it up thinking Lockdown 3 was punishment enough. However, two days of very limited eating really make a huge positive difference to how my whole system feels. I listed to a podcast with Dr Tim Spector (he invented the Zoe app) so I figure he knows what’s science vs claptrap.
Also, husband was insipired to make his own kefir. It’s as disgusting as you imagine :-/
Here’s the podcast – all about your biome. Fascinating
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000rlpz
First lockdown was all about the joy of freshly home cooked suppers, served early so everyone had some evening left. Now we can’t think what to cook and everyone has developed such extreme food preferences I need a spreadsheet to track them: only smooth soup, no tinned tomatoes, no lemon juice/zest, no cod, “I HATE chicken thighs”, nothing smoked including paprika FFS. Sleep also v bad. Boozing under control but only because we can’t be arsed to make ice cubes or stock up on wine. House cleaning is episodic and sketchy. The Common is very busy with people so running and walking there is stressful and best avoided.
The spreadsheet would kill me. But I so relate – there is no food I even crave at this point. Nothing appeals.
The ONLY thing that has kept me sane over the last year has been twice weekly online Clubbercise classes. I love it because it doesn’t feel like exercise (although you are completely knackered and sweaty by the end of it). I would be entirely lost without it. Everything else I’ve tried be it running/yoga/pilates has lasted approximately 4 minutes before being binned, apparently I need strobe lighting and glow sticks to stay engaged. WHATEVER WORKS.
Soph I loved my spin class because they turn all the lights off and turn on a blue light and play very loud dance music, works for me too although, possibly unlike you, I was never a clubber
Me too! 100% NOT a clubber in the old days. I purchased a rather cheap but effective ‘disco light’ from you know where to enhance my twice weekly raving since Covid. Incredibly naff, incredibly fun. Husband laughs but little does he know that he’d be divorced by now without it.
Esther this was me two weeks ago. One night I lay in bed crying and thinking “something has to change” and the next day I woke up with the actual coronavirus!. So my new regime is lying in bed for 18 hours a day while my husband does some angry homeschooling downstairs. I’m obviously not doing any exercise but since I can’t taste anything I’m also not drinking or eating a packet of hobnobs a day. I feel a bit like the main character in Ottessa Moshfegh‘s My Year of Rest and Relaxation and she kept talking about how thin she was so maybe I will finally shift that last 5kilos of baby weight (I mean who cares about scurvy and atrophied limbs right?)
what is a bit of scurvy when you have such a cute thigh gap?! and also PS you only need 1tsp of lemon juice or the equivalent per fortnight (or something crazy like that) to not get scurvy so crack on
I have to actually get dressed properly for the work calls over the next couple of weeks. I am wearing pearls. Almost none of my old work clothes fit, but I’ve got the pearls on, which is remarkably cheering. Today no one can see the leggings below and also – has anyone in London noticed it’s not stopped snowing yet?
I’ve never known it snow for 2 days straight
I do yoga SOLELY so the kids FUCK OFF for half an hour a day. It works. They fuck off, and I feel vaguely, and temporarily, like a human instead of a burned out Vauxhall Nova.
A burned out Vauxhall Nova!!!!! I love this
I WAS being extremely smug – dry Jan, zoom workouts, long walks – mainly I suspect because I knew that if I didn’t I would go ALL the way in the other direction, as I did in December and I’d decided enough was enough. Then about 3 weeks in, I fell down the stairs and bruised my coccyx and basically couldn’t sit down OR exercise, just lie face down on my bed and complain constantly whilst eating slices of toast. And it all went flying out the window and now I’m just drinking white wine, eating minstrels out of the packet for lunch and like you, the thought of the mountain I’m going to have to climb is TOO MUCH.
We’re all going to have to do it together, as one, when schools go back
I have finally given up on dating and romance and flirting in this pandemic. Fuck it. (It was all long distance, online, yes, with people I know but impossible to meet up anyway.) So MEN have to give. The good thing about that is that I am now really good with watching what I eat and working out a lot (yoga with adriene) in order to get into shape to have sex eventually. Yes, I know, I can have sex in any shape or form, blablabla, I just feel better about it with 4,5 KG less OKAY? Being single sucks sometimes but it can be the good motivation to get in shape. Sorry for oversharing.