I’m going to come right out and say that the high street has made a right fucking pig’s ear of Christmas party wear this year. All we want, all we’re asking for, is 900 different kinds of black or silver dresses covered in sequins, or made of velvet with twinkly buttons. IS THIS SO HARD.
Instead what we’ve got, what I can see, is a muddled load of dribbly fabric, tied and patterned and draped, with poor seams and indifferent tailoring. Scrolling through it all just now I suddenly got it into my mind that it was as if the UK’s offering of partywear this season had been set as a task for my son’s Year 4 prep school art class. I got to thinking about them all huddled round a table in their grey sweaters lisping “What do girls like wearing?” and then setting about drawing some weird asymmetrical mini-skirted outfits occasionally adorned with HUGE BOWS (because – girls). I got into a terrible fit of laughing and now can’t look at any more dresses.
It is all crap, though. It’s horseshit. Look for yourself, they’ve really muffed it. In fact, so much so that what I really think is that if you have any Christmas parties to go to this year, just go in something you’ve already got. Fuck it. It will be better than any of the gopping, designed-by-8-year-old-boys sub-Widow Twanky reject drek that I’ve seen. Admittedly Zara does have a billion black things covered in sequins but they look itchy AF and not a single one designed to fit an actual human woman. Plus their website is just too annoying to live.
So my advice: wear a nice pair of black trousers, your most spangly shirt (because at parties, people only ever see from the chest up, it’s like Zoom) or just a light black sweater, because Christmas parties are always boiling hot, and big earrings.
The shops have really missed a tick here. All the actually good Christmas party dresses – nice shape, covered in non-cheap sequins – have completely sold out. They didn’t understand, the fools! They thought we weren’t going to go to parties, or something, so they offered one single party dress, which was bought by someone else in October. They were wrong! I don’t know about you, but this Christmas I’m going to party like a pirate on shore leave. I’ll just have to do it in 2019’s dress because I sure as hell didn’t buy one for 2020.
I will make one exception to this wear-what-you’ve-got rule, which is that if you are on the hunt for a knock-out dress for an important event and have a healthy budget, there are one or two that I will deign to show you.
First, this purple devoré thing from Uterque , which strikes me as being fun, arresting, not to hot, not too cold and not itchy.
Second, this from Self Portrait, a brand I’ve always considered to be a bit pretentious and up itself and therefore ignored. This dress is slightly insane but I did say important event/healthy budget! It looks like something Princess Margaret would wear and that’s why I think it’s fabulous. I want to wear this dress to a party at a Scottish Castle where I am staying the night so that I can get very drunk.
Maybe maybe this is alright.
Or, I dunno, see what you can find. Any gems, let me know. DON’T get sucked into buying something from Rixo – every bitch will be in that kimono or that one covered in stars. I’m serious, listen to me.