I’m going to come right out and say that the high street has made a right fucking pig’s ear of Christmas party wear this year. All we want, all we’re asking for, is 900 different kinds of black or silver dresses covered in sequins, or made of velvet with twinkly buttons. IS THIS SO HARD.
Instead what we’ve got, what I can see, is a muddled load of dribbly fabric, tied and patterned and draped, with poor seams and indifferent tailoring. Scrolling through it all just now I suddenly got it into my mind that it was as if the UK’s offering of partywear this season had been set as a task for my son’s Year 4 prep school art class. I got to thinking about them all huddled round a table in their grey sweaters lisping “What do girls like wearing?” and then setting about drawing some weird asymmetrical mini-skirted outfits occasionally adorned with HUGE BOWS (because – girls). I got into a terrible fit of laughing and now can’t look at any more dresses.
It is all crap, though. It’s horseshit. Look for yourself, they’ve really muffed it. In fact, so much so that what I really think is that if you have any Christmas parties to go to this year, just go in something you’ve already got. Fuck it. It will be better than any of the gopping, designed-by-8-year-old-boys sub-Widow Twanky reject drek that I’ve seen. Admittedly Zara does have a billion black things covered in sequins but they look itchy AF and not a single one designed to fit an actual human woman. Plus their website is just too annoying to live.
So my advice: wear a nice pair of black trousers, your most spangly shirt (because at parties, people only ever see from the chest up, it’s like Zoom) or just a light black sweater, because Christmas parties are always boiling hot, and big earrings.
The shops have really missed a tick here. All the actually good Christmas party dresses – nice shape, covered in non-cheap sequins – have completely sold out. They didn’t understand, the fools! They thought we weren’t going to go to parties, or something, so they offered one single party dress, which was bought by someone else in October. They were wrong! I don’t know about you, but this Christmas I’m going to party like a pirate on shore leave. I’ll just have to do it in 2019’s dress because I sure as hell didn’t buy one for 2020.
I will make one exception to this wear-what-you’ve-got rule, which is that if you are on the hunt for a knock-out dress for an important event and have a healthy budget, there are one or two that I will deign to show you.
First, this purple devoré thing from Uterque , which strikes me as being fun, arresting, not to hot, not too cold and not itchy.
Second, this from Self Portrait, a brand I’ve always considered to be a bit pretentious and up itself and therefore ignored. This dress is slightly insane but I did say important event/healthy budget! It looks like something Princess Margaret would wear and that’s why I think it’s fabulous. I want to wear this dress to a party at a Scottish Castle where I am staying the night so that I can get very drunk.
Maybe maybe this is alright.
Or, I dunno, see what you can find. Any gems, let me know. DON’T get sucked into buying something from Rixo – every bitch will be in that kimono or that one covered in stars. I’m serious, listen to me.
All I’m saying is ghost + M&S (if you can find it) has sleeves, actually fits. I know it’s not black or sparkly but you might actually just wear it again.
I recently moved to an unfashionable part of the commuter belt and the m&s in the local retail park (shudder) is full of m&s+ghost in the sale. Only the horrible m&s bits are sold here. If I wasn’t massively pregnant I would be buying.
Nope. Simply cannot work up any enthusiasm for anything that is not waterproof, windproof and ice-proof. As I can’t even remember what I did yesterday, I doubt anyone will remember what I wore two years ago so I’ll drag out the old stuff this year …
You can catch me this party season mainly in a mixture of Uniqlo Heattech, Uhip and Ariat … And, the worst of it is, I don’t even feel depressed about it.
Amen
Nailed it Esther, seriously. I thought it was just me.
All I wanted was a velvet blazer to jazz up jeans and a camisole top – I’m tall – its impossible!!
I just saw this post on my phone but then it didn’t appear when I went onto the website. The top post is dear husband. Raising only because you have had tech issues (from the mum who saw you at UCS)
yo! I know. this is an ongoing issue where posts sent out don’t appear on the site for 24 hours. honestly FUCK KNOWS why or how to solve it, my website designer is at a total loss
Love love love the devoré number but already out of stock for me as I’m just under 6’ aaaagh and small just ain’t going to work. Might keep checking in case they get a return in a medium or a large. But you’re spot on with that one Esther – love purple too. And love velvet or devoré.
My worst party dress choice wax from Whistles – it was a black sleeveless shift covered in vicious black glittery things (not sequins, rhinestones – fake?) and I was breastfeeding and it zipped up at the back so I basically had to take it off completely and totally lacerated my arms and chest in doing so. Bad choice all round. We just want to be comfortable, look a bit glam, not worry about any wardrobe mishaps and have a bloody good time!
Sarah, this reminds me of the fabulous tiny red sparkly shift dress I found to my delight in the Whistles sale once, which was, as you so succinctly put it, a complete lacerater. At least it was red so the blood stains didn’t show. It must be the same dress!
Sounds like one and the same! A total disaster – but as you say, red fabric disguises the blood stains !
I feel a class action lawsuit coming on. What’s the statute of limitations on this kind of shit?
how are S&S trousers? they look too comfy to be true
I do love your posts. Agree with all the above. This is Zara but for £30, I don’t think this is too bad. The shoulder cut might be slightly off but this could definitely work with all sorts of tights and it ticks velvet + black. https://www.zara.com/uk/en/short-velvet-dress-p04786353.html?v1=147739069&gclid=Cj0KCQiAtJeNBhCVARIsANJUJ2F_InbxT5S558BfENabCw_INyNs6Q76dAJgG-K82bwUkIYYW98O980aAiLaEALw_wcB
I don’t know where people are shopping now. I’ve been stuck in a rural town charity shopping rut for too long. The OutNet + Wolf + Badger have choice but expensive and no idea if the cost is justified in terms of quality/fair pay etc for the brands selling.
Fantastic post, it made me laugh, I’m so happy you’re back!
Yes wear something you’ve already got. Great suggestion!! I’m so pissed off with the whole one minute we are all supposed to be saving the planet after COP and a couple of weeks later we are all being encouraged to “save xmas” and spend, spend, spend. No.logic and no moral compass from retailers. No matter the garbage they spout about being “sustainable fashion” we all know that’s a very big lie. And don’t get me started on children and xmas presents. I was at a birthday for a 5 year old recently and it was obscene the amount of soon to be discarded toys people handed over as gifts. Is there no hope?
Sorry to sound so cross but really who needs another crappy dress.
Jan you’re quite right. And wow what a lot of crappy dresses there are
I would very happily wear something I’ve already got – but unfortunately I have to wear a long dress to be corporate wife at my husband’s festive work do. I bought a perfectly nice short dress from Anthropologie for the same event in 2019 only to find to my horror, on arrival, that the dress code for the evening was long! Will never make that mistake again and have had to fork out for a long dress – not really my thing as I am only 5 ft 4. Anyway, have found something very simple and, I think, stylish for just under £150 in a local independent shop, where they design and actually make the clothes out the back on wonderful looking, quite industrial sewing machines – glorious! Highly recommend. They design and make very nice clothes indeed – I’ve been living in a grey wrap cardigan of theirs for weeks. https://wonderlustlondon.com/collections/dresses/products/disco-dunst-column-wrap-dress Then I am going to wear it around the house over the festive period, just to please myself.
oh my god that place is so GOOD!!!! their “black wing jacket”. I adore it
I found this lovely velvet (comfortable, soft and not scratchy) dress in M&S. It looks much more flattering on than in these pics (if I’d just seen this online I would have clicked on by).
Looks great with a belt too.
The sparkle comes in the form of textured silver dots that I can’t help picking at unfortunately.
https://www.marksandspencer.com/velvet-puff-sleeve-midi-waisted-dress/p/clp60519124?color=BLACKMIX&prevPage=srp
I bought this dress after your recommendation, it is lovely.
Very good post, I have a few festive frolics this year and will be wearing my trusted Hush wide leg back trousers with pockets and then a fine gauge black cashmere crew neck sweater. Gold hoops and mad eye make up. Black suede loafers.
If the occasion calls for a gown, then I have a deep green scoop back pleated midi with pockets and sleeves. Also old. Green glass hoop earrings.
Rewear, reuse. Shoes and earrings can revolutionise Arnold faithful wardrobe stalwart.
My go to Christmas party dress is a wrap dress from a small independent brand in Melbourne. https://www.bysamantha.net/products/pre-order-australian-claire-wrap-dress
The dresses come in a choice of skirt and sleeve lengths, and are beautifully cut and very flattering. I think she ships to the UK. Also they suit virtually everyone, don’t tell too many people as a friend and I turned up at an event last week in the same dress much to everyone’s amusement
Brilliant post. There really is nothing out there on the dress front. I bought this jumper (although very light so it hopefully won’t be too hot) from Wyse. They also do a shorter sleeved version in other colours https://www.wyselondon.co.uk/collections/jumpers/products/silvia-lurex-frill-neck-jumper-disco I’ll also be wearing this with my trusty Hush wide leg trousers.
Just to mention Esther, this email turned up in my spam after it coming back into my inbox after the last issue. Not sure if the problem is my end though but thought you’d want to know.
Oh GAWD thanks for letting me know. It is all such a mess but thank you for fishing me out of the bin
Totally agree about ‘waist up’ looks only. For YEARS I used to wear a pair of well-polished black Chelsea boots under long trousers and nobody ever noticed. Happy feet …
Oh! I got a black velvet embroidered Zara dress (VERY short – eek) and Sue (as in Mel and Sue ex bake off – told me she loved it when I accosted her at an awards do. Maybe this was to get rid of me. But I’ll take it). Sadly I just looked and it has gone from the website! But I have a new idea for this Xmas and the ONE party I am off to. A waistcoat. Yes, cheap as chips from H and M and I’ll wear it with a black vest underneath and black trousers. I think I’m going for a look that is cross between Joan Jett and Sharon Stone’s lesbian lover in Basic Instinct. Agree – it’s all shite in the shops and also – who cares? This year is just about getting OUT OUT and we will all be hammered by 9pm and remember nothing the next day…. Cheers all!
PS Lee I love that shop – thank you!